4 am on a rainy Friday morning, I am woken up by the sound of my husband's cellphone ringing. He answers it and immediately gets up to leave. For a second I am confused, and then I remember he told me the previous night he'd be leaving early. Sigh ! Here I am, tired, sleep deprived, pregnant, and for what seems like an eternity, depressed. How did I end up here? I always thought I was destined to do great things. And yet, my greatest achievement today, like most other days, would be if I managed to make an unbroken omelette...
After struggling to sleep for the next thirty minutes, I give up. Now what am I supposed to do? lying wide eyed in bed, alone at home. Its not like I have anything productive to do. But for someone like me, being idle is a curse. Flashbacks, memories, depressing thoughts immediately start flooding into my head. Before I even know it, I am reminiscing about how good life once was for me, and drowning in self pity over my absolute uselessness. I have been a med school graduate for four years now. Not just any med school graduate. I was the valedictorian of my class, I won gold medals for crying out loud ! and all for what? so I could waste my life one day at a time. I think I literally am the only one from a class of 94 people who has ended up in such a pathetic state. Ok I got married, but why is it that a woman has to make all the sacrifices in any relationship for it to work?
I have been through this process before. I know it is a bottomless pit, a deep abyss which sinks you deeper and deeper into remorse and regret. And yet I don't stop thinking. All my life I made compromises because I was a woman. When I was young I had to compromise because my brother had the first pick in everything. I was the one with promising academics, yet he was the one who deserved more to go to a better University for his education. I had to pick from the leftovers. For months on end after he left for Uk, I cried. I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated my own family. I hated being a woman. This continued until one day, God knows how -since I can honestly not recall- I reconciled with my circumstances and learned to be happy again. I started doing well in College, made the best of my circumstances, found love, found good friends, and learned to move on. I did it all until I felt I was finally in control of my life.
Dear God, why is it that you always put me in a place where I have to make choices, give up on things, and depend on people?
February 2015- I had graduated 14 months ago, and was done with my mandatory 12 month internship. I was preparing to move to Uk for my postgraduate training. In the middle of all my excitement, my family got a proposal for my marriage. Arranged marriages are a norm in our society. But hey, at least my family considered me worthy enough to give me an opportunity to meet my potential suitor and decide for myself if I wanted to marry him or not. For someone who had grown up among restrictions and curfews, it was refreshing to finally be getting some liberty. I wouldn't lie. My husband is an amazing man. He has always been. I couldn't find a reason to reject the proposal, and decided to consent to it. This isn't even something I regret. THAT started after the wedding. I would love to go on and on about the difficult circumstances we went through, but that would turn this into a million word biography- I'm sure nobody would be interested in reading that on a blog. So long story short, I gave up on my dream of becoming a surgeon so I could have a family. I didn't give up on my career altogether, but Australians don't seem to be too fond of foreign graduates, and hence I've been unemployed for the last half year.
From a woman who always believed she would do great things, grow up to be independent, self sufficient and successful, and break out of the restraints that suffocated her all her life, I have ended up becoming an unemployed, completely dependent person who roams around in an empty house all day, waiting for her husband to come back home. WHY ME?? WHY ALWAYS ME??? Dear God, why is it that you always put me in a place where I have to make choices, give up on things, and depend on people? why do you have to make me feel like a parasite, a failure? a tear rolls down my eye. But that very moment, I feel a flutter in my belly. Oh hey there little one! I had completely forgotten you were here too. Instantly, my heart is filled with remorse. I realise how bitter I have become. I'm not a pathetic loser. I'm just someone who hasn't had everything served on a plate in front of her. Yes I've had to compromise, and give up on things, but I'm still not empty handed. I have a partner who loves me a lot, I have a baby, and I refuse to give up on my career, irrespective of how long it takes and how tough it gets. I did not get to pick most things in my life, but didn't I always manage to make the best out of whatever I got?
this, too, shall pass
Would I give up my husband and my child for any treasure in the world? NO! There are always two sides to a picture, two perspectives, two ways of looking at life. Sure I can continue drowning in remorse and self pity, or I can realise that what I have may not be what I would have chosen a couple of years ago, but it is also not something I would ever swap for the greatest of treasures. The world isn't ending. Life isn't over just yet. I will make it after all. There is a voice in my head -perhaps my intuition- that has always told me that. And I have always made it through even the worst of situations. I take a deep breath, pat my belly, and tell myself, "this, too, shall pass" with a big, content smile on my face...