I don't ask for atonement. I never longed for redemption. I know what I did and when I did it. There's no need for explanations. Explanations are for those who seek to be understood. I have no intention in playing the blame game. I can accept all the blame. You can peg me to the cross. You can judge me all you want. I don't have the luxury of making myself clear.
I am the only person who didn't drink that time. As expected, I am the only sober human being at that particular instance. Your actions are vague. Your movements are blurred. Maybe that's the effect of alcohol intoxication. I really don't care anymore. All I know is that your actions have made you vulnerable. You have given informations bit by bit and I am the only person who can piece the puzzle together.
As I piece every chunk, it all made sense. As I put every information into the timeline, everything becomes clear. Your greatest mistake is that you trusted me. I never trusted anyone, even myself. Another mistake is that you let your emotions rule over your judgments. The moment you told me all those things, you made them become subject to my own discretion. I am not like you. I am not the typical friend who would be at your side all the time.
I am a hard pill to swallow. I won't tell what's convenient for you to hear. I am willing to tell you what's real and practical. Sometimes it will slap you right to where it hurts the most. I have been struck a lot of time, but I am more than willing to take the pain. Pain for me is liberating. It makes me feel that I'm alive. Most of the time, I'm devoid of emotion. I'm hardly happy when we celebrate. Because I know that when we are happy, sadness will surely come.
What I did may be unimaginable to you. What I did was unacceptable. I get that. I know that what happened to us is bound to happen. It's difficult to choose but I have to make a decision. A decision that would shape the way we treat each other in the future. I should tell the one person who can help. That person can pierce to the heart of the one involved.
I am sorry if you have been affected by what I did. Redemption is not my goal for saying that I'm sorry. I am willing to reap the consequences of my actions. In fact, I am now reaping what I sow.
Note: I really don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this. I just found this written in my Google Keep and I felt like I should share this one.
