I am 30 years old, and it is a miracle that I've made it this far. Starting back from my childhood I was suffering from depression and social anxiety, and I really thought I would commit a suicide or end up spending the rest of my life in some mental institution.
During the worst periods of my existence, I could not do any kind of job, could not have any close relationships, and couldn't even go outside. I was oppressed by an immense fear of my disease and the future which awaited me, ashamed by the memories of the wasted opportunities of the past, and tortured by my low self-esteem.
I can't say I'm fully recovered now, but at least I currently have a job, few friends, enough courage to go outside and talk to people, and some knowledge about how to deal with my condition.
I was able to find professional help through my friends who I met online, and that's the big reason why I value the ability to access the internet as much as other human rights. I would be physically (or at least mentally and socially) dead by now if I couldn't talk about my problems via the last way of communication accessible to me at that time.
In case you're wondering why I didn't tell my family and ask them for help instead, I can say that the lack of trust within my family is among the reasons why I got into that condition. For the sake of anonymity, I will not provide any further details about that.
My recovery consisted of spending few months in a rehabilitation center where I received help from professional psychologists via individual and group therapy. However, that was not enough. My normal way of thinking and living constantly drags me back into insanity, and I'm not optimistical about the question if it can be fixed once and for all.
Other than that, I constantly attend local 12-steps groups which proved to be very effective for treating depression and various anxieties. In my place, there are only Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous groups available, and to be completely honest I barely even touched alcohol, never tried any illegal drugs, and I don't even smoke tobacco. And yet, I visit AA and NA meetings, pretending to be addicted to substances. I simply have no other choice other than lying that I have a more lethal disease, in order to survive.
This may remind you of the fight club, except I'm not cool.
I'm also love-shy, which simply means I'm scared of dating women and having sex. Naturally, I'm a virgin, and currently not even considering having romantic relationships.
That being said, I've actually dated a girl once after she approached me at a party. By dating me she was cheating on her boyfriend who was away from our city for a long time. After a couple of weeks, she told me the truth and asked if we could be friends, and I felt a big relief because I was really afraid we might have had sex. (We only kissed few times.) I didn't like her one bit but was too shy to even say "no." I agreed on staying friends, but it never happened. We've only met a few times after that.
Other than that girl, in my entire life, I've been on a few "friend dates," i.e. spending time with my friends who happened to be females. In all these cases, both sides were 100% sure we're only friends, and nothing should be expected other than watching movies or eating together. This gave me much more confidence in myself than having a "real" girlfriend which I didn't even want to date.
I believe I can find a girlfriend. Some women told me I look okay or even good, and even though I know I'm not considered hot by most of the women, there are at least some that find skinny guys like me attractive enough. That being said, I started doing little workouts recently. Even if my muscles won't grow, I feel better about myself just knowing I am able to do that. While being depressed, I could never force myself to do any kind of activity except for walking back and forth across my room, thinking about how pathetic and miserable I am.
Few happy facts about me:
My plan is to stay anonymous on Steem, I hope you understand why.
It is my pleasure to be here.
