No offense Mom, I love you with all my heart, but I think you knew from the first few years I had an independent streak that could not be quelled, or beaten down.
Sometimes, to my father's chagrin too! š
When my father said he was taking my brother's on a trip to climb Mt. Kinabalu in KK, I insisted on going along. I was 10, and nevermind that I didn't have the strength for it.
I persisted for 2 weeks to argue my case and kept fighting for my right. Finally he said that if I could train and run with him daily, for a whole month, he would consider it.
That's all I needed to hear.
I went daily, nearly puked a few times, and cheated on my rounds š I was determined, but not quite full on character yet back then!
I've challenged him and my mother on many things since. Some of which they eventually came to change their minds on.
My father played a huge rule in shaping me intellectually. He was an auditor and an avid reader, so naturally, I inherited some of that investigative quality and healthy curiosity.
He taught me about ancient civilizations, ancient languages, alien DNA in our system and Atlantis all before I turned 14.
I was naturally disappointed in school when a whole lot of history class got lobbed off to be replaced by what I call clear propaganda.
I refused to attend classes in protest. And even vowed to fail the damn paper to tell the government how I felt. Like I said, hot-headed, but not quite fully developed in character ... Yet š Despite my best efforts I passed the paper, fortunately at the lowest possible grade to satisfy my rebellion. ššš Teenage logic is just a whole other level.
When the elections happened in Sabah in the late 80's. I saw through the whole charade. Politics was dinner talk, and my father was passionate, so I ended up forming a lot of thoughts and opinions that mirrored his. My grandfather was an activist who fled India, and as it turns out .... The hot bloodedness just kept going. We just couldn't shut up.
Since my disillusionment of the Malaysian scene, I just stopped reading the papers, listening to news and vowed to stay away at a very young age.
But truth be told, I've never quite changed at the core. My thing has always been about truth, equality and equanimity. Because peace and joy is part of the pursuit of truth and equality.
As my life took a turn into spiritual pursuits, it became clear, there is no OTHER side. There was always ONE side.
Perception, acceptance, love and grace.
So I fought for a long time. My innate tendencies and my newfound wisdom, and my passion to write, voice and express myself.
How do I reconcile my own conflicting thoughts? How do I silence myself on some and speak openly about others? Especially when there is a higher truth that prevails, that does not require neither of the above.
What then is my purpose of this voice?
As I write this today, I would like to think, that it is in speaking the truth. Simply that. No blame. No shaming. No accusations. Just heartfelt words.
As a Malaysian, I grew up in a racially diverse country. I loved it and hated it at the same time.
I learned about the beauty of diversity and the ugliness of racism within the earth's rotation on a single day. It was further compounded by being female, which was a silent burden we all carry unknowingly.
You don't realise it until it is tested and awakened. That's when you see things were very close to the boiling point at all times.
Psychologists have studied racially induced stress. Especially where it is institutionalised, systemic or social injustices, and biases. Life is harder, to just exist. It is a real measure of persistent stress that affects millions.
For the most part, we don't just survive, we thrive. It has made the underdogs work 10-20x harder. But truly at what cost though?
I can't say I'm completely over all of my biased perception. I'm not. But I am conscious and work on checking my heart as much as possible to make sure I don't place my misaligned judgements upon anyone - knowingly. It takes a lot of practice and awareness.
It is of course easier, because I have a diverse group of people (friends, family and strangers) that I love despite our differences. As it usually is, these biases are more of a shell of a belief that either get triggered and reinforced or just occasionally triggered, and not reinforced till it just fades away.
These days, I know life need not be a struggle. I understand my mind and the nature of life. There are ways to design, create and live it in abundance and love.
This is what I hope for all of us to BE:
To see past our cultural, ethnic and religious differences.
Economic differences.
Systemic and institutional differences.
I believe in ONEness. And it begins with ourselves first and foremost.
Having said this, it is also important that we are open to having uncomfortable conversations with ourselves and our diverse brothers and sisters, SHOULD it arise.
When the George Floyd case had the whole world talking about injustice in the USA, people everywhere rose up for him and their own oppression.
I did not speak up of racism here locally, when the Black's were grappling with theirs, because even though we too have been marginalised, we were not enslaved, have our identities taken away, and then continue to face inequality for 400 years. They had grievances to speak, that needed to be heard on their terms. Which is yet to be fully heard till today.
Also, slavery, bigotry and every violation of humanity we see today have existed since the beginning of the humanoid species.
So why do I stand here today, saying I am my father's daughter?
Because my father never backed down from speaking up. He questioned what was not true. Including an entire state's accounting frauds and cover ups. It didn't matter who it was. It also didn't matter that he might get booted out, he wouldn't do it any different the second time round.
I am not here to question or champion fairness and justice, simply truth.
Is it TRUE that we see each other as equals? The answer is NO. We want opportunities for ourselves, but not for our brothers and sisters. Or, we don't believe we can have the same opportunities others enjoy.
This is the starting point of all other discussions. This is where fundamental shifts need to happen at both individual and eventually global levels.
Ultimately, this is the one question that sparks the entire debate. And the one question that ends it. That's all.
I am my father's daughter because I can't help myself, despite the warnings to be quiet. The question weighs too heavily to be unspoken.
It is not political, it is not racial, it is simply of love - a universal language we all know and understand well.
ā¤ļø
I am sorry it has taken me 7 years to pay a decent tribute to you. This one is for you Pa, and it won't be the last ā¤ļø Thank you for shaping me and inspiring me to stand up and speak up.