Why are there so many people walking around with broken hearts? It really feels heavy. It feels really selfish, really self sabotaging. Yuk! Its hard for many people to be alone. Makes one have to have a relationship with self. I am at a real accepting place right now. I can be alone. However, this weekend, I did experience, for a moment, a broken heart, a broken fantasy.
With tears on his pillow last night, after he told me, " This weekend, lets just treat each other as friends...and no physical contact." I had no choice, lying next to him in his small bed, to say, "Ok" in order to honor and respect him.......
Well shit! What the fuck!!! !
That is why I flew to Austin, because your phone calls to me, telling me to come visit, come stay with you, come see me... I'm single now..... After all, I had known him for 3 years, and I had been receiving those calls for over 6 months now, and now, I am here, ready..... and that included physical contact with you..... I saved myself for you and you are making me lie in the same bed as you and no physical contact?? What are you, an alien?? tears fall to his pillow, I cant sleep, I hear the apartment upstairs, the couples bed making pounding noises against the wall.. It was the longest night..I tossed and turned, and wondered what I was doing there.
I know I was to stay for 2 nights, but there is no way..... I have a plan, I can tell him, I have to leave early, I have to go visit a friend, in Dallas, perfect, that's it.. . So in the morning, we woke up, he said he had to run to work( of course). While he was gone, I looked up flights to go home early. He came back home around noon. I told him I would need a ride to the airport, that I was flying to Dallas to see a friend. I asked him to take me around 2pm. My flight home didnt leave until 6pm. I felt more at ease, less disruptive, sitting at the airport. My pride was crushed, I didn't have it in me to tell him I was broken- hearted, disillusioned by his invitation. Next.
That was 10 years ago, I haven't spoken to him since.