help me
the demons have me in their grip
I'm offline, and have no distractions.
now the bottle has me.
and i know how quickly it can take hold
and how hard it can be to release oneself from the grip once it has you
and it scares me
without internet, there is nothing to silence the demons
nothing to distract
nothing to keep the insanity at bay
at least with the alcohol ( a nice 15yo, for $38)
i wonder if this is the same dilemma my old girl faced
disconnected from family, seeking solace in the bottle
her weapon of choice was Haig scotch
perhaps where i picked up the taste.
perhaps its the aboriginal blood that flows in my blood.
my preference is Bundaberg rum
if any of the readers are Australian
i'm sure they just visibly cringed
koori lad, AND rum?
'patient is basically dead' meme comes to mind
watching Barry atm
on to season 4 now
have binged the last 2 seasons in the past 24 hrs
has me thinking
i can see a lot of myself in Barry
many of the points they touch on, i can relate to
and that also scares me
also makes me want to take up acting
i think i have a lot of 'life' to draw on, to 'help create the scene'
i just need it to be requested data
i struggle to monologue, as im most of the time online, trying to ignore the monsters inside
and for the most part it works
until the end of the month, when my goals aren't met
when i have to go without data.
and those are the worst moments
hose are worse than the 'crawling into bed justr before sunrise
the point where the voices get the loudest
the point where the memories flood in
the darkness before the light
and then
i get my 4 hours sleep, and repeat the process
blocking out the processing time
distracting from reality
its funny
when ppl think of substance abuse, they never think of the non physical, like the internet
finished watching Barry s2-4
ended up having dreams about it
the bit about god showing signs got me thinking
not sure if that was the goal
part of the newerld order or something
designed to create chaos
to sever the fragile minds and their what's the word ...
its hard to explain
especially in text form
where i am limited by my words per minute
(which is very low)
as opposed to my brain firings, which are very high.
was looking through old pics ive saved over the years today
found something interesting from mid 80s (scans, not downloaded then)
goes over all the things Capricorn is known for
and found it related also to a lot of my life experience
perhaps i need to work on my chi
btw, just finished watching shang-chi and the legend of the 10 rings
makes me want to date a traditional Chinese lady now ( though must speak English as i don't know Chinese)
bought a recharge today, for more internet, but, ngl, im actually enjoying the detox
im 2 days off weed too, so this is quite an adventure.
am mid 40's
been smoking since 11
and, apart from the 18m in 'one of her majesty's fine establishments'
(thats prison in freedom units)((ironically, the 'free country', has more people in prison, than 90% of the rest of the world, COMBINED))
welp, just gone midnight
time to reactivate internet
been a long 3 days
i wonder if anyone missed me
actually, i wonder if they even noticed i was gone