Thank you to @solarsupermama for nominating me for this challenge because this is a topic that is important and very relevant to me.
Forgiveness is something that we often think about when others do something bad unto us, and as many of us know forgiving people for their mistakes is not only a great gift to that person but also to ourselves because we are then able to give up our anger and pain towards them and free up a lot of mental chatter that may be going on. I know how many hours I have spent having bad thoughts to someone because of the things they have done, and only when I have found the compassion and good spirit to let go of it have my days become peaceful and pleasant again. The same can be said for self forgiveness, and its fair to say that many of us are even harder on ourselves than we are on others!
Forgiveness is very linked to shame, whereby we may judge our selves and our actions and feel great shame about something we have done or said. This may have its uses in the short term, i.e acknowledging that we have done something wrong and learning from our mistakes due to the sadness we feel.. but what about when it is out of balance and we are living a life of chronic toxic shame or self guilt. In these cases it can be quite crippling and can lead to a spiral of negativity that can become a normal way of being.
I am very good at making mistakes, and particularly when I was younger I would sometimes say things that were really stupid. Normally they were said because I was nervous, or shy and just wanted to say something and would just spurt out the most ridiculous or even hurtful things pretty much by mistake. I remember once small incident when I was just 11 years old and was playing snooker with a good friend in his parents home. They were all watching us, and I for some reason I wanted to try to be funny and so I told them all a really silly joke that was quite derogatory about Irish people.. We all know there are plenty of Irish jokes going around, and so I blurted out a really stupid joke out that I made up on the spot. No sooner than I had finished that joke then the room went deadpan silent. Being quite sensitive I could feel that I had somehow screwed up pretty badly but couldn't figure out what had gone so wrong!.. After about 20 seconds my friend looked up at me and said, " Alex, we are all Irish!" Oh shit! What a great embarrassment, I still feel really ashamed even now, more than 30 years later! I think i just apologized and ran home after that, and its fair to say things were never quite the same again with him after that! Thinking about this story now, and how I feel about relating it to you I can see that I still feel ashamed about this and haven't forgiven myself for it. Because of that I have been holding this guilt, judgment and shame for three decades! I didn't mean anything bad by it and love the Irish very much,, what an amazing culture they have! So it was just an innocent childish mistake, and so right here right now I proclaim that I forgive myself for this! Ha! Now I'm actually smiling as i write this, it actually feels good and I can feel how this is freeing up some space inside. Who;d have guessed!
With this in mind I would like to share a poem that I am about to write, because in life we all make mistakes. We are all human, and so long as we are prepared to own our shit, and improve ourselves I think making making mistakes is a great thing and a very special opportunity to grow and become a better person.
Guilt... Judgement... Shame
I made a mistake
The same mistake
again and again, oh why!?
What is wrong with me?
Why do i keep screwing up?
I hurt them so much they wont even talk to me.
Am I a bad person?
How can I forgive myself for the 100th time?
I'm not perfect,
They're not perfect,
My mum was far from perfect,
My brother was very far from nice!
I took so much abuse, neglect and horrible words,
But I never gave it back.
In it went and i took it on,
Believing every word.
I never forgave them, because I never knew they did anything wrong.
Now I realise it has sat in my heart all my life.
I have even picked up where they left off,
Berating myself, hating myself,
Stuck in deep shame,
Because they must have been right, right?
Wrong!
Now I realse the truth, after so long,
With compassion I know that they just didn't understand me!
They thought I was crazy and dumb, because they did not know,
I had ADD, and I couldn't help but roll around like a hyperactive monkey
I couldn't help failing in school, because I couldn't focus, I couldn't think.
Now I can forgive them, because they were just scared,
And they knew not what effect they had.
How can I be angry at them and not me?
I forgive them because I need to forgive myself,
We both do the same thing!
No more shame,
I did nothing wrong.
I release this guilt,
I let go of my pain.
I do not deserve this,
I can not grow past this,
Without compassion for myself!
I forgive myself,
I forgive myself,
I really forgive myself,
Once and for all.
I NOMINATE @CLARA-ANDRIESSEN FOR THIS CHALLENGE
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