I know what you're thinking : how can a man my size even dare give out such tips?

Well, despite my monumental stature, i am a man of pure health and by following these five tips you will be in tip-top shape in no time.

Tip no 1 - work out at least once a day

Unlike the guy on the right who is clearly an alcoholic, lifting the weight of 30-50 big macs each day repeatedly will erase your need to even stand up to be in shape. Remember, round IS a shape!

Tip no 2 - Eat fat free

picture is self explanatory really

Tip no 3 - Yoga

I know it sounds silly for a guy my size to say such a thing, but trust me, once you've mastered the art of blowing thyself you will achieve true happiness. When Neo is out of town i'm left with no choice but to bend over and take care of myself.

Tip no 4 - Chin-ups

Growing a nice thick chin adds extra weight for your body to carry. The bigger the chin, the harder it is to get to the fridge.

Tip no 5 - Ignore the haterz

Say what they will but real women have curves!
Since i started my piggy diet my breasts have grown and i attract attention everywhere i go now. Jealous much?