One certain thing about life is its uncertainty. As much as I’ve tried in the last few years to predict the outcome of everything I do, the only outcome that has remained constant and predictable is the fact that I’m incapable of forging my outcome.
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For the longest while, I’ve believed that consistent action yields a genuine result in the future but on days like these, I begin to question the possibility of things coming into place for me.
I recently realised that a lot of my friends have a certain impression of me due to the ease at which I render assistance and show up for them. I’ve never been one to complain about my troubles so I guess it makes sense for them to see me in a certain way.
For 3 months now, I’ve been mentally drained with the thought of saving up $30 to get myself new glasses. I also have a list of needs that accumulate to about $100 in total. These are needs that I’ve chosen to not discuss or beg for, I’ve just agreed to handle them one after another.
However, amid these needs, I still give out money. I lend out and gift without a second thought because I know I’ll always find a way to survive but I don’t know how other people survive so I try to be kind.
I also realised that I’d been trying too hard to show up for people who really didn’t need me to show up for them. I had been reaching out to friends who really had no interest in reaching back and desperation has never really been my strong suit.
My partner also made me realise that I’d been doing a little too much and needed to completely focus on myself but I told him that I was incapable of doing that. However, I feel like it’s the best possible thing for me to do right now. Focus on myself. Especially since everyone thinks I’m alright while I’m not.
$HIVE keeps dropping, I’ve sold off all my $LEO that I spent 2 years gathering, $SPS is looking terrible and $GLX I got for $120 is now worth just a little over $30. Feels like everywhere I turn there’s just doom and gloom and nothing seems to be working.
In all these, I try to show up and don’t receive any appreciation for it. I keep up appearances and do my best to be kind and cordial even when my mind feels restless. It’s such a tough facade to keep up with.
Although I still have one last promise to fulfil for a friend, I don’t see myself going out of my way for anyone moving forward, at least until I have my head out of the water. I know it won’t be easy but I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again.
