I'm not a great believer in spending a lot of money on cards. The thing is, they sit on a windowsill for three maybe four days and then end up in the bin. I await the raffia mafia: "Oh, I save mine, cut them up and make collages for my dog's kennel" With this in mind, Christmas is even more of a reason to spend as little as possible on a card that will be buried amongst seventy-two similar offerings hung from a bit of string over the mantlepiece.
Having lost my parents and an aunt and uncle over the last couple of years I decided to make an effort this year and buy some decent cards. Having prized open my wallet and purchased a box of twelve, I proudly showed them to my daughter:
Me: "Look Hannah, I splashed out this year!"
Hannah: "I wouldn't call Card Factory exactly Splashing out dad."
Me: "How dare you! I spent nearly five-pound on these! If I'd have my way I'd spend thirty pence on a pack of one hundred."
Once they were all ready and I'd attached the insanely expensive 1st class stamp my daughter said: "Are you sure a single first-class is enough? You might need two? I bet that's classed as a large letter?" I haven't posted a letter in ages, so I've no idea. "Well, you'd best warn everyone that they may have to pay extra postage for their Christmas cards." Hannah said. Clearly, I would have to visit the post office to double-check.
The next day
I drove up the town and attempted to park in the car park. The only space available was next to some arse-wipe who doesn't understand the concept of white lines marking out the box you're supposed to park in. It was a risk, but I had no choice it was the only space available, so I parked with my passenger door pretty close to their driver door, so much so I suspect they would have to get into their car through the passenger door! Muttering under my breath, I heard off to the Post Office.
Past experience has taught me that with these sorts of places, it's best to arrive early to avoid the crowds; however, my 'early' was not early enough! as I arrived, there was an older guy stood in the doorway.
Me: "Are you queueing?"
OAP "yeah"
Me: "How come you're stood there? You could move closer."
OAP "Social Distancing!"
Me: "Social Distancing? You could get a coachload in that gap mate!"
The guy moved a bit closer to the line so that at least I could get in the door out of the cold. Sadly, there were about a dozen people in front of me. Our Post Office also has a shop in it that sells basic stuff like sweets, fizzy pop, in fact, all the items you'd expect in a newsagent but without the newspapers. Amazingly some bloke wanted to squeeze through the queue to go to the shop the thing is, there's a perfectly good newsagent, not fifty yards away! So why was he determined to force his way into the post office shop just to but a Mars bar and a can of pop? Looking down the front of the line there was a woman with her daughter who was by the looks of it running her own eBay business from Window 4. She was holding up various packages of all shapes and sizes while the postman wrote stuff down but all the while engrossed in conversation with the woman about what she was doing for Christmas, the lottery and what was on TV totally ignoring the seething line of people waiting, probably, just to buy a stamp! After about twenty minutes I finally got to window 3 and glared at the woman with the packages:
Me: "Hi, I have these cards I'd like to send. As you can see I've put 1st Class stamps on but is that enough for these sized envelopes?"
Postman: "That's not enough."
Me: "OK, So what do I need?"
Postman: "You need to put more stamps on."
No Shit Sherlock! Gritting my teeth
Me: "What do I need? Another 1st Class? a 2nd Class? Sellotape a pound coin to each envelope?"
Postman: "You need a 2nd Class stamp, have you got any?"
Me: "No, that's why I'm here!"
I bought seven 2nd Class stamps, put them on each envelope and posted them and made my way back to my car and the diagonal vehicle was still parked next to me. I pulled out and guess who got into the badly parked car? Yep! Mrs "I don't have to consider anyone else." and her daughter from the Post office.
My family says that I don't get out enough, that this is normal behaviour? If that's normal behaviour and people are allowed to behave like that without anyone saying anything then I think I'll stay indoors because sadly the general public are not allowed to own cattle prods in this country.
My actual name is Pete
Find out Here why I have the username dick_turpin.
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