I was fresh out of school; a young doctor with immediate ambitions to rest from academic reading for a while and add some weight.
I returned home after my induction ceremony to a fine bed and plenty of food. My parents dotted on me severely. Lots of friends began the name calling. " Doc-the-doc" they'd yell in sarcasm. I'd grin from ear to ear, saying one big word in medicine. It was my comfort zone--the jargon I had spent 6 years learning!
I woke up one morning believing I needed to do something more productive with my life than waking up every morning to meals and movies. I told friends to let me speak in their companies and facilities about diseases of social interest like abortion or cancer.
I wanted to do anything but be employed as a doctor in a hospital. When asked why, I just told them I didn't want to bother my head with syringes and drugs. I just wanted to freestyle. But I also had believed this lie I told to others.
One evening after collecting a miserly 2500 naira for speaking on molecular carcinogenesis, I dumped the lie. Truth is, I was scared...scared to sit alone in an office and take on diseases I had never treated alone...scared to miss a diagnosis... Scared to have someone die because I didnt know what to do. What if I wasn't sound enough, good enough, clinical enough?
I was paralyzed by the thought of doing alone what I had always done as a student under close supervision.
One day, I faced my fear. I applied at a hospital, passed their interview and resumed work the following night.
I was told a senior doctor would join me.
I came with a timid demeanor, smitten by the possibility I had made a mistake by resuming. My first patient had acute tonsillitis. I was immediately surprised I was right about the diagnosis and treatment.
" It's not too difficult", I consoled myself.
My last case that day was a patient with cerebral palsy having generalized seizures. Jerking in all four limbs...very scary! I freaked out, had a big tremulous moment in my office, stormed out like an experienced emergency doc and did the best I could.
Out of fright, I asked my boss why I didnt see another doctor come around. His reply was a famous question I had asked myself unendingly. He said " Are you afraid?"
"No!" My reply almost interrupted him. I lost the fear that moment!
Case after case. Patient after patient. Most of them returned to thank me. Never was there a time I became clueless on what to do.
I was still a doc after working in that hospital. I still am. But I became all that my fear told me I should make a shortcut for by picking other jobs instead of saving lives medically.
I'm grateful for the CHALLENGE of being alone because it was by it I CHANGED into a more confident professional.
Is there anything that scares you to try and you have clothed your timidity with bespoke excuses and shortcuts? Rip those clothes off. Get out naked into the halls of your fear. It is very uncomfortable. You might have panic attacks in the play but you'd end up progressing in an area you were once too hopeless to try.