Beating my Meat👀

"I can't stop beating my meat. I beat it frequently and steadfastly. I know i don't always have to beat it but as a personal preference, I prefer that my meat remains constantly firm and tenderized instead of soft and flaccid like a loser's meat."

"Heck! Sometimes I even prefer using huge buns to beat my meat. Yes... they do the trick. They do the trick just fine in beating my meat - beating my meat before I slide them back into those soft huge buns :)"

—A Life Changing Quote by Zeraton.

I choose to answer:

Write about some of your guilty pleasures, those things you probably shouldn't do or enjoy so much, but you do! List a few, explain why they're guilty pleasures and why you enjoy them so much.

As you might've guessed by the title or by the resourceful quote I left up there for your viewing pleasure, this post is going to be centered (mostly) on my love for beating meat. Or at least, meat in general.

And no, I'm not talking about the type of meat beating that makes you go:

Grrrrrrrrrhhh...Holy fuck! THIS FEELS AMAZING!!

Nope, I'm referring to the Indigenous act of proper meat tenderizing.

You know, ironically... I was never really into tenderizing my meat before cooking it. Heck! I was always an impatient cook, so the idea of having to use a mallet to slam a giant steak into perfection, always seemed like nonsense and a waste of time to me.

Alas, it wasn't until my mother banned me from preparing meat or any kind of meal for that matter, that I was forced to ask the burning question:

_{Lol, according to her I was: all meat, no tender. Still don't know wtf that means till this day though...}

Fortunately, after stumbling upon a very insightful post on masterclass.com that read:

When you tenderize a cut of meat, you puncture holes in the connective tissue, allowing the meat to absorb the seasonings and marinades better, making the cooked steak more succulent and easier to consume. Tenderizing also helps with the preparation of thick cuts of steak.

I realized what I was missing out on!

Basically, all those sciency stuffs about the meat and the tissues, all comes down to one thing - that your meat is going to taste a whole lot better when tenderized! And tenderize, I did.

Ever since then, preparing meals like sandwiches with huge soft buns, or good old fashioned meat rice, has never been the same! Yes, I had finally discovered the true importance of beating your meat.

I was no longer a loser with a soft and flaccid meat.

Well, unto my next guilty pleasure then: Breaking the 5 Second Rule

Now, I know what you're gonna say: "Ew" "Gross" "Disgusting" "Fuckhead you're gonna kill yourself with germs!" But wait...just hear me out for a second:

Have you ever dropped an ice cream on the floor before? Or the last egg in your refrigerator?...

Tell me, have you ever spilled your REALLY expensive wine on the carpet? Accidentally slipped away the sausage from your hotdog? Or worse, had your perfect-once in a lifetime sandwich, carelessly thrown away by your careless cousin?!!!

Because if you have then... I'm sure you can understand what I mean when I say that, sometimes, the "5 Second rule" can be easily changed into a "Quickly, no one's looking! Pick that steak up and put it back on the grill!" rule when necessary.

_{It was gross alright, but I couldn't let that perfect sandwich go 😭}

I will be honest here though: the thought of giving either myself, friends, family, party guests, or any other unlucky sucker i happen to cook for — germs — always makes me feel a tinsy winsy bit guilty.

But hey, a little dirt never hurt anyone right?

Hmm... What other Guilty pleasure is there?... Oh yeah, there's always that big bosomed lady I keep running into at the grocery store.

So, there's this EXTREMELY attractive lady that I've been running into at the grocery store these past few days. Honestly, I'd like to think that it's the UNIVERSE, trying to bring us together but... I'm pretty sure her weekly run schedule just clashes with my shopping errands so...

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what it is, but there's just something particularly attractive — okay scratch that — INSANELY provocative about the way she passes by the fruits and veggie isle.

So basically, in the store, there's this small section for fruits and veggies just next to the refrigerators where the drinks are kept. And so, everytime she would come to the store to get herself a sports drink from the fridge, she would often stop by the vegetable isle, to see what healthy fruits or veggies she could buy along with. And good lord, she doesn't fail to notice those basket full of eggplants!

I don't know... call me crazy, but there's just something about seeing the way she checks out those eggplants, that inadvertently forces a reaction on my meat.

Ah... i often feel guilty about this though because I'm currently seeing someone now, and it always makes feel like I'm mentally cheating on her something.

But hey, no one ever got hurt from thinking dirty ey? :)

Ah yes! I best not forget about this Guilty pleasure:

You know that thing that happens when you're walking by and someone calls to you like one or two times from afar but you don't hear them intially. However, when you DO finally hear them, the whole situation is already awkward so you just decide to ignore them and pretend like you didn't hear them in the first place. And then, when they come to you and ask:

Hey, I was calling/waving to you back there! Didn't you see me?

You intuitively say no? XD

Well, if you have... then i'm certain you very much understand this guilty pleasure of mine.

Ha!... sometimes I actually do hear when they call out to me intially, but I just choose to ignore them all the same, pretending like I didn't see or hear em at all simply because I just wasn't in the mood.

_{Wait a minute? That's just ghosting isn't it? LoL...}

Anyway, call it what you want, but I often feel guilty for treating people this way. Intentionally or non-intentionally, it always makes me feel like i'm some type of mean snub.

But hey, no one ever got hurt from snubbing people ey?