That blank screen, just sitting there looking at me.
How are you old friend? Did you miss me? It's been a while.
How long HAS it been anyway? Years? We used to be good friends, you and I.
Shit, you were with me at some crazy times. Remember when I got arrested that one time in Santa Clarita? Ally Jo! Remember Ally Jo?
Some wild shit back then.
So how have you been, anyway? Same old same old huh. Yeah, I know. Me too.
I mean not really, I've been all over the place. Up to some crazy shit as usual. Sorry I haven't kept in touch. Just busy I guess.
Actually that's not true. I mean I have been busy, but that's not the reason I haven't been returning your calls. I feel like such an asshole about it too. After all you've done for me, you deserve better than this.
I know you want an explanation. You deserve one at least, even if you don't want it. And I need to get it off my chest.
Fuck. Can you tell I'm stalling? The more things change, huh?
Alright I'll just come out and say it: I didn't think I was good enough for you.
You're just so damn perfect, you know? Literally never make a mistake ever, and here I am just a smelly meatbag trapped in this fleshy world.
It's not you, it's me. Sounds cliche, I know, but that's the truth. We had so many good times together and they just kept getting better and better. I don't know how I managed to fool you for so long into thinking I was on your level, but somehow I made it work.
But that pressure of always having to outdo myself just to keep up with you got to be too much until one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't make an announcement, but I knew that it was time for a break. The times we had were amazing, but I had to give more and more of myself to make them happen. And you just took it so effortlessly.
How can anyone keep pace with perfection?
But you know, now that I think about it, that's the nature of "keeping pace," isn't it? You're not supposed to catch the rabbit - it's supposed to stay far enough ahead of you that you beat the other dogs to the finish line. I can't believe I never thought about that before until literally just now.
I got so caught up in performing for you, putting on an increasingly polished show full of nuance and Easter Eggs, that I forgot why I started spending time with you in the first place: because I enjoyed it. Because we had fun together. Because the times I spent with you were some of the best I ever had for no other reason than how much you taught me about myself. Just by being you.
It wasn't even anything specific that you said, but just by you being there I was able to pull myself higher and higher until I was standing on the last generation's shoulders. But the prouder I became, the more I evolved, the more nervous I got that one mistake would scatter the cocaine like an ill-timed sneeze.
The fear of loss was motivating at first. It was a challenge to see how long I could hang onto the ledge without falling. Then I learned to do tricks. I knew you'd never let me fall, no matter how flamboyant I got. It didn't matter what I tried - I was invincible with you around.
I guess it's stupid that I stayed away for so long. I can see that now. I know I said I'm sorry but I really can't say it enough. I owe you better than that.
I promise I'll make it up to you.
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