I’ve always felt like my life was mine to run. My decisions and actions give birth to consequences and as long as I make things right, things ought to be okay. My life is mine to control and so are my actions. It’s the only responsibility I was given from birth.
These days it generally doesn’t feel that way. Although my actions are mine, the consequences haven’t been corresponding with my actions. I try to make things right but the process of making things right eludes me.
These past few days have been hopeful for me but also filled with a lot of pain. I’ve been forced to deal with the consequences of someone else’s bad decision. I can’t go into complete details but it’s a lot of physical pain.
The hope of this week is also surrounded by a lack of control. I’ve never had an actual job for a long while so I don’t know how to deal with being placed in a position where I can’t question someone for making certain decisions about my actions. I don’t know how to react.
I make a simple mistake and I get punished without being given enough space to explain myself. I can’t complain or get an actual explanation because I’m not allowed to. It’s so frustrating and I hate how much I need this.
I miss when I could completely depend on Hive. I miss when I didn’t have to hope so much for things that were out of my control. I miss when all I had to do was write and interact with a few people and I could plan my week with the outcome. It’s not like that anymore.
Things were so much better when life just worked that way but it’s not like that anymore and I don’t know when it’ll get like that again. I’ll get back on the job hunting horse soon but this time, I’ll be looking out for something different. Hopefully, I’ll hit some gold.
