HEF’S BUNNIES
A Play in One Act
by
Troy Camplin
Cast of Characters
Ranger Rick: A park ranger.
Ranger Peter: A park ranger.
Karl: An animal rights activist.
Kitty: An animal rights activist.
Adolph: An animal rights activist.
Activist(s): Various animal rights activists.
Dick Jockman: A news anchor.
Crewman: A news crewman.
Al: An environmentalist.
Bobby Junior (B.J.): An environmentalist.
Eunice: An environmentalist and wife of B.J.; she is pregnant.
Environs: Various environmentalists.
Bella: A Playboy Bunny
Diana: A Playboy Bunny
Gretchen: A Playboy Bunny
Muffie: A Playboy Bunny
Scene
One of the Florida Keys, where the Hefner Rabbits live.
Time
The modern day.
1
ACT I
Scene 1
SCENE A sandy island – one of the Florida Keys, where the Hefner Rabbits live.
AT RISE: RANGER RICK and RANGER PETER appear, carrying cat traps.
RANGER RICK
So tell me why we’re out here catching cats
On this small island.
RANGER PETER
No one told you why?
We’re here to save Hef’s bunnies. All these cats
Out here are eating this endangered species
Of rabbit. Hefner was the one who funded
The research leading to us finding them.
RANGER RICK
I never thought I’d be out catching pussies
For Playboy when I took the job.
RANGER PETER
These cats
Are cunning so we have to take care setting
The traps. I’ll put mine here, you put yours there
Behind that bush. We need to spread them out.
Don’t thrust it in like that – you’ll set it off.
RANGER RICK
I’ll try to be more gentle. This a good
Position?
RANGER PETER
Make it so they can get in.
You have to make an easy entrance, Rick.
RANGER RICK
I’ll try to hold it stable with this stick.
2
What will we do with all of these trapped cats?
RANGER PETER
Humane Society will take them then.
Who cares? They’re only feral cats, you know.
(Enter ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS, led by KARL, KITTY, and ADOLPH.)
KARL
It’s we who care! Unhand those traps.
RANGER RICK
Unhand?
This is no comedy by Shakespeare. Who
Are you to tell us what to do? We know
Our jobs.
KITTY
I’ll tell you who we are, young man:
American’s Need Animals League. That
Is who we are.
RANGER RICK
You’re ANAL?
KITTY
Certainly.
I’m proudly ANAL.
ACTIVISTS
As are all of us!
ADOLPH
And I will only date an ANAL girl.
RANGER PETER
How very principled. Now tell us, please
What does this have to do with us? We’re here
Protecting animals.
KARL
And yet we see
You trapping cats. That’s what we came to stop.
3
RANGER PETER
How did they even learn that we were here?
RANGER RICK
They’re eating all the rabbits up. They have
To go if we’re to save the Hefner Rabbit.
KITTY
The cats who live here have a right to live
Wherever they may choose. We humans have
No right to tell a cat or dog where it
Should live. They should be free to choose their home.
RANGER PETER
I reckon next they all should get the right
To vote.
RANGER RICK
And then we’ll let them marry.
KITTY
Yes!
It’s good to see you understand exactly
What we are fighting for.
(RANGER RICK turns to RANGER PETER.)
RANGER RICK
Do you suppose
That she is really all that dumb or is
She only blind?
RANGER PETER
I’ll flip a coin. Hey, wait!
That’s federal property. You put that down!
(RANGER PETER runs over to where an animal rights ACTIVIST is picking up a trap. RANGER PETER grabs one end of the trap while the ACTIVIST holds on to the other end. They tug back and forth with it.)
ACTIVIST
I will not ever put it down. I will
4
Not do as you two say. I will not now
Or any day.
RANGER PETER
Put down this trap or I’ll
Arrest you. Put it down or else I will . . .
(RANGER PETER lets go of the trap and the ACTIVIST falls back and over the hill – off stage left. We hear the ACTIVIST yelling as he falls. Everyone looks over to where he disappeared.)
ACTIVIST
Oh, ah, ee, ooh, oh, ah, ee, ooh, unh, ow.
RANGER PETER
Now no one else had better touch a trap.
KARL
Or what? Or else you’ll throw us down the hill?
RANGER RICK
Now, no one threw . . .
KITTY
Oh, help us! Help us! Murder!
These rangers want to kill us all. The cats
Were just the first. You see, when people do
Not value animals, they also do
Not value human life. You’re murderers
You awful, awful brutes!
(The ACTIVIST who fell down the hill speaks from off stage left.)
ACTIVIST
I’m quite all right.
It’s only sand.
(Another animal rights ACTIVIST grabs a trap.)
RANGER PETER
I said to put those down.
5
RANGER RICK
You ANALs are a real pain in the ass.
Why don’t you let us get to work? We do
Not want to hurt a single kitty.
KITTY
Threats!
He threatened me! You know he did. D’you hear?
ADOLPH
Oh Kitty! Yes, I did. I will protect
You from these hateful brutes, these . . . human beings!
(RANGER PETER looks at RANGER RICK.)
RANGER PETER
Do you suppose they know they’re human beings
Too?
(RANGER RICK just shakes his head.)
KARL
Animals are good and just and stay
Within the limits of the natures they
Were born with. Humans push and push and try
To go beyond the limits nature set.
It’s hubris that we fight against, the kind
That puts us up above the animals
As gods and rulers over them. We act
As though we ought to do with them whatever
We want to do with them, like they’re our slaves.
KITTY
The animals are in the same slave ship
As blacks were in the South – if blacks could be
Released and freed, then animals should be
Released from all the shackles we have made
For them in field or house, as food or pets.
RANGER PETER
These animals are slaves? They’re cats, you know.
The plan is once we catch them all that they
Will get a brand new home where they can live.
6
KITTY
We won’t let them become some person’s slave.
RANGER PETER
They’re cats. No cat has been enslaved to date.
(Another Animal Rights ACTIVIST grabs a trap.)
RANGER RICK
If one more person grabs a trap we will
Be forced to call the cops on you. Now stop.
ADOLPH
My fellow human animals let’s not
Collect the traps. To do our job we must
Remain, but first let us retreat and I
Will tell you what we’ll do to stop these men.
(All the ANALs leave the stage. The two RANGERS stand around in silence for a few seconds, surprised they are alone.)
RANGER RICK
Do you suppose they’re really gone? Or will
They come right back just like they said they would?
RANGER PETER
Who cares right now? Let’s try to put the traps
In place again so we can finish up.
We’ll take care of those ANAL assholes later.
(RANGER RICK and RANGER PETER set out more traps in silence. They should continue in silence until the audience begins to laugh nervously. Then RANGER RICK looks up, confused.)
RANGER RICK
There’s something wrong.
RANGER PETER
There’s something wrong? Like what?
RANGER RICK
It’s quiet. Far too quiet. Don’t you think?
7
What happened to the animal rights group?
RANGER PETER
I do not know and do not care.
RANGER RICK
They said
They’d be right back. That doesn’t worry you.
(RANGER PETER stops and thinks a few seconds.)
RANGER PETER
You’d better go and see what’s happening.
(RANGER RICK walks offstage in the direction the Animal Rights ACTIVISTS took, but returns immediately, dumbfounded. He gestures confusedly.)
Well, that was quick. What did you see?
RANGER RICK
It seems
They brought along some cat suits, thinking they
Would protest wearing them. But now, it seems,
They got a bit distracted.
RANGER PETER
How is that?
RANGER RICK
I think that when they put the cat suits on
They got turned on and now they’re fucking in
The cat suits over there, behind the dune.
RANGER PETER
Now that’s a sight I do not wish to see.
RANGER RICK
They can’t quite bring themselves to fuck a cat
And so they fuck as furries. Catty people.
RANGER PETER
If cats had any clue, they’d thank their god –
Or run off screaming from the island now.
8
RANGER RICK
With cats, they’d thank themselves. Just like the ANALs,
They think that none’s above their lofty minds.
You can’t believe in God if you believe
That none could be as great as you are now.
RANGER PETER
It sounds to me as though the animal
Rights group is right that they are both the same
If cats are thinking as you say they are.
RANGER RICK
They think they’re gods, but everyone’s the same.
RANGER PETER
And go about without a bit of shame.
(The Animal Rights ACTIVISTS reappear onstage, wearing cat suits, some men and women wiping their mouths with their enpawed hands.)
RANGER PETER
Oh here I see the pussies come.
RANGER RICK
Again?
RANGER PETER
And prodded by the same old pricks.
RANGER RICK
Again?
ACTIVISTS
That’s right, we all have come again! And we
Have brought the T.V. news. The cameras will
Be coming soon to show the world what we
Are doing on this island. Everything
Will be exposed.
RANGER RICK
Oh really? Can they show
It on the news?
9
ACTIVISTS
And if the news is not
Enough we’ll bring on Peter Singer, he
Who champions the animals, and he’ll
Bring PETA to the cause.
RANGER PETER
I thought that peters
Were brought to bear already on these pussies.
RANGER RICK
They seem obsessed with Peters. Guess you’re not
Enough for them. They want more Peters present.
KITTY
Barbarians! You cannot hear. It’s PETA.
RANGER PETER
It’s pita? Like the pocket bread? I see.
RANGER RICK
They like to stuff themselves like pita bread,
And each one’s filled with white ziziki sauce.
ACTIVISTS
The T.V. cameras will be brought to bear,
And then we’ll see how much you really care.
RANGER RICK
I can’t believe that we’re harassed by these:
A group of peter-singers dressed as pussies.
(A group of T.V. NEWS PEOPLE arrive with cameras. They are led by DICK JOCKMAN. When they arrive, the Animal Rights ACTIVISTS group together and gesture about, clearly planning their media strategy.)
DICK
Let’s set the cameras up right over here.
I don’t want to obscure a camera’s shot.
RANGER PETER
Excuse me, but you cannot set them up
10
Right there. That is protected habitat.
DICK
Protected habitat? For what? What’s here?
RANGER PETER
You don’t know why you’re here?
DICK
I cultivate
My ignorance with care so there’s no danger
That I will bias my report. I do
Not know a thing and I am proud of it.
RANGER RICK
And yet I know you went to school . . .
DICK
Of course.
A football scholarship to major in
Communications. I avoided sports
Reporting for the reason that I knew
Too much about the area to do
The kind of job that I’d been taught to do.
RANGER RICK
A regular Lou Dobbs of reporting
On the environment, I see. How splendid.
RANGER PETER
But still, you cannot set that there. The rabbits
Have got to have a place to eat and you
Are trampling on their food. Now move it all.
DICK
For rabbits? All of this for rabbits? What
About the cats? I heard that there were cats.
(The Animal Rights ACTIVISTS join the RANGERS and the NEWS PEOPLE.)
RANGER RICK
So let me summarize the plot so far:
We’re here to save Hef’s bunnies. All these cats
11
Out here are eating this endangered species
Of rabbit. Hefner was the one who funded
The research leading to us finding them.
We set these traps to catch the cats to get
Them off the island. All these feral cats
Just seem to do is breed like rabbits here.
And then these people in the cat suits came –
They’re the Americans Need Animals
League, ANAL, and they’re here to keep the cats
Untrapped and let the rabbits go extinct.
ADOLPH
We are not here to let the rabbits go
Extinct. Just leave the cats alone. Just leave
The cats alone and we will all go home.
RANGER PETER
You idiots! The rabbits are in danger
Because the cats are here. We leave them and
The rabbits go extinct.
(DICK looks at the closest CAMERAMAN.)
DICK
You getting this?
RANGER PETER
And move the fucking cameras off the dune!
DICK
Let’s move the cameras, boys. Another place
Will work as well.
KITTY
Oh no! The rangers have
The newsmen doing what they say. We are
The ones who brought them here. They’re here to make
Our case.
KARL
Don’t worry Kitty, they are here
And now that they are here they’ll make our case
By showing us out here for all the world
To see.
12
RANGER RICK
Oh, I agree. Yes, I agree.
Let every person out there see what you
Are all about. Let . . . hey, man, what’s your name?
DICK
I’m Dick Jockman of Channel Four.
RANGER RICK
Let Dick
Hear all the nonsense straight and clear from off
You pussies’ lips to show how fucked you are.
KITTY
Our views are mainstream views, you know. The people
Support protecting animals.
CREWMAN
We’re all
Set up and ready.
DICK
Good. Let’s get this shot.
Good evening. This is Dick Jockman reporting.
The fur is flying on the Florida keys.
An animal rights activist group known
As the Americans Need Animals
League came today to protest capturing
The feral cats who live out on the island.
The rangers working here are saying that
It’s something that they simply have to do.
(DICK turns to RANGER RICK and holds the microphone to his mouth.)
RANGER RICK
We only want to do our jobs out here.
We’re here to save Hef’s rabbits. All these cats
Out here are eating this endangered species
Of rabbit. They are called Hef’s rabbits after
Hugh Hefner – he’s the one who funded all
The research leading us to find them here.
We set these traps to catch the cats to get
Them off the island. All these feral cats
13
Just seem to do is breed like crazy here.
And then these people wearing cat suits came –
To try to keep the cats untrapped; I guess
Because they want to see the rabbits go
Extinct.
(ADOLPH pushes RANGER RICK away. RANGER PETER holds RANGER RICK back from physically responding.)
ADOLPH
Just leave the cats alone. We do
Not want to see the rabbits go extinct.
We only want these corporate shills to leave
The cats alone.
RANGER RICK
We’re corporate shills? I thought
We worked for government – they sign my checks.
DICK
So tell me: why the cat suits?
ADOLPH
We are wearing
The cat suits so that we can make it clear
That we are one with all these cats’ dark plight,
Ongoing struggle, and their fight for freedom.
KITTY
We will not let these awful men turn these
Poor cats into the slaves of men. All cats,
All dogs, all animals must be set free
To live their lives however they may please.
DICK
And you consider these, your views, to be
Mainstream? With all the people who own pets?
KARL
It’s not that many people do not need
To be enlightened on the finer details.
The point is that the people deeply side
With us in wanting cats like these protected.
14
RANGER RICK
And what about the rabbits here? We’re out
Here doing this because the rabbits need
Protection from the feral cats. The cats
Are eating all the rabbits to extinction.
KITTY
It’s lies! It’s lies! He’s telling lies.
DICK
Then tell
Me what you think’s the truth.
KITTY
Our truth is that
The cats would never kill the rabbits off.
The cats and rabbits live in harmony
Together on the island and it’s people
Like these, these agents of the government,
Who want to go disturb the harmony.
RANGER PETER
Okay. Now look. I’ve had enough of this.
If everyone but Rick and I don’t get
Off of this island soon . . .
KITTY
You’ll what? You’ll try
To kill us all again?
DICK
Excuse me? What
Was that again?
RANGER RICK
Oh, earlier a man
Fell down a dune without a single scratch.
ADOLPH
I tell you, he was pushed.
RANGER PETER
He wasn’t pushed.
I’m calling the police if you don’t leave.
15
(At that moment the ENVIRONMENTALISTS march onstage. The leader, AL, is clearly in his late fifties to early sixties.)
ENVIRONS
The rabbits must be saved! The rabbits must
Be saved! The rabbits must be saved! Today!
AL
The rabbits must be saved! We’re here to help.
DICK
It seems we’ve just been joined by people who
Support the rangers’ job. Good afternoon.
I’m Dick Jockman of Channel Four News. Who
Are you and what has brought you here?
AL
The name
Is Al and this is Bobby Junior – but
We call him B.J. Eunice here’s his wife.
And all the rest, these people who we lead?
The Pure Environment for National
And International Security
Environmental group.
RANGER RICK
The PENIS group?
RANGER PETER
Well, PENIS, this is ANAL. I would think
You’d get along.
AL
Well, not today. We’re here
Because the rabbits must be saved. We humans
Have done enough to harm these rabbits’ home.
We have to make things right and bring things back
To how they were before man came out here
To ruin everything.
DICK
So tell us more
About your group. I know the people viewing
16
The news tonight would like to learn about
You. Tell us all about you, what you do.
AL
Well, I’m the one responsible for much
That you enjoy, for I invented such
Things as the internet, the cell phone, and
The iPod. If it weren’t for me, you would
Not have the iPhone, either. Thanks to me . . .
DICK
Do you expect us to believe that you
Invented all those things? I don’t believe . . .
AL
Invented? No, I never said a thing
Like that. I’m on the Apple board, you see . . .
DICK
I really asked about your group, not you.
AL
The Pure Environment for National
And International Security
Environmental group was formed to fight
To save the planet earth from humans. Plague
And cancer’s what we are. That’s why we do
Not eat our fellow animals and why
Both B.J. here and I and every man
Who joins the group all have vasectomies.
(RANGER PETER looks at RANGER RICK.)
RANGER PETER
Is Eunice pregnant or just fat? I can
Not tell.
RANGER RICK
A bit of both it seems to me.
DICK
How long have you been in the group?
17
AL
I started
The group two years ago with B.J. and
His wife. We didn’t think the other groups
Went far enough to save the earth from us.
ADOLPH
Now hold on just a minute here. We brought
The news out here to cover us. And now
You wannabes are taking them from us.
AL
How dare you call us wannabes!
ADOLPH
Well tell
Me if you still drink milk, eat cheese, or even
Eat eggs?
AL
We’re vegetarians, not vegans.
ADOLPH
You’re fakers, wannabes, if you’re not vegans.
AL
Until the human race is gone the fact
Is that the domination of goats, cows,
And chickens will continue – but we do
Not have to kill them, too.
ADOLPH
I have to say
That your position makes no sense.
KITTY
That’s why
That woman over there is fat, a vegan . . .
EUNICE
Don’t call me fat you skinny bitch. You look
Like death will come to get you soon. No man
Would find a bitch like you attractive – well,
Unless he’s into little boys or girls.
18
ADOLPH
I never touched them. There’s no proof I did.
(KITTY puts her arm around ADOLPH to comfort him.)
KITTY
There’s no one here accusing you, my dear.
RANGER RICK
It sounds like there should be someone to me.
RANGER PETER
Can you believe the help that we’ve received?
(RANGER RICK strains his neck to look far off.)
RANGER RICK
Are those the Hummers that these people came
In? See them over there?
RANGER PETER
The animal
Rights activists were giving hummers while
All these environmentalists were coming
In Hummers of their own. Does that make sense?
AL
We have to get around, and there’s a lot
Of us, and this was off the road.
(RANGER RICK walks over to see where the Hummers are parked.)
RANGER RICK
Oh for
The love of God! You idiots drove over
The rabbits’ breeding areas. We’ll have
To fix them now and plant the plants that you
Tore up. Just look at all the tracks. Oh God!
AL
Well, how were we supposed to know that’s where
The rabbits choose to breed?
19
RANGER RICK
You say that you
Are here for the environment, but you
Don’t know a single thing about what you
Are trying to protect. I see around
Me hypocrites, just actors who pretend
To care but drive in Hummers, fly in planes
You chartered for yourselves, and live in houses
Ten times the size of anyone’s, with air
Conditioning on all the time so cold
You see your breath. But then you turn around
And tell the middle class and poor that they
Must sacrifice their cars and turn the air
Conditioning to warm, while driving out
Their jobs. And then you come out here and kill
The very thing you claim to want to save.
You saw the cameras here and drove, without
A single other care, to make sure that
The cameras would be here for you to show
How much that you all care. It’s all a lie –
I don’t know why a single person listens
To anything you have to say. You must
See something in it for you. Hypocrites.
You say that you men had vasectomies,
But Al is clearly sixty and that girl,
The wife of B.J. there, is clearly pregnant.
(B.J. looks at EUNICE with surprise. All the members of each group look offended, and DICK shakes his head.)
DICK
There’s no way we can use all that. I think
He went on far too long. From now on is
It possible for everyone to speak
In soundbites only? That would be the best.
AL
How dare you call us hypocrites!
KARL
I know
You, Al. Your three kids all have kids themselves.
20
DICK
We have to keep the viewers watching us.
B. J.
Is what he said about you true, my dear?
DICK
Americans won’t listen to long speeches.
EUNICE
I wondered when you’d notice that my belly
Was growing. Did you really think that I
Was getting fat? It’s Adolph’s, by the way.
RANGER RICK
Is it just me or do these two groups seem
To know each other?
RANGER PETER
You’re really quick, Rick.
KITTY
You lying bitch! I can’t believe that you’d
Accuse my Adolph – he would never mount
A massive mount like you.
EUNICE
He likes to fuck
A woman too sometimes, and not just you,
His way to be both straight and gay.
(Everyone steps back and away from KITTY and EUNICE, not wanting to get involved. This leaves KITTY and EUNICE alone in the middle of the stage. B. J. and ADOLPH stand halfway between their respective women and the crowd.
B.J.
I can’t
Believe you got my wife knocked up. I’ll kill
You both, you traitors to the earth. Sweet Gaia
Will punish both of you for this.
(EUNICE turns around to face B.J.)
21
EUNICE
And that
Is why I slept with him – you love the earth,
Your mother earth, far more than you love me.
ADOLPH
You’re like an Oedipus to Gaia, Bob.
(KITTY turns around to face ADOLPH.)
KITTY
You knocked her up? You really did? I can’t
Believe that you would fuck a hill like that.
(EUNICE snaps around to face KITTY.)
EUNICE
You swizzle stick.
(KITTY snaps around to face EUNICE.)
KITTY
Fat tub of lard.
EUNICE
Why would
A skeleton turn on a man? He’d have
To be a necrophiliac to want
To lie on top of you.
KITTY
How would he know
Which fold on you was where his dick should go?
EUNICE
Are you mistaken for a dildo with
That shape of yours?
KITTY
Or were you rolled in flour?
EUNICE
Now look, you dream of pedophiles, bag
Of bones who looks like some old eunuch dressed
22
In drag . . .
KITTY
You walrus, hippo, manatee.
(AL steps out and gets between the women.)
AL
Is this what we came out here for? Let’s not
Forget the reason why we came out here.
(DICK steps forward behind AL, very close beside EUNICE.)
DICK
I didn’t come to film a fight – at least,
Not cat fights anyway.
EUNICE
You wouldn’t see
A fight – I’d break that skinny bitch in two.
(EUNICE turns to walk away, but runs into DICK. She loses her balance, and falls on top of KITTY.)
KITTY
Get off of me you monstrous cow. I think
You broke my arm.
EUNICE
Now how could I have broke
Your arm?
KITTY
You broke my arm you elephant.
I have a case of osteoporosis.
EUNICE
You’re only twenty-six.
KITTY
Get off of me.
23
(EUNICE rolls off of KITTY to get onto her hands and knees to get up, taking care with her baby.)
KITTY
Ow! Ouch! You idiot, you broke my hip.
EUNICE
Just getting off of you? No wonder Adolph
Decided to come sleep with me – he was
Afraid of killing you if he got up
On top of you.
KITTY
Would someone help me up?
(ADOLPH comes over to KITTY.)
Not you, you jackass, fucking such a horse.
(KARL walks over to KITTY and gently picks her up.)
KARL
I’ll take you to the van and call for help.
An ambulance will be here soon. I’ll take
Good care of you.
EUNICE
I guess he must be turned
On by young children if he’s into her.
(B.J. grabs EUNICE by the shoulder and turns her toward him.)
B.J.
I can’t believe he got you pregnant. Why
Would you allow yourself to get knocked up?
RANGER PETER
It seems he’s more concerned that she’s knocked up
Than with the fact that someone else had gotten
Her pregnant.
RANGER RICK
Wrong priorities. These people
Have all the wrong priorities. Just look
24
At what has happened to the island here
Today.
(AL starts waving his hands above his head in frustration.)
AL
Will anyone please pay attention
To me? I came out all this way to say
That we are here to help protect the rabbits.
The rangers are just here to help. We have
To save the rabbits from the cats and that’s
Why ANAL must be stopped.
DICK
So PENIS came
To stop the ANALs?
AL
Dick, that’s why B.J.
And I have come out here today – to stop
The ANAL group – and PENIS clearly is
The only one positioned to stop them.
B.J.
I think it’s clear to everyone by now
That ANAL, leadership and all, the leaders
Especially, it seems, are traitors to
The earth and should be treated like they’re traitors.
ENVIRONS
They’re traitors, traitors, every one! We’ll kick
Them out, yes every one!
AL
You know, I wish
That every PENIS had a B.J. It
Would make each PENIS spring to life and spread
Its seed across the face of mother earth.
DICK
Is that the goal?
25
AL
By penetrating all
The world through every government, we hope
To soon infect the world with our ideas.
Perhaps one day I’ll win an Oscar or
A Nobel Prize for what I’ve done today.
RANGER RICK
A Nobel Prize? He’s quite delusional.
RANGER PETER
They’ve given it to idiots who never
Did anything for peace, like Jimmy Carter
And Yasir Arafat, so why not give
One out to idiots like him?
AL
Oh, yes!
A Nobel Prize. And then the world will see
That everything that I believe is true.
DICK
Why do you think that humans are so bad
We have to get vasectomies?
AL
Because
Of the consensus of the eminent
Who said we must if we will save the earth.
If there is a consensus, we know we
Have truth on our side.
DICK
A consensus made
Of whom?
AL
Of all these people that I brought.
RANGER RICK
But this is a consensus only of
The people who agree with you. If they
Already think that it is true, it’s self-
Fulfilling. Further, truth is hardly up
26
For a vote.
AL
Of course it is. We’re democratic,
You know. We vote on what is true, which makes
It so.
RANGER RICK
Of course, for truthfulness will only make
You less than popular. I guess we all
Should just agree.
AL
Now that’s the spirit! Good!
RANGER PETER
He’s never heard of irony.
RANGER RICK
You know
That Einstein, Galileo, Darwin, and
Copernicus were all found to be right
Despite the world’s consensus, right?
AL
That may
Be true, but we all feel we should be right,
And that’s what matters most to us right now.
ADOLPH
Now wait a minute, Dick, it’s we who called
To get you out to hear our case, and now
You’re talking to our rival group. What gives?
DICK
The news will follow anywhere the story
Will lead us. PENIS is the story now,
As much as ANAL was. Now don’t butt in,
We’ll get to you again as soon as we
Have finished hearing what Al has to say.
AL
I didn’t mean to gore your ox.
27
ADOLPH
Like hell
You didn’t. That is why you’re here, you jerk.
AL
You’re right. Without you here, these men could do
Their jobs and we’d not have to be out here.
RANGER RICK
Destroying what you came to save. I wish
You dicks and assholes would go home and let
Us simply do our jobs. We’re only here
To pull some weeds. That’s all we’re here to do.
ADOLPH
Well, we’re not leaving ‘til you stop this crime
And leave the cats in peace.
ACTIVISTS
You leave the cats
Alone! You leave the cats alone! You leave
The cats alone! You leave the cats alone!
You leave the cats alone!
AL
And we’re not leaving
Until the ANAL group is gone so you
Can do your jobs in peace and bring this land
Back to the state that it once was before
The cats we wrongly brought endangered all
The rabbits here. We want you here to bring
The island back into its pristine state.
EUNICE
The ANAL group must go.
B.J.
If Adolph were
As ANAL as he says he is, then you
Would not be pregnant by him now.
EUNICE
Would you
Get over it already? What is done
28
Is done. You never noticed I was pregnant
Until that ranger told us all, so it
Should be a piece of cake for you to do
The same when she is born.
ADOLPH
The baby is
A girl?
B.J.
Why should you care? She isn’t yours.
ADOLPH
She is.
B.J.
You won’t be raising her. She’s mine.
AL
We’re getting off of message here. The cats
And rabbits are the only things that we
Are here to talk about.
ADOLPH
They are not things.
The animals are people too. You just
Don’t get it, do you? They’re our equals too.
B.J.
You fucked a man who dresses like a cat?
EUNICE
At least he isn’t shooting blanks.
B.J.
His chamber
Was clearly loaded from the looks of things.
RANGER RICK
I’d say is aim was straight and true.
RANGER PETER
He hit
The mark without a doubt, for we can view
29
The evidence – it’s there for all to see.
DICK
There’s something I’ve been wondering. You call
Yourselves the Pure Environmental Group
For National and International
Security. And what I want to know . . .
AL
The Pure Environment for National
And International Security.
DICK
I’m sorry. Why Security?
AL
Well, we
Are trying to secure the world from us,
From human influence. Because, you see,
The human species is a plague, corrupt,
A virus and a cancer spreading on
The earth. We have to recognize this fact.
RANGER RICK
You know, I’ve had enough of this. We have
To get these people out of here. The rabbits
Won’t have a home if we can’t do our jobs
And clean up all the mess they’ve made out here.
RANGER PETER
We need a miracle to rid ourselves
Of all these idiots who joined us here.
(At that moment, there’s the sound of a plane. Everyone looks up.)
EUNICE
Who’s parachuting from the sky? Do I
See what I think I see? I can’t believe . . .
(Three women, BELLA, DIANA, and GRETCHEN, naked except for the machine guns they carry, come running onstage.)
30
BELLA
Enough of all of this! We will not let
A single hair of Hefner’s rabbits come
To harm. You all must go to let these men
Get back to work to save these bunnies’ lives.
DICK
And who are you?
DIANA
We’re Hefner’s Playboy Bunnies.
GRETCHEN
He sent us to protect the rabbits here
From all these selfish idiots who came
To use the situation here to make
Themselves a name so they can get themselves
Some demagogic power. Shame on you!
(The Animal Rights ACTIVIST and ENVIRONMENTALISTS start singing.)
BOTH GROUPS
(to the tune of the hymn Pentacostal Power)
Oh, send the old-time power, the demagogic power!
The floodgates of power, on us throw open wide!
Oh, send the old-time power, the demagogic power!
That the naïve be converted and our leaders glorified!
(A fourth Playboy Bunny, MUFFIE, leads several more BUNNIES onstage. All are nude except for the machine guns they are carrying
MUFFIE
I brought the rest. I’m sorry we are late.
GRETCHEN
You’re right on time.
DICK
I don’t know how we’ll show
All this. But let me get the interview.
So tell me, ladies, all your names. The public
Will want to know.
31
BELLA
Just call me Bella.
DIANA
I’m
Diana.
RANGER PETER
Guess that means we will not have
To hunt around to find a moon tonight.
RANGER RICK
Yep. Bull’s-eye.
GRETCHEN
Gretchen is my name.
MUFFIE
And I
Am Muffie Cockswallow.
DICK
You’re kidding me.
MUFFIE
Now why would I be kidding you? It’s far,
Far better than the name my parents gave
To me. I changed it.
DICK
Tell me why you changed
Your name, and what you changed it from.
MUFFIE
You see,
I used to have the worst name in the world.
DICK
What was your name before? How bad was it?
MUFFIE
Malverna Cockswallow.
32
DICK
You must be kidding.
I don’t blame you at all for changing it.
MUFFIE
I think that Muffie Cockswallow’s a much,
Much better name. Now wouldn’t you agree?
RANGER PETER
A better name for Penthouse than for Playboy.
RANGER RICK
Well, do you?
MUFFIE
Do I what?
RANGER RICK
Um, live up to
Your name?
MUFFIE
You men! Your minds are always in
The gutter. Focus on the fact that we
Are here to help you out in any way
We can – although it’s true, in fact I do.
ADOLPH
Now hold on here, we won’t be run away
From here by you or anybody else.
(The PLAYBOY BUNNIES surround ADOLPH, pointing their guns at him.)
BELLA
I think it’s time for you to leave.
ADOLPH
Do you
Expect that I’ll believe you’ll shoot me on
T.V.? I don’t think so. And I would bet
You’re probably just shooting blanks.
33
RANGER RICK
Well, that
Would make them more like B.J. over there.
EUNICE
You know, I’m getting very hungry now.
KITTY
(offstage)
No wonder you’re as hefty as a cow!
B.J.
No wonder since you have to eat for two.
DIANA
Would someone get this pregnant woman out
Of here? She looks like she could give birth soon.
I’d rather not birth any babies here.
RANGER RICK
And here I thought that was her specialty.
BELLA
Enough of all this chaos. We are here
To bring some order to this insane place.
Now someone tell us everything so far
That’s happened here before we all arrived.
(As RANGER RICK’s speech progresses, GRETCHEN and MUFFIE begin flirting with each other. By the end of the speech, they are making out. Everyone but the BUNNIES are visibly bored and impatient with the reiteration.)
RANGER RICK
We came out here to do our jobs to try
To save Hef’s rabbits from these cats. The cats
Out here are eating this endangered species
Of rabbit which, you know, are named
Hef’s Rabbits.We set these traps to catch the cats to get
Them off the island. All these feral cats
Just seem to do is breed like mad out here.
And then these people wearing cat suits came –
Americans Need Animals League, ANAL –
34
To try to keep the cats untrapped for reasons
Which only seem to make some sense to them.
Then Dick and his whole T.V. crew showed up.
The Pure Environment for National
And International Security
Environmental group, or PENIS, then
Came out to protest ANAL’s presence here.
And then you came out here yourselves, and now
The stage is full. The only cats we’ve seen
So far today are them, the ANALs in
The cat suits, and the only bunnies seen
So far have dropped out of the sky – that’s you.
(When RANGER RICK finishes, EUNICE, who has been staring at GRETCHEN and MUFFIE the whole time, bursts out in anger.)
EUNICE
I can’t believe the two of you. You two
Have managed to turn this into some sick
Male fantasy. What’s going on? We have
A bunch of naked women prancing all
About and now you two are making out.
(GRETCHEN and MUFFIE grab their guns and point them at EUNICE, who runs away screaming and hides behind ADOLPH. They first look satisfied, then GRETCHEN strokes her chin thoughtfully.)
GRETCHEN
You know, I think she has a point. What are
We doing here?
MUFFIE
Well, I am doing what
I like.
GRETCHEN
You’re right. I am a lesbian.
MUFFIE
Me too.
35
GRETCHEN
So I don’t see why we should fail
To be who we are just because what we
Would like to do is some male fantasy.
RANGER PETER
Hear, hear!
RANGER RICK
You lesbians should stand up for
Your rights. Continue what you two were doing.
GRETCHEN
Why should I care what men may think about –
Of if they even think at all?
MUFFIE
I do
Not know or even care. I never think
Of things like that. I never, ever do.
GRETCHEN
Now wait, you said you lived up to your name.
MUFFIE
Well, yeah, I do. My name is Muffie. Duh!
GRETCHEN
You sure are pretty, Muffie.
MUFFIE
Thank you! You
Are too.
(GRETCHEN and MUFFIE smile at each other, grab each other by the hand, and walk off stage together holding hands.)
BELLA
Okay, enough. Enough of this.
Be gone. Be gone, the lot of you. The rangers
Should be the only ones to even be
Here. Everybody else should go away.
36
DICK
The public has a right to know. So long
As there’s a story here, we shall not go
Away.
ADOLPH
We came to make sure that these cats
Would not be harmed. And even if we leave
Today, we will invade this island once
Again. We must not let this holocaust
Continue on this island.
AL
I have come
To stop Adolph and every ANAL here.
B.J.
I’d say that Adolph’s done enough. The earth . . .
(AL angrily turns on B.J.)
AL
Okay, B.J., I’ve had enough! You’re such
A wimp and whiny bitch! The earth, the earth!
Well, fuck the earth! You have a wife who fucked
Each PENIS after our vasectomies –
Yes, every man, and all day long. It’s not
Just he who got her pregnant. What a wimp!
B.J.
Did you say fuck the earth?
AL
I didn’t mean . . .
(B.J rushes AL and they tumble to the ground, and wrestle and fight there for a while. While they fight, ADOLPH approaches EUNICE. Others gather around the fighting pair. There’s a futile struggle to separate them.)
ADOLPH
The test has proven I’m the father, then?
37
EUNICE
The truth is that you are – at least, of one
Of them.
ADOLPH
Of one of them? What do you mean?
EUNICE
I’m pregnant with a set of triplets. One
Was all I thought B.J. could handle knowing
About today. But it is three; they’re three
By three.
ADOLPH
Three fathers? Is that even . . . ? No.
EUNICE
Apparently fertility pills do
Not mix with orgies well. So you and Karl . . .
ADOLPH
And Karl? Oh, wait ‘til Kitty hears about
What Karl has done. Stay here. I’ll be right back.
(ADOLPH turns and runs off stage toward where KARL took KITTY.)
EUNICE
No, Adolph, wait! He doesn’t know about . . .
Oh, hell, I guess it doesn’t really matter.
(AL and B.J. get tired of fighting and roll off of each other, breathing hard. KITTY yells from offstage.)
KITTY
Oh for the love of God, you horny dicks!
BELLA
I think it’s time that you all left this place.
(ADOLPH runs back onstage with KARL in tow.)
38
ADOLPH
Oh, Eunice! Eunice! We have come to say
That we are thrilled to be the fathers of
Your children. We both want to marry you.
RANGER RICK
Oh well, you know these things do tend to end
In marriages.
RANGER PETER
And that they go from bad
To good. From chaos into blessed order.
B.J.
You cannot marry her. She is my wife,
You know. And . . . hold it, what was that you said?
ADOLPH
It seems that Eunice carries three within
Her womb, and that three fathers fathered them.
KARL
And Adolph’s father one, I’m two, and three . . . ?
(Everyone looks at EUNICE. There are a few seconds of silence.)
EUNICE
Now does it really matter who it is?
EVERYONE
Yes!
EUNICE
Even if the person is not here?
(The following, by the animal rights ACTIVISTS, the ENVIRONMENTALISTS, and the PLAYBOY BUNNIES is said simultaneously.
ACTIVISTS
Well, no. I mean, if he’s not here, then what’s
The point? Well, I don’t care, if he’s not here.
39
ENVIRONS
I mean, if he’s not here, then what’s the point?
Well, I don’t care, if he’s not here. Well, no.
BUNNIES
Well, I don’t care, if he’s not here. Well, no.
I mean, if he’s not here, then what’s the point?
KARL
So tell us, will you marry us? Just leave
B.J. and live with us.
EUNICE
Can I drink milk?
Can I eat cheese? I would not be a vegan.
B.J.
Are you about to leave me then? My love.
ADOLPH
You can drink milk!
KARL
You can eat cheese!
TOGETHER
Our love!
EUNICE
My babies need their fathers. I want them
To have a normal life – the children need
Their fathers. I’m old fashioned that-a-way.
RANGER PETER
And with the other man I guess they’ll have
Some sort of a ménage-a-quatre as
A home.
RANGER RICK
It’s nice to see that family values
Are coming back.
ADOLPH
Then it is settled. You,
40
My dear, will live with us. Now come so we
Can set up house. We have a lot of things
To do. We have to get a bigger place
For everyone – a giant bedroom for
Us four, a giant nursery for these three.
(ADOLPH pats EUNICE on the belly as he puts his arm over her shoulder. KARL puts his arm around her waist and puts his other hand on her belly.)
KARL
The two of us will sell our houses so
That we can buy a brand new home. Oh, what
A happy family we will be!
(EUNICE, ADOLPH, and KARL walk offstage together.)
DIANA
It seems
The ANAL leadership is gone. The rest
Must get your asses out of here. And do
Not make me have to tell you twice. Now go!
(The Animal Rights ACTIVISTS look around, looking lost. From offstage comes KITTY’s voice.)
KITTY
Well, I’m not gone and I say that we stay!
(An ambulance siren sounds from offstage.)
RANGER RICK
Oh, never mind about her, then. It sounds
Like they’re about to wrap up that loose end.
(The Animal Rights ACTIVISTS all shrug and walk offstage.)
RANGER PETER
Well, so long to that ANAL bunch.
RANGER RICK
Yeah, what
41
A great pain in the ass they were. Good riddance.
BELLA
And now it seems to me the story’s gone.
DICK
So long as PENIS still remains, and you
Are here to keep the ANALs out of here,
Then I think that a story’s here. We stay.
DIANA
Then we are left without a choice. We will
Fulfill our duty here. So Bunnies, go
And do whatever you must do to them.
(All the PLAYBOY BUNNIES except BELLA and DIANA drop their guns and walk over to the news crew, including DICK JOCKMAN, and start seducing them. The men follow the women offstage, bringing their equipment with them. One BUNNY collects the guns and follows them.)
BELLA
And now it’s time for PENIS to go home.
AL
Congratulations everyone! It looks
To me like we have won! But now it seems
We shot our wad, so let’s go home. We did
What we set out to do and we should all
Be satisfied.
B.J.
However, everyone
Must know that anywhere an ANAL person
Shows up that PENIS will be there to put
On pressure, slipping in when least expected
To make sure what’s right is done, come what may.
DIANA
Just get the hell away from here. You’ve done
Enough. These rangers have more work to do
Because of you and everyone who came.
The media is gone, and now you must
42
Go too. This island cannot take much more
Of PENIS’ help. When you forget that man-
And womankind are part of nature this
Is what we get: complete destruction of
Our nature – disregard for living things.
We should not see ourselves as plagues, or worse,
As those who should exploit without regard
For life or earth. Between the two are these,
The rangers here, and gardeners like them.
For that is how we all will save the earth:
We garden what we own, removing weeds
And making sure the plants and animals
We have are cared for on our lands. So do
Please go away and let these men go back
To work to weed this garden of these cats.
AL
I said we’re going. Can’t you take a ‘yes’
And ‘we agree’ for answers? Now we’ll go
And let these rangers get to work. That’s all
We really came here for. So let us go.
(Al gestures for everyone to follow him. He leads his ENVIRONMENTALISTS offstage.)
RANGER RICK
I guess his ego wouldn’t let him go
Unless he took full credit for the show.
(RANGER PETER turns to BELLA and DIANA.)
RANGER PETER
I guess it’s just the four of us. So now
What do you plan to do?
BELLA
Well, we were told
To stay with you until the job is done.
DIANA
So now it’s time for you to get to work.
(BELLA and DIANA each walk to the front corners of the stage and stand at guard with machine guns
43
ready. RANGER RICK and RANGER PETER look at each other, shrug, and get back to work.)
RANGER PETER
Now, don’t forget that all these feral cats
Are cunning so we have to take care setting
The traps. I’ll put mine here, you put yours there
Behind that bush. We need to spread them out.
Don’t thrust it in like that – you’ll set it off.
RANGER RICK
I’ll try to be more gentle. This a good
Position?
RANGER PETER
Make it so they can get in.
You have to make an easy entrance, Rick.
RANGER RICK
I’ll try to hold it stable with this stick.
(BLACKOUT)
(CLOSE CURTAINS)
(As applause dies down, RANGER RICK steps out from behind the curtain.)
RANGER RICK
Those ANALs were such silly assholes. Don’t
They know that Hefner’s bunnies only made
Us see more pussies everywhere? Who cares
If there are none here on this island now
That we have done our jobs? I’ll let you argue
Amongst yourselves about if we should see
Them out as often as we see them now –
Such things are hardly my concern today.
Now go – we hope that you enjoyed the play.
Rick turns and disappears behind the curtain.
(BLACKOUT)
(END OF SCENE)
(END OF HEF’S BUNNIES)