My partner and I have been in an open relationship for 5 years now. She's the love of my life - and - we've each seen different people romantically in that time. This polyamorous relationship has been an incredibly generous source of personal growth and liberation for both of us, one of life's greatest gifts.
It hasn't always been easy, or simple, and I've made my fair share of painful mistakes in learning how to navigate open relationships skillfully. I've learned so much from open relationships I want to share about my experience. For others who may be curious, and as a way of reflecting and deepening the learnings for myself.
I didn't hear of polyamory as a lifestyle, practice, and social movement until I was 22. It took me another few years of unguided personal experimentation and meeting people to have significant contact with polyamorous community and see real life examples of healthy, functional, liberating open relationships. Until then, I didn't really have any idea what was possible.
I did have clues that I was not monogamous, though, along the way. One of those was with my first real love - and heartbreak. We met in college, and spent more than a year together. Our relationship changed my life, and we are still close friends. She married her husband last summer, he's wonderful. Brooke and I were at their wedding, and she even hired Brooke as her wedding photographer. This photo, though, I took:
When we broke up way back when, a good friend of mine tried to convince me that she had cheated on me toward the end of our relationship. I got the feeling that he wanted me to be angry about it, but I didn't understand why I should care. Even if it was true, shouldn't I, as her lover, want for her to pursue her desires and for her to be happy? Easy to say after the fact, and once I had moved on, perhaps. Besides, my friend's accusation was speculative, his motivations in sharing it dubious at best, and I had no interest in unnecessary drama.
What I realized was that, deep down, I did not consider sexual fidelity to be the same thing as personal loyalty. Our relationship, and our romance, was so much more than sexuality. Besides, I had had sexual experiences with other people before that lacked romance and intimacy. And was it not possible to be attracted to - or even fall in love - with multiple people at the same time?
Why should I deny a beloved the realization of these desires? For fear of change? For fear that I might be replaced? If indeed that turned out to be what she wanted, wouldn't it ultimately better for me, too, to know and to adjust or change, rather than to move on compelled mostly by the unspoken contractual nature of our monogamous agreement? The questions, their scope and implications just kept expanding.
This was just a glimpse into a way of living that I would begin to explore years later. [In How I realized I was polyamorous pt. 2] I tell the story of my first real attempt at polyamory, and the life-changing experience I was graced with.
I hope this has been an enjoyable read. Questions, reactions, feelings - all welcome if you'd like to share. Ideas for future topics related to polyamory and open relationships? Ask away, I'm open to them! I'm all ready planning to talk about the topics I get asked about most often - communication, trust, jealousy, agreements, politics - but I would be happy to run with what's real for readers. You are, after all, why I am writing.
Peace and love,
Jared