An quite unbiased analysis of a new prodigiously epic movie released today

Introduction & Pre-Analysis

Mysteriously emerging from uncertain depths of a missing mind something proclaimed as monumental is on it´s way to stream into the download services physically located on the cayman islands and other countries far off of the babylonian copyright mafia structures for even paying playmoney from a childs boardgame to watch junk like this would be some kind of sin.

Some moments ago Absent Minds Inc (AMI) officially announced their new movie hitting theatres in one or two of the next moments considering the exponentially increasing reduction of the half-life of the recipients organic memory. This means, as it is broadly known, the directly while announcing release method was chosen due to the fact that the rate of memory withering among possible viewer groups expererienced in countless advanced cases happens to be considerably faster than loading new Data. By the way, the mentioned data withering procedure was developed some time ago to be recently installed more and more to solve the issue of capacity twingling in an easy and fashionable manner.

The films voicing features simplified speech narration with a strong hang to express everything spoken only in vowels to the end that the viewer hopefully doesn't lose the thread all too often. This approach clearly indicates that the desired prey for this screen flickering are the north american sheep resources. Sadly, reality seldom reflects such a pious hope, especially in recent years where mayhem tended to spread whereas nobody really knows how and why. So, most likely, the sheep herds of the rest of the world aswell will be magically driven to swallow this throw-off. Fact is, as frequently made observations show, the standardized audience of movies in such fashion usually devours them in a highly hypnotic and dozy state knowing it is just an entertainment because everybody knows that cannonical hard boiled facts and final truths can only be found on the back of a cornflake box or some considered scientific candy bar. The second somewhat smaller group of viewers consists of health fetishists getting there kinda similar and with quite the same efficiency through chemically colored granola bars. So, the odds end up almost exactly identical. The interested analyst can seperate them efficiently by keeping an eye on the purchases at the snack bar of the cinema. While buying drinks sold as 'light' directly indicates a group two specimen.

Lastly the determined genre of this concoction is located in the space near a apocalyptic comedic romance the filmmakers stated in the course of the press ceremony after pointing out that there has to be sufficient room left for some artistic freedom.

Plot synopsis (Spoiler alert)

The starting scene of the motion picture introduces a rocky american east coast sea shore in winter time. An enormous number of busses cut there way towards the top of a rather high cliff and stop a little further back on one of the large tourist parking lots. Subsequently people start to stream out of the busses in large numbers all of which are not quite happy with their situation due to the cold enhanced trough heavy rain and the howling wind from the sea. But they don't have any clue where else to go or what to do leaving them only enjoying all the advantages of a full-scale dim-witted glance.
Some moments pass starring only the wailing sea winds. Then some marines arrive on one of the next busses armed with big plastic signs which they expose to the dazed crowd. Nothing is written on them but only showing big arrows pointing towards the cliff. This is a side feature of the implemented simplified Speech narration. The filmmakers don't want the audience to be buckled with reading and therefore disrupt their dull state through needless stress.
Anyway, without speaking the crowd starts to move while heading for the instructed direction. All that is accompanied by extrem loud and easily more pathetic music, naturally without lyrics remaining faithful to the narration style.
In the following the apocalyptic part takes place in which countless people drop off the cliff in an endless stream. This happening is entangled with the comedic touch which is achieved due to some fellows of the horde proving themselves too dumb to die after the fall. And, the even more hilariously funny effect emerges as they walk away from the shore just to catch the next bus to the top of the cliff. As the scene evolves one of them dramatically ends up screaming out in fury because the bus didn't stop for that dude due to him standing on the wrong side of the street. But, this personal defeat all of a sudden pulls out his tremendous heroic traits and he walks proudly posing all the way up the cliff by foot. With the last spark of energy he then drops him self down from the absolut highest point of the rock. Seconds later he´s dead. Some off them repeat that process several times until eventually the dieing works out properly for them. This blood stained suicidal massaker goes on and on with deaths filmed in every possible and impossible camera angle often in slow motion which could be one of the major causes for the enourmous length of the movie.
Some commercial breaks later the consequential ending again shrouded with music of virtual unreached patheticalness reveals the unexpected romantic attributes of the film. The ongoing carnage finally ends up in the genesis of a bridge to europe consisting of the countless dead bodies which soon gets called "The Atlantik Brücke" because some german witnesses it first. This marks the last highly emotional scene leaving everybody squeaking happy after all.

Preliminary rating:

Minus 8

Main sponsoring:

Movie title:

Lax Brain

Starring:

Donald Dump as himself & Inane McCrapper as Norman Baitin'

Regie:

Stanley Fullbrick

Publisher:

Absent Minds Inc. (AMI)

Production:

Negative IQ

Co-Producer:

Roland Jämmerlich

Realisation & Screenplay:

Cognition Ammunition Ltd.

Story:

Vacuum Royale Realms [vrr]

Dialogue:

Linguistic Graveyard in association with Simplified Speech Implants

Stunts:

Punchinello Connessione

Special FX:

Nervous Convulsions & John Who?