We have all heard our parents say stupid things. My father’s favorite was to come up to me while doing homework and ask, “Working hard, or hardly working?” Then he’d laugh and walk away. I admit it was worth a giggle in the first grade, but by the time I was a senior in college it was pretty lame. Sadly, the stupid goes far beyond my parents or yours. It is a systemic societal problem, and I am here today to debunk not only the subtle craziness of our parents, but the insanity of sayings all over the world. You can thank me later.
First, I shall attack the worst one of all. The mother of all sayings and you’ve been hearing it since you were in kindergarten. I am of course referring to The Golden Rule. Calm down everyone, don’t start hurtling rocks at me. Remember, you wouldn’t hit me. You don’t know where I am. Besides you might break your expensive computer. And I’m sure you’re not the type of person who pays 150 bucks on a pair of Nike’s and then sets them on fire.
Ok, now that we all have relaxed a bit, let me say I know many of you have used The Golden Rule as your life’s credo. But let’s think a second. Rules are set down by some governing body, and there is some sort of punishment if they are broken. Can anyone tell me what governing body laid down this rule? Anyone? I can’t hear you. Just as I thought. There is none. Just some old dead guy who said it might be nice if folks did it. So, without very much thought we have already bumped this offending verse down to The Golden Suggestion.
This is actually a good thing, because another saying I find silly is, “Rules are meant to be broken.” The only good thing about this little witticism is it never mentions suggestions. I guess it’s OK for you act on suggestions. That being said, this rules and breaking thing has to be examined a little closer. Now I can agree this clever quip might sound convenient when you’re traveling 65 in a twenty zone. But it loses a lot when you see those red and blue lights flashing. Just try this the next time you’re pulled over. “Honest officer, rules ARE meant to be broken.” He’ll have you fitted for an orange jumpsuit within ten seconds. And that’s after he Tasered you just for being a smart a**. Then there’s that trivial rule about not sticking your hand in a blast furnace. Try breaking that one, cowboy. But let’s let that go and get back to the golden suggestion.
Now consider, whether rule or suggestion it has no physical form. It’s just an idea. Therefore, it can’t possibly be made of gold. In fact, nobody really knows what ideas are made of. They are just electrical brain impulses, communicated to other brains by means of squiggly lines on paper or the sound of vibrating vocal chords. Consequently, if we want to be truly accurate, it has now become, The Specific Electrical Impulse Suggestion. Can’t you just imagine a first-grade teacher with that one. “Now Timmy, is this how you want to treat Barbara? Remember your Specific Electrical Impulse Suggestion.” And frankly, how does this teacher know? At this moment in Timmy’s physiological development, this may be exactly how Timmy wants to treat Barbara. Don’t worry though. Barbara will get hers, and more, once they get married and Timmy is horny. Nature has a way of balancing it all out. But enough said about this.
The next saying I want to discredit is really in the same vein as The Specific Electrical Impulse Suggestion. It is the simple yet brilliant, You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar. I’ll admit this one sounds great and very scientific, but It’s all wrong. I even put it to the test.
You see, we grew tomatoes and cucumbers this summer. Yes, they were very tasty, thank you. The thing is, when we started bringing them in the house, we also brought in fruit-flies. Not a problem I thought. We just need to be very clean and when the produce is gone the flies will go, too. Not so much. In fact, those suckers multiplied so much I needed to actively and aggressively get rid of them. I consulted a local expert, Mr. Google, who lives in my computer and found out that the best way to eliminate these pests is, (Wait For It), vinegar with a drop of dish soap added. Not Honey!
And it’s true. I put out this solution and I caught flies by the gazillions. They didn’t even seem it care about all their dead compadres in the bottom. The buggers just jump right in. In no time they were writing little suicide notes and doing cannonballs into my traps. WOW, I thought. But this can’t be right. Science tells us honey will catch more. So, I embarked on Mr. Ohh!’s Sideways Scientific Study. I’ll be publishing in a very prestigious journal very soon, but here are the highlights. I set up a duck-blind in my kitchen so the little nasties couldn’t see me. I really hope they didn’t notice that big camo wall which moved in suddenly. Anyway, I put one of my traps next to a few drops of honey. The results were quite conclusive. (Don’t I sound impressive saying things like that.) Many of them landed on the honey, ate their fill, and flew off. The honey in fact caught no flies at all. In point of fact, many of them thanked me for the last meal before they dived joyfully into the trap. (Here comes another uber-smart thing scientists say) In conclusion, (wow, my fingers tingle), I caught infinitely more flies with vinegar. Case closed. (Of course, you catch the most with a vacuum cleaner, but that wasn’t officially part of the test.) Either way, I have proven my point impeccably, call the Nobel people. Though, I must say, I will not be using the 250 thousand for more fruit-fly research. I hate those little things.
Well, I feel good about myself. I have made the world a better place by promoting the truth and dispelling lies. It’s like being Bob Woodward, without the pesky dealing with Washington insiders thing. Let the truth ring out. Falsehood must be exposed to its burning light. Boy, now that I’ve done all this good stuff, Santa Claus will be very good to me this year.