"What to do, what to do, what to do today."
No, that is not what this post is about. This post is not about decision making in the sense of "what should I have for dinner." This post is about decision making that carries with it consequences or, at the least, brings into focus that which is not yet understood.
Some quick backstory, which is actually relevant to the content's of this post. I suffer depression, and I suffer anxiety. The depression is mild and the anxiety only really arises when I am unprepared or outside of my comfort zone. For the most part I have learned mechanisms to manage the depression and keep it from rearing it's ugly head, and I've made conscious decisions to tackle anxiety head on by forcing myself to step well, far outside of my comfort zone.
Though the depression I suffer is mild it is still depression. It's more than simply feeling sad. It's the type of feeling one gets that, though not suicidal or nihilistic, leaves one feeling peaceful with the thought that if one does not wake up from one's sleep, all the problems one faces will also cease to exist. It's not necessarily pleasant.
I do manage it and am normally able to keep it at bay, usually by being far too busy for my own good and by engaging in activities that I know I will enjoy. Still, there are times that my invisible friend reminds me of his continued interest in my life that I am unable to avoid.
A song.
A scent.
A phrase.
Any of these can be triggers, and there are certainly others. Sometimes there needs to be no trigger at all; it just happens, such as it did last week.
There was nothing in particular that brought this last particular bout of depression to the fore, but I remember lying in bed feeling just plain old Down. I was tired, exhausted, yet couldn't sleep, and that doesn't help. And when you're lying in bed, tired, not sleeping, and feeling Down, it's easy to begin to think of reasons as to why you feel Down; you find yourself questioning your worth, your value, and that maybe you deserve to feel that way.
Of course no one really wants to feel like that, but that is what depression does. It fucks with you. The positive is that I didn't want to feel like that. I wanted to sleep!
And this got me thinking. My mind's thoughts started to play the telephone game with themselves and I ultimately came up with the idea for this post. Two of my boys suffer depression as well, and one suffers Asperger's. All of them need guidance, perhaps more guidance than their peers. And I'm required to give it to them. Now, as I lie there in bed, I am in need of some guidance. How can I help myself?
Well, what would I advise my boys to do?
Option 1
Some people will ask themselves in a moment of trial and trouble, What would Jesus do? That's legitimate, but I'm not really a religious person. Whenever I ask that question I find myself also asking, Why not Mohammed? What would Mohammed do?. Or Gandhi. Why not Buddha? Or Moses?
In my particular case, Jesus might just tell me to pray to go to sleep. I'm not sure. Did Jesus have anything to say about depression induced insomnia? Or insomnia induced depression? Or the symbiotic relationship between the two?
Option 2
Here's something a little more up my alley. What would Doctor Johnny Fever do?
He'd probably smoke a joint and have a nap. I have no marijuana and couldn't nap, which was the problem, so Johnny was of no help to me this time.
Option 3
This became very obvious to me. The answer to my question of how to fend off this bout of depression and get to sleep lies with my children. What would I advise my children to do?
- I would tell them that I love them.
- I would remind them that they know they do not deserve to feel like this, and that they should also remind themselves of this. They are worthy.
- I would suggest to them that a good night sleep is a cure to a lot of woe's.
- I would advise them to think of things they have done that they enjoy.
- Finally, to get to sleep, I would suggest to them that they meditate their way to sleep. Close their minds to directed thoughts, and let their own thoughts just wander where they may without question or consequence. Listen to their heart beat. Let their thoughts run so freely that they ultimately become dreamlike, and then they're sleeping.
And then it occurred to me that the answer to about all of the decisions I ever need to make lie with my children: if any of them were facing the decision I currently am, what would I advise them to do?
I have spent the last week mulling this over and I cannot think of one situation where that thought it not appropriate. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I believe that every one of us would benefit from it.
"If my children were in this position, what would I suggest and advise to them?"
Even if one doesn't have children I believe the exercise would still work, and I think it's an eye opener.
So, what does this have to do with the picture of the cat on my laptop at the top of the post? Absolutely nothing. That's my cat, and I just happen to think she's pretty and like the picture. Even if she is getting fur into the keyboard of my laptop.
(c) All images and photographs, unless otherwise specified, are created and owned by me.
(c) Victor Wiebe
About Me
Sometimes photographer. Wannabe author. Game designer. Nerd.
General all around problem-solver and creative type.
Creator of What I Learned Today Hive community: created/hive-131257
Blind Skeleton
Online Radio: https://blindskeleton.one/radio/
Friday Night Concert: 6:00pm EST
Frogs of War Games
Tidwick
The Feet Community
What I Learned Today
a