Writing is a reflection of the internal theatre that grips my imagination. As I reimagine the last 10 years of my life I find patterns which elucidate a deeper game. My upcoming 30 year milestone of life is bringing the crystallization of thought in meaningful ways. My self-directed courage to be vulnerable in a public medium, as a means to transcend is my underlying objective. They are those, the few, who learn only though self-directed action against social convention, tradition and the crowd. The genealogical mapping of thought, deconstruction of patterns and honesty can guide the walkers of the lonely path through the darkness ahead.
The Fractured Self & The Descend into the Abyss
We come into being in a physical world where coercion, control and love are believed to be one and the same. To love someone is to take control of someone. To coerce someone into doing something for 'their own good' is equal to caring & respecting an individual's sovereignty. As we progress into adulthood we can observe how words such as friendship, vulnerability and trust are used as leverage by the Other to win in the zero-sum game of a pathological society.
Let's be honest, the carnival of counter culture attracts fools, jokers and compassionate people from all walks of life.
To say one is a fool is to say one lacks knowledge, direction and purpose but to stay a fool means the heart has been anchored by the remorse of the past. The underworld of the mind is replete with these phantoms of the past which set roots in the tepid substrate of unresolved conflict. In waking life, the perspective we carry behind the public persona is conditioned by culture & comfort to shy away from negative emotional complexes. We choose instead to mask the pain with self-defeating endeavours, counter-productive attitudes and with the belief that we are deserving of suffering.
Sexual gratification releases us from this frustration in the short-term, which is why a fractured individual obsesses about it. After-all, this is the light at the end of the tunnel which promises salvation, redemption and regeneration. The hamster-wheel of fruitless relationships further distracts us from the fact that we are complicit in regressing into the familiar. The internal conflict of the self is reflected in relationships, risky behaviour and exemplified through our obsessions. As the cacophony of internal conflict grows louder, so does the desperation to escape into immediate gratification...i.e. salvation through self-absorption.
The duality of the orgasm is that of life & death, evolution or involution...these two twin pillars attract two different sets of energy. To those who've released themselves of shame, guilt and romanticized suffering the orgasm creates a peak experience which imbues inspiration, energy and generates life. To those whose hearts been anchored by remorse, guilt and shame an orgasm provides a release from this frustrated energy.
The unconscious (underworld) mind left unexamined will possess the physical body with emotional complexes that are archetypical reinterpretations of the darker aspect of the personality. For example, an individual may feel he is at odds with society --so he may choose to embrace the costume of rebel without a cause. The rebellious individual may even embrace the archetype consciously, however the path of self-destruction unfolds in tragedy regardless whether it was a conscious or unconscious choice. The passion that pushes the self further into the underworld distorts the perception of value & time as being fleeting, endless and short-lasting all at once. Gratification through sex, drugs and counter-culture is fleeting, seemingly endless and tragically short-lasting solutions. It is in this carnival of illusions that so many souls lose sight of themselves, only to awaken years later frustrated, dejected and burned out.
To bare witness to this insurmountable tide of corruptions breeds a hatred for humanity, as well as a paralysing impotence. This impotence, frustration & aimless energy, seeks a vehicle, receiver or "target" to aim & release its distorted energy. In essence, if we procrastinate the self-healing process to liberate ourselves from our personal attachment to pain then the subconscious mind will manifest a physical reality which externalizes our inner-turmoil as fascinating adventures which only furthers our descend into the abyss.