SOMEWHERE BETWEEN JUPITER AND MARS
"Abu, where are you?"
"I just got home."
"Oya, start coming to the PGS!"
"NEVER!"
"Why?"
"Because nobody can control or order me around."
"I was thinking if you come, then we'll go and work on your steemit introductory post. I guess I'll just have to help somebody else."
"Never." I said.
"Why?"
"I'm on my way."
"NEVER!"
"EVER!"
"Alright, just be as swift as flash."
And so, in less than 30 minutes, i was sitted in the same room with Barki, Ahmed, Abdulkadri, and Joseph, analysing a few boxing videos. It was a video that had to do with boxing Injuries that lead to death. I quickly turned away and left the seat to another that was close to the door of the gym. I left not because I was nauseated as many people would imagine, but it was because injuries do not excite me. I tend to be moved by defense videos, and this was clearly not it.
Someone punched me from behind. Instinctively, I ducked and protecte my head with my hands.
Even though I knew who it was, I asked "Who is this demon that wants to kill me?" in a tone that was anything but annoyed.
"Shurrup, Bila Director, na so you lazy?" She said, laughing.
"At least you are educated, you should know that a rabbit punch can kill anybody." I declared sorrowfully.
Across the gym, barki and his hounds were throwing glances at me and giggling.
"Barki, wetin dey sup?" I tasked.
"No vex dark Lord, I just dey tell them say your mama don come." Then he started laughing again.
"Mugu." I said to silence him.
"Don't mind him jare." Said Sella, "how far?"
"Mama, nor how far me, I came for business, let's do it".
"You cannot even say welcome back abi? After I went to fly Nigeria's flag."
"My father's name is Abu, not Nigeria. Go and fly Abu's flag, then come back to me and I'll give you some accolades."
She turned to leave, feigning anger.....
"Wait jare, congrats on your victories."
"Yes yes yes." She said, twisting in a way that reminded me of the time I was a 5 year old boy receiving accolades from my dad when I came first in exams.
"Dont get too excited." I boomed. "That was a competition for gnats."
This time I was ready when she threw a punch. A sidestep opened her up for a vicious hook to her liver, but a man does not punch a person who is about to help him with tips for his introductory post.
"What if I was kidding when I said zulaise?"
"I will send you to your boyfriend in 12 body bags".
"Tou are my boyfriend na."
"Never!"
"Ever!"
Two well formed girls walked into the gym, waving at me. I returned the waves, and turned to sella.....
"Never!!"
"Ever."
"Seems you enjoy this nonsense, I am going."
"Why?"
"One neat Bila dey wait me for house."
"Thought you are a virgin?"
"There is always a first time."
"And you think you are ready?"
"Look, madam," I said, trying very hard to suppress the laughter that was boiling within. "I did a 3 credit unit course exams today, and they did not ask me questions that are as hard as this."
"You are a kill joy Abu." She said, taking her bags with her to another seat.
Barki walked up to me and shared the seat with me.
"Guy." He began. "Make we do move ooh."
"Wait small guy. I wan collect something."
"Wetin be that?"
"I wan collect that promo form from her na." I said to him, although I fixed my gaze on two fighters who were brawling in the ring.
"I wan still help her choose location for some of her promotional videos wey she wan make unto her those I.N.T matter.
As if on cue, sella had brought a cardboard with my name largely written on it to me, and while I was reading it, she proceeded to explain in details, how she had recently improved her skills. I would have been concerned if not that, at that moment, Barki nudged me and asked me to look up.
I could tell something was biting Barki, although I could not place it.
"Barki," i called loud enough for Sella to hear, even though I pretended she was not supposed to hear it. "This girl Sella na assumer. No do mistake marry her type for house, she go dey control you."
"Common write." She snapped, clenching her fist as if ready to unleash a bolo."
"Barki, I told you."
Barki nudged me to look up again, amd this time I did, and the sight was stunning. The two girls that walked past me only moments ago were now doing the Mohammed Ali's shuffle. Instead of looking at the footwork of the girls which of course is the beauty of shuffling, Barki was sighing as the breasts of the girls was bouncing in the air.
Ticking each point with his fingers, Barki began to enumerate the best possible ways to approach those girls to grab their breasts -or milk industry as he put it- to derive all the pleasures it has to offer. It was a most enjoyable R-rated play-by-play until......
Nemora's voice startled me.
"You are not listening. What did I say last?" I gave her a curt look to show her I was lost, but that she can explain again. 'I was saying, I have learnt a way of turning defense to offense when an opponent is attacking and punching you."
I nodded, although I was looking at the bouncing bouncers from the corners of my eye.
"You do that by sidestepping and unleashing a combo of ........
That was the last I heard from her, and it was only after I had been punched in the face, that I regain consciousness.
"So, you dropped my catalogue because you are staring at Otolo abi? You weren't paying attention were you? Sheybi you said you came to do business? Where your mind dey? Oluku abi ikpoba river?"
"Mama, nor vex," I said, rubbing my face where a jab had just been planted. "I was somewhere between jupiter and mars."
She tore the form immediately, and left the gym.