Yesterday my wife, 12 year old son, 10 year old daughter, and I went to see the movie Wonder Woman (2D).
After seeing (and hating) Suicide Squad, I swore I would never pay money for another DC universe movie ever again. But it wasn't all The Suicide Squad's fault. The main culprit was its precursor Batman vs Superman:Dawn of Justice. I am convinced that Batman vs Superman vs the audience's intelligence is one of the worst movies I have ever suffered through.
As a result, I had absolutely no interest in seeing Wonder Woman. Even though she was the only watchable part of Dawn of Justice, I simply was not impressed by the commercials. It looked like the film had the same look and feel of the two previous disastrous wastes of my time and money.
Then something unexpected happened. I began to hear through the grapevine that it was actually a pretty good movie. The main point that caught my attention was hearing people say, "It was more like Marvel movies than the previous DC movies."
OK, that sounds intriguing. Maybe DC figured out that comic book movies re supposed to be fun and at least make a little bit of sense. Then I checked Rotten Tomatoes. Wow! It was scoring a very impressive 92.
So I decided to give it another shot. My wife really wanted to see the film. After overhearing my conversations with my wife, even my son Timmy was interested. My daughter MJ really enjoys movies with strong female characters so she was already in.
Great! We could have a nice family outing that we would all enjoy!
There was one problem. Apparently we didn't see the same Wonder Woman movie that the members of the grapevine and the reviewers at Rotten Tomatoes had seen.
The movie was yet again, another utter waste of my time.
The best thing I can say about Wonder Woman is that it was better than Dawn of Justice.
But that is like saying having 1000 paper cuts on your left hand is better than on your right because you write and eat with your right hand (amongst other things). Hurray!!!!! ...but you still have 1000 paper cuts.
My first problem is that I think that as an actress, Gal Gadot is a great model. She is very pretty. I think she was a little too small to pull off a believable Amazon warrior, but that really wouldn't be a big deal... if she could act well. Perhaps some day she will be an outstanding actress... but she isn't there yet.
Because it is real, I wasn't bothered by Gadot's accent. I thought it odd that a Greek Goddess would not have a Greek accent, but it is a comic book. Anything is possible. My real problem was that the other Amazons had to use horrible fake accents in order to match Gadot's real one. The incredibly miscast Robin Wright's accent was probably the worst. She was supposed to be the fiercest of all the Amazon warriors. Yes. Robin Wright was the fiercest Amazon. I am all for suspension of disbelief, but that is Princess Buttercup! She is no action hero. I am not sure if her character, Antiope, was Greek, Middle-Eastern or Transylvanian. Whatever the accent was, it was terrible and distracting.
The first thirty minutes of the movie take place on "Paradise Island". Aside from a narration of an animated book that rewrote Greek mythology, I believe the island sequence was supposed to explain Wonder Woman's origin story...except it really didn't (DC seems to have a problem with that concept: explaining things).
Finally after approximately 30 minutes of nothing happening and very little being explained, there is a brief (but really cool) beach battle scene. The Amazon warriors take on some WWI German soldiers. There are actually some really cool shots of Amazons firing multiple arrows at a time and using expert hand-to-hand combat to defeat armed soldiers. The scene is especially good if you like slow motion shots every 10 seconds (I do not).
Cool. The writers Allan Heinberg and Zack Snyder and director Patty Jenkins had got my blood going. I was excited and ready for more action. That action came 30 excruciating minutes later. Unfortunately, that alley fight lasted approximately 60 seconds. Thirty seconds of which was due to... you guessed it... slow motion!
During the first hour and 10 minutes (I am positive on the exact time because I checked my phone) Wonder Woman spent more time trying on clothes than she did fighting. I am not kidding. After some very awkward and "sexually charged" dialogue between Wonder Woman and American spy Steve Trevor (both on the island and on the boat while leaving the island) the movie devolved into a near ripoff of Pretty Woman or My Fair Lady. I seriously didn't know what I was watching.
After she learns how to dress like a modern woman (I can't believe I had to write that), there are some delightful scene of her being introduced to ice cream, snow and dancing. Please read that line again. Are you ok with a super hero movie using valuable battle time on those types of scenes? I am not. It was laughable... and I did laugh out loud in utter disbelief.
After this, all I wanted to do was get to the epic final battle scene. Actually that is lie. I really just wanted to go home. But my kids were actually semi-entertained so I was just hoping for a few more action scenes.
The director obliged and tossed in a scene of Wonder Woman running across no man's land between two trenches. Miraculously, the German machine guns were unable to fire at Wonder Woman's legs and she was able to deflect every machine gun bullet first with her bracelets, then with a shield that was less than three feet in diameter and only covered her from the waste up. I have to hand it to the Germans. They were perfect shots. They were clearly aiming for the middle of her shield and they hit it every time!
There is another scene of her and her rag tag band of male side kicks fighting in a village and then finally the epic final battle occurs.
The final battle is actually very cool. I honestly can't criticize it very much aside from how much the word "love" was used during this intense battle (but at least no one screamed "Martha" repeatedly). I would have preferred they simply end the dialogue and let the explosions (of which there are many) do the talking.
Although the final battle was exciting and the special effects and sound were impressive, I was so bored by the time that final battle rolled around that I couldn't fully enjoy it.
In case you can't tell, I despised this movie. My wife was entertained but was also bothered by the snow and dancing scene (she was fine with the ice cream one however... odd). She did not think it was a waste of her time. My son was very bored. He almost never talks during a movie but in addition to talking to me, he was actually singing during a couple of points. He claims he liked it... but he was freaking singing and shifting in his seat nearly the entire final 90 minutes (which seemed like a month to me). I actually had to tell him to stop. He did. Surprisingly, my daughter liked it the most of all of us. However, at one point, she did announce that it felt like it was a good time to "take a nap" during one of the many slow parts.
If I had to do over again, I would not have even brought MJ to see this movie. It was too violent for a 10 year old. There is no blood... but that doesn't make it ok. Many people are killed with swords, arrows, guns and poison gas. I honestly feel like I dropped the ball on this one.
We did some research and had decided not to take her. Then we heard from word of mouth that it was fine and the ratings we had looked at were over exaggerating things. I honestly wish we had followed our gut and not taken her. In addition to the violence, there was some talk about sex that made me uncomfortable. If my 10 year old were not there, I would not have thought twice (except it was bad dialogue) but she was there... and it was completely unnecessary for the "story".
Unless you were a big fan of the two previous DC movies or are simply a huge Wonder Woman fanatic, I would not waste my time on this movie.
Geeky Dad's Movie Guide
Number of times I fell asleep: 0 (I needed to stay awake so I could tell my bored son to be quiet.)
Number of eye rolls: 5
Number of face palms: 1 (Shoot her in the legs!!!!)
Number of times my kids asked to go to the bathroom or get food out of sheer boredom: 0 (They just fidgeted in their seats and talked way too much.)
Number of times I checked steemit: 0 (There were people around me. I did not want to distract them. I did check the time three times.)
Number of times I said "That's ridiculous": 2
Did my kids like it: 12 year old son: He gave it an unenthusiastic "thumbs up" but his behavior during the movie told a different story. My 10 year old daughter said she wants to buy the movie and watch it a few more times.
Would I see it without my kids: No chance. They didn't even enjoy it enough to make the experience better.
Full price/Matinee/Rental/Free/Not worth the time: Not worth my time. If my daughter were older, we could have rented it for her.