October 21st year 2017 a day that will be forever etched in my mind. I lost a part of me that day forever and it’s just not fair. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. I screamed on the top of my lungs as I watched the paramedics work on my daddy. How could this be happening? He was just tired and asked me to go get him some soup at the Pub. “ Come on Daddy you got this, breathe ,we need you, please Daddy.” I asked again “is he breathing?”as the officer asked me to the let the paramedics do their job. My mom hysterical behind me and my little boy at a strangers home. I ushered him out of the house to my parents neighbors whom he met in passing but non the less strangers to him. They welcomed him and kept him safe. For that I will be forever thankful. Just shy of 13 how will he ever recover from seeing what he saw today? Police cars, ambulances, helicopters and his grandfather on life support? As the paramedics took my daddy to the ambulance I yelled out the door “ you got this Daddy, you can do it.” All the while I have my brother on the phone breaking the news to get to the hospital because dad went into cardiac arrest and they were life flighting him to the hospital. My shoes.. I lost my shoes in all the commotion so a neighbor handed me my dads flip flops. I drove to the hospital with a million thoughts going through my head. How did this happen? Did he know? Is this why he wanted to send us to the Pub? What would have happened if we left? We sat in a room just off the waiting room waiting to hear. Finally, a doctor comes in but the news is not good. I called my older three boys and tell them they need to come say their goodbyes. How can this be happening? He’s only 68 he’s too young to die. He’s my daddy and he’s supposed to live a long time. Daddy don’t leave us please. I’ll do anything God I promise just don’t take him from me. I’m such a daddy’s girl. The doctor came in and pleads with us to make him a DNR so they don’t have to work on him again because it’s too hard on them. Too hard on you? What about us? Don’t you give up on him that’s your job and you have no right to ask this of us. We slept at the hospital holding his hand. Me on one side Mom on the other. Praying for a miracle the miracle that never came. The man my mom had been with since she was 15 and simply adored her was gone the next day. He did it his own way I’m sure to save us from making the decision of disconnecting everything. His heart just stop. Mom told him he could go and in that moment he did. I didn’t want to leave him how do I do this? Still wearing his shoes unkept and exhausted. Now what? This can’t be happening right now. The next few days were a blur. I stayed at Moms house because I could leave her nor could I bare to leave. I felt close to my Daddy while I was there almost calm. I abandoned my son and left him in the care of his brothers for days. I had to take care of Mom and help with arrangements. I still couldn’t believe he was gone. Just like that in the blink of an eye. Life turned upside down. The blows kept coming. We had to bury Dad on my sons 13th birthday. We had no choice. As if he hadn’t been through enough. A death and an abandonment all in a weeks time and now this. No birthday party instead a funeral. It would take an entire month before my son finally got his birthday party. It still didn’t feel right but Dad wouldn’t want Boogie to be tossed aside. They say it gets better as time goes on but I think that’s a lie. Thanksgiving was hard and Christmas even harder but the hardest is yet to come. Our birthdays are in March. We are a day apart and always celebrated together. Not this birthday or the next or ever. I’ll never be the same because a part of me died with him. Forever Daddy’s girl. I will wear his shoes so I can forever walk in his footsteps. I love you Daddy.