Because it is almost time for me to go into my super positive Christmas season mode, I figure today is my last chance to rant.
And rant I shall!
Who needs fun when you have a completely plausible premise that a sociopath pumped full of adrenaline can stop himself mid-murder just because his mom shares a name with his victim?
Welcome to 2017 ladies and gentlemen. A year where a movie that earns $635 million can be considered a "flop". But that is exactly what Justice League is: a $600 million dollar train wreck. Warner Brothers had hoped the movie would come close to earning $1 billion dollars. Clearly they were way off.
But that is not what has me all worked up. Movies flop all the time (especially ones that require tons of expensive reshoots in order to salvage them). What really frosts my buns is that people are blaming Jos Whedon's influence for this disaster. Many people online (translation 10 people with 15,000 alt accounts) are "demanding" that Zack Snyder's original director's cut be released on DVD.
Some have even begun a petition that you can find here. As of the writing of this post, more than 147,00 "people" have signed it (please see above).
I will not be signing this petition.
Why?
Because I remember the raging dumpster fire that Batman v Superman was!!!!
The petition states "The theatrically released version of Justice League does not adhere to Snyder’s style, tone, or template."
Thank god!!!!
Snyder has repeatedly shown that his "style, tone, or template" sucks donkey balls! His "style, tone, or template" appears to have one goal in mind: suck all the life and fun out of a movie.
Let's take a walk down Snyder memory lane...
No wonder Snyder's movies are devoid of any fun. He can't even smile when he is actually touching Wonder Woman.
Here are Snyder's directorial accomplishments:
2006 300
Even with the airbrushed abs, this movie was pretty cool. His goal was to shoot a frame by frame version of the graphic novel and he succeeded. Since the source material was so good, it was hard for him to screw it up. Congratulations! You threw the ping pong ball into bucket number one. (That's the one where if you miss it, they let you throw again out of pity for missing such an easy shot).
Look at the girl's face. Do you know why she is so upset? She is staring into a bucket that contains one of Snyder's movies not named 300.
2009 Watchmen
Do you remember that movie? No? That's OK. Neither does anybody else. Aside from commenting on Dr. Manhattan's giant blue penis, I doubt anyone can say a single thing about this movie. Watchmen is considered the greatest comic book/graphic novel of all time. It routinely makes the list of top 100 American works of fiction. Yet, Snyder managed to make a completely unremarkable film version of it. Thanks Zack!
2011 Sucker Punch
I can mark the exact date that I began to despise Zack Snyder's work. It was March 26, 2011. That is the day my wife and I went to see Sucker Punch in the theater! In addition to being completely incoherent, ridiculous and poorly acted, it was also one of the most unpleasant movies I have ever suffered through. Hot chicks fighting to overthrow some kind of prison... what could go wrong? Oh I don't know. Maybe toss in stories of incest and abuse. Oh and then rate it PG-13 so the audience feels uncomfortable watching this utter creepiness while sitting behind a bunch of 11 year olds.
Hot women, weapons and awesome costumes. How could this be so unwatchable? Snyder!!!
2013 Man of Steel
This one is odd. I didn't hate it... but everyone else in the world did. Maybe I was just happy that I didn't have to visit a psychiatrist after the trauma of viewing a Zack Snyder film.
2016 Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Here it is. The cherry on top of the time waster special that Zack Snyder seems to love to serve up.
As I sat down to write this, I remembered a conversation I had via chat with a buddy of mine. He and I had planned on seeing Batman v Superman together but he had to back out (lucky him). As soon as I returned from the movie, I began to vent. Here is the actual conversation from March 2016:
I saw no cool action.
Not only do I stand by every word, I would like to elaborate.
Let's start with it being the worst super hero movie I have ever seen. I have seen just about every super hero movie ever made. The only two that I think I missed were the 2015 Fantastic Four and Ang Lee's Hulk. So I have seen the made for TV Captain America (1979) and Nick Fury (1998) movies. And yes. Nick Fury is indeed played by David Hasselhoff. Either one of them seems like a cinematic masterpiece compared to the abomination that was Batman v Superman.
Yes this is actually better than Batman v Superman. It is also only slightly worse than Hasselhoff's finest role: The Hoff eats a burger on the bathroom floor.
How about that "story"? This summer, my son begged me to watch this movie. My wife also wanted to see it. I warned them of just what a time thief this movie would be. I explained to them that they could not get back their two and a half hours. Nevertheless, they persisted. So I deiced to do them a favor and play a little game with them.
If my son were 21, this would have been a drinking game for sure. If there were alcohol involved, I assure you everyone would have been wasted by the 30 minute mark. Here's how the game worked:
I challenged my son and wife to ask me questions about the plot. The goal was for them to ask me a question that could actually be answered based on the events in the movie. If we were imbibing, every time I said "I don't know." or "Who knows?" we would all drink. In our case, we just all laughed.
Here are some examples...
"Why is Batman mad at Superman?"
"What made Batman decide to start killing people?"
"Why is Lois Lane in the movie?"
"Why is there a Congressional hearing in a superhero movie?"
"Is Lex Luthor trying to be the Joker?"
"How does Lex Luthor know their secret identities?"
"Why does Lex Luthor want to get them to fight?"
"How did Luthor make Doomsday?"
"How did Lex Luthor know the exact location of a piece of Kryptonite in the Ocean?"
(Actually anything involving Lex Luthor is an automatic drink or laugh. There is no explanation of anything he does.)
"Why is Wonder Woman there?"
"Why is Batman branding people?"
"Would your mom sharing a name with someone else's mom really get you to stop attempting to murder them?"
"Why did the government keep the giant spaceship in the middle of Metropolis?"
"Why are there cameos by Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman?"
"Why is there a Rocky IV ripoff training montage?"
"What the Hell was going on in that desert vision scene?"
"Do you bleed?"
"Why are we watching this movie?"
"Why can't Batman, the world's greatest detective, recognize that Clark Kent is Superman?"
"Why was Ben Affleck cast as Batman?"
That's a heck of a lot of laughs (drinks) and there are infinitely more.
Superman couldn't even answer these questions... and he was actually in the movie.
To be honest, I expected the story to be terrible. But I at least figured there would be some awesome action. Aside from some cool parts in the epic Batman v Superman battle (and one really cool scene of Wonder Woman jumping and landing) the movie is incredibly boring. In addition, there is absolutely no humor at all. It is a dark and miserable movie.
When there is an attempt at something light hearted like a love scene between Lois and Clark, it just becomes creepy, cheesy and weird (oh my!). It's supposed to be a love scene and it begins with a serious conversation about some kind of official hearings? This movie is rated PG-13... and it is a comic book for kids. And yet, Snyder added an awkward love scene that could only be rivaled by the one in Ghost. Why did Snyder add this? (Take a drink) All this scene made me think was, "Hmmm how does Superman not kill Lois when they ..." (Another drink).
If I were her, I'd be awfully nervous.
So if you are one of the 10 people who actually liked Batman v Superman, and you prefer your superhero movies to resemble French art films that are confusing, drab, boring, devoid of fun and lifeless, feel free to beg the studio to release Snyder's surely unwatchable version.
I'd rather spend my time watching something more fun... like an actual Congressional hearing.