This is Jim Shorts reporting.
It appears that the Boston Celtics have been paying attention to the excitement generated by the race for second place in the Western Conference of the NBA. After seeing the bold moves by the Houston Rockets and OKC Thunder, Danny Ainge, the GM of the Boston Celtics, decided to solidify his team's position as first loser of the East.
Come on man. Come join the Cs. It was awesome getting smoked by LeBron and the league. Plus you can carry me around Boston in a Baby Bjorn. We will look just like that guy in Total Recall.
With the East being a steaming pile of crap outside of Cleveland (Wow! That may be the first time in the history of the world that Cleveland was actually considered less crappy than somewhere else) Ainge has decided it should be his team on the top of that mountain of excrement.
Yesterday, he nearly assured this outcome by signing the biggest name on this year's free agent market. (Durant and Iguodala don't count because they weren't really "free". They seem to be trapped by some bizarre desire to easily win a championship.) Gordon Hayward inked a 4 year $128 million dollar contract in an attempt for the Boston Celtics to do the exact same thing they did this year: win the most games in the Eastern Conference and then get their asses completely handed to them by the league office backed Cleveland Cavaliers.
Now that is a man who knows what he wants! Number two baby! We're number two! And just look at that perfect hair! Here have another exclamation point!
When Hayward was asked why he made the move, he responded, "I love Boston. They have the most amazing combs there. I mean they have some of the best hair grooming devices I have ever seen. It was getting more and more difficult to buy my hair styling products in Utah. They are only allowed to sell hair products with 3.2% of awesomeness in Utah. It sucks."
This reporter then asked Hayward if his decision had anything to do with having a better chance to win a title. Hayward responded, "Oh god no. No. No No. No. No. That's ridiculous. Everybody knows everyone except for Cleveland and Golden State are playing for second place in their conference. There is no way in Hell the league is going to let anyone else play in the finals."
Hayward went on to explain that, "As a child I always dreamed of coming in second place. I did it in college so it only makes sense to take that next step toward second in the NBA. I can't wait to see what it is like to end your season in late May!"
I reached my ultimate goal in college. I finished second. Now I have to take that next step and finish second in the NBA. I can't wait to get there. I am going to buy me some of that NBA hair product. I just hope I don't get drafted by Utah. They only have 3.2% awesome hair products there.
With the log jam to finish second in the west, it made sense for Hayward to take his talents to the Eastern Conference. In the west, Utah would have had to compete with San Antonio, Houston, OKC, and the upstart Timberwolves in their quest to get obliterated by the Golden State Globetrotters.
In the East, Hayward's new team, The Celtics, will be competing with , no one, nobody, and nothing for the honor of being throttled by whatever team LeBron James is on.
The NBA has actually already called 4 fouls against each of the Celtics projected starters for each of the Eastern Conference finals games. That series should be fun to watch for absolutely no-one.