Obey.
Editor’s note: In an effort to avert Facebook censorship, today’s Caitlin Johnstone column has been replaced with a mainstream news article from the National News Conglomerate.
Breaking — Anonymous sources in various intelligence agencies have determined in a secret assessment that it is very, very, very important that you forget all your grievances against America’s political status quo right now and focus on hating Russia instead. Our sources, whose identity you needn’t worry your pretty little head about, are telling us that the importance of your Russian hatred is far more urgent than your concern regarding the content of the DNC leaks, the content of the Podesta files, the collusion of the mainstream media with powerful political parties as revealed in WikiLeaks documents, America’s soul-crushing economic disparity, or the overwhelming urge your mounting cognitive dissonance is giving you to scream “I just can’t do this anymore” and steer your vehicle into oncoming traffic.
“We really, really need people to believe us here,” one source told National News Conglomerate, speaking under conditions of total anonymity and deliberate, infuriating vagueness. “There are some very bad people in charge of a particular country, and that country is definitely not the United States of America.”
“It’s Russia,” the source added, with a self-assuredness in his or her voice that should inspire trust and confidence in everything he or she has said here.
This breaking Real News™ revelation contradicts many of the false narratives being promulgated by fake news outlets and in rumors on the internets. The fake news story that these fake news outlets fakely share, in a way that is completely wrong (and fake), is that there is no evidence that Americans should be particularly worried about Russia. We here at NNC would like to thoroughly debunk and disprove this false fake faketty fake fake fake news fakery by reminding our readers that the statements made by our anonymous sources can be verified by the other statements of anonymous sources made in other respected real news outlets like the Washington Post and the New York Times.
“There is simply no disputing the fact that we all really, really want Americans to believe this particular thing that we’re having an annoyingly hard time getting them to believe,” said an anonymous authority figure from the shadows of a dark parking garage in an undisclosed location to the Washington Post. “There is total consensus in anonymous community about that.”
“Can I be an anonymous source too?” an insider known only by the pseudonym Schmoe Schmiden asked the New York Times. “Tell them Putin’s a buttmunch. You can print that, right?”
Russian President and alleged buttmunch Vladimir Putin yesterday instructed his employees at the fake news Russian propaganda network WikiLeaks to issue an unfair and undemocratic challenge to President Barack Obama, tweeting Obama should submit any Putin documents to WikiLeaks to be authenticated to our standards if he wants them to be seen as credible.
This scandalous challenge by WikiLeaks founder and secret Kremlin operative Julian Assange flies in the face of the fact that some people still do believe the things President Obama says. Recent surveys indicate that he remains highly trusted by Democrats with landline phones, for example, and by people with no access to the internet. His approval rating among Americans who wear suspenders remains at a near all-time high.
As always, National News Conglomerate would like to remind readers that it is in fact illegal for you to read WikiLeaks, but it is legal for us to read them for you and tell you what they say. In fact, it’s best if you avoid reading anything on the internet at all except for the things we tell you to read, and stick to reading books in the meantime. Remember books? Why, those darn millennials with their Myface and their hippitty hop music don’t remember what it’s like to curl up with a good book while mother brings you cup after cup of hot chocolate and strokes your hair and reminds you to be a good little girl and to never marry an unfaithful fornicator like your father. Those were the good old days, back when we all agreed to hate Russia and everyone who didn’t got blacklisted and censored. The world made so much more sense back then.
Thank you for shopping at National News Conglomerate. Caitlin Johnstone will be back to her regularly-scheduled slot when her reeducation programming is complete. To help us keep track of her, you can like her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, or even support her on Patreon so she'll think you're a red commie like her. Please keep reading without thinking.