So this is going to be a bit hard for me to write

But it's going to be good for me in the end. I joined Steemit because I love to write but also I needed to have an outlet a healthy way for me to get things out in the open. It's a way for me to express, really the only way I know how, what I feel, what I'm thinking, things I can't verbalize well enough to get my point across.

There were a hard couple days last week.

I dealt with my first reprimand at work as a manager. Which, in all honesty is hard for me because he's doing a great job but there were things that needed to be addressed that couldn't simply go unnoticed. So I had to prep myself Thursday night for that meeting on Friday. I was terrified, but it went well enough... at least I think so. Regardless I'm the manager and it needed to be done.

For this reason

And having another employee out of the office on vacation I couldn't pull myself away to go to my mom's doctors appointment. This left my dad alone, for the first time, with her neurologist. I hated that I couldn't be there. I hated that he had to go alone, I hated that I wasn't there because we're a team in this and damnit, that's all we have.

Fuck I hated leaving him

Excuse my language but, I hated leaving him alone. I did though because I had to. I couldn't get away. My dad had texted me that night saying he loved me. I texted back if he was okay and that I loved him too. He said he was just a bit depressed. That's when I remembered he had gone alone to her appointment - a simple check up but you just never know with Alzheimer's disease. It's a horribly progressive disease that can take a person away from you fast, without question. So I called, thinking something happened, something new emerged.

Nothing new, just an eye opening experience alone.

I knew this, I had had a few of those of my own - when my dad couldn't get away either I did it alone. I spoke personally with the doctor and he told me the nitty gritty truth of it all. He told me with no vial over my eyes. He held nothing back - for that I was grateful because I knew what to expect. All of which I had told my father, I had relayed this information to him, but it's different seeing it first hand, hearing it from a doctors mouth. I hated I wasn't here.

He shouldn't have been alone.

We had a long conversation that night. I had pulled myself away from my step son and husband at Dave and Busters, a family gaming restaurant and spoke with him in depth about it all. I decided he and I would have a father daughter day up coming - very soon - hopefully next week if I can get away. He needed to start caring for himself too - not just Mom. It's hard hearing it first hand like he had... Like I had... when I heard it from the doctors mouth like that I had cried for hours...

When chance is out of your hands and there's nothing you can do, it changes things.

You feel at a loss, broken and torn. It's a hard thing to get through. When it involves something you loves so much it makes it even harder. My parents are my life. I just hope my mom's disease doesn't break my father... or me... I don't know what we'll do as thing progress but we'll do it together...

So... That's it. Sorry for being a downer. I needed to get it out though. I've had it in for a few days now... Thanks for listening. Much love to you ALL. Hold your loved ones close... that's all you have.