I am a born anarchist. I wasn't raised an anarchist, but I eventually came to my senses. I do not like to be controlled (like many other fellow anarchists). And once I feel someone has me under their thumb, I leave. Just ask my poor mother. When I was a teenager, my mother was extremely controlling (aside from that, she is a wonderful woman who eventually learned to let that part of herself go). As a result, I moved out before I even hit the age of eighteen.
I've even dated someone who called himself an anarchist. He believed that we would be better off without government, yet sought to govern my every waking move as a human being (my thoughts, my actions, my finances, and even my diet). As a result, I left, because I believe that someone who calls themselves an anarchist, yet seeks to control other people is completely contradictory. There's a missing ingredient, And I believe that missing ingredient is security in one's self.
I will admit that I was this insecure person at one point, too. Due to my mother's strict parenting, I learned the bad patterns of control for myself. And when I was eighteen, I entered my first serious relationship. I fought tooth and nail to try to control him, even making up unfathomable lies to keep him under MY thumb. And I truly believe this stemmed from a level of insecurity with myself. I did not know how to be alone, because when I was, I had to face myself. And what I had to face was not pretty. So unsurprisingly, he left me eight months later.
I was horribly depressed, alone, and suicidal because of it. It was the first time I was forced to face myself. I remember one dark winter night, I took a long drive (consisting of sad music and many cigarettes). I remember thinking to myself:
"If I don't change my behavior, I am never going to have meaningful relationships."
And that was the first time I truly faced myself.
It was then that I made a commitment to myself that I would do anything I could to change, so I could eventually have the meaningful relationships I truly wanted. And after two years of solitude, psilocybin therapy, self-help books, Reiki practice and meditation, I reached a very profound period of my life; a spiritual awakening. At age twenty-one, while my friends were out drinking, I was laying outside watching the stars. I can't describe the intense feeling I had during this point of my life. It's still indescribable. I truly feel I was connected with something divine. Looking back, I've come to the realization that that beautiful energy I was so connected to was all inside of me. It was me.
Since I was little, I always wanted to be a member of a club or group that nobody wanted me to be a part of. I was fixed on being accepted by others. It was only after my spiritual awakening when I truly learned to love how unique I was. I am a loner at heart, and by grasping that concept I've come to accept that most of my time on earth will be spent in solitude. I'm okay with that, too. I am no longer afraid to face who I am; my image, my quirks, my ideas, my mistakes, and even my dark side.
I can promise with absolute certainty that I WILL learn, and I will grow, and I will change. Change comes with new experiences.
But I will not change just because someone tells me I should.
I truly believe that it is only when you can be comfortable in your aloneness that you can love someone else down to their core. Once you value your own freedom, you can value the freedom of others. You don't seek to change them or control them. If you have learned to accept yourself, you have learned how to accept others for who they are. You do not expect them to make you happy, because your happiness lies within YOU. It takes a great amount of maturity to be in relationships with others (whether it be friends, family, or a significant other), and it all starts with you.
