It was 3 AM and my mind was racing through the memories of hurt that had come disguised as a gift deliberately triggered by the feelings which got lost somewhere between love and fear. I had been trying to make sense of all the bad that happened to me when I only wanted good. I was contemplating on the dark forces being behind all of this, the workers in the name of sin and despair to have conspired against my doings because my intentions were good. But were they really?
We all get to this point or at least most of us do, that we see the dark so overwhelmingly encompassing it's shadow upon us that we forget to see the meaning behind all of this. In a sense of how we call the devil into our home, heart and life. But who is this devil really? How does he look or is it a she? Let me try to convince you how I had faced him, while I was trying to solve this mystery of how darkness works against the force of light. This may sound gloomy and negative up to this point but in the end what I found was illuminating. And no, I have not joined his dark force in some sort of delusion of being on the side of those who believe they are doing this for some bigger and better cause. It would be the same delusion as any terrorist gets sucked into. Rather the devil was very human, somewhat distorted, scared and was hiding an ugly truth about himself. A truth we all have already labeled, so what is there to hide you may ask. It is a truth that is so ugly that it would be hard for a human being to digest and be repelled like bitter old milk spat out again and making one sick to the stomach.
My first encounter or rather a glimpse of a blurry picture I recall of this sinister figure I had was during my childhood. Back then I did not really understand what to make of this, but I surely remember the horror and sadness I felt. Years later I could not see him anymore but I could feel his dark energy and he had the ability to shape shift or rather take over people's minds, especially when I had been good to them. You see it was like an opposite force and I for some reason started believing maybe my force of goodness was not strong enough and I had to try harder. But even that went wrong, so I started observing and becoming more quiet. Deep down I understood that I could see and sense these energies on a very subtle level due to my heightened sensory perception and with that I could work with people to make them feel good and safe. However, I had to be very careful of not falling into a trap, because the devil was very smart, manipulative and cunning as he entered especially those who had already made up their mind that everyone is playing a game and they got to win it. You see the devil loved especially those who were quite self serving and helped them by giving them the power of taking advantage of certain softness and perceived weaknesses. The question remained whether these were weaknesses or actual strengths. Much to my disappointment the niceness that people and even I lived up to a certain extent was a weakness. Don't get me wrong, but it had been so in order to shield myself after being fatigued on this constant field of battle between good and evil and to really hide my wounds that would be ripped open at any fresh moment of confrontation. Until one day I decided not to play the good card anymore. It was useless and I decided this life is about winning or losing. Guess, which side I chose. And so I started to play the game and put on an act while trying to hide and maintain my inner good. It worked well for a while but I somehow managed to constantly sabotage all the good that I had going on for me. Just about enough to maintain the image and life of a winner, but never really feeling strong like the winner. Then I realised that all the winners who were just like me, were just as somewhat broken and confused from within. I thought to myself 'oh that son of a bitch, the devil tricked me nicely'. He tricked all of us. But he doesn't really exist, does he? Why are people on top acting as if they are following him though, I thought. Why is this world so wrong and why are we then so disconnected? Why are people so afraid to love? Why can't they or I sustain a relationship?
Then about 4 years ago I encountered the devil in many faces at once, yet I was trying my best to ignore it. I had been meditating, praying and working hard to get my mind off him. But then there was a voice deep within me saying this is your duty, you have to bring out your truth. And as I was sitting there at my office desk staring at my computer screen, feeling a sense of emptiness it dawned on me. I should be happy I thought but I am not. I was scrolling through Facebook posts of people posting all sorts of rubbish that had no meaning whatsoever. In a moment that infuriated me even more due to them being so blind about the true disaster we were faced with and all they could think of was posting dishes, baby photos, that one moment they came close to happiness while trying to one up the other and propping up the stupidity further up the next pedestal. It was a giant mental cock fight and all this was his trick. I decided to tell my almost thousand Facebook friends that everyone is ignorant and selfish and we should honour those who are actually doing good in this world and not just serving their own ego. In other words - "go fuck yourselves you ignorant chimps, there are heroes out there which you all pretend to be and I am not going to be part of this retard fest, so I am out!" And as soon as I did that I deleted my account.
Soon after my life started slowly falling apart. The devil had entered the minds of hundreds of people to bring me down. After all I left his shrine and told his followers that this pain they tried to cover up is the lake of fire they are in but just not have the mental capacity to grasp what is actually happening...well ok I am exaggerating now or maybe there was a point where I thought Mark Zuckerberg was the devil and everyone one Facebook had to sell their souls by registering. But I am afraid you will have to bear with me for a little longer on this one, because he is not really.
And then I met a girl who changed everything. At first, as soon after I met her and bliss entered my life, the devil was back more merciless than ever and this time I could start to make out his real face. And no it wasn't her of course. She however gave me new powers or rather awakened my hidden ones which at first I did not understand and it was so overwhelming that all that I had been looking for suddenly appeared all at once. All the answers I was seeking for in a cryptic formula remained to be decoded. Like why the world had such a problem to love and was living in fear. Why I was afraid and weak at times. Why the devil wanted to ruin my life and all of those who had such compassion and love for the world. He turned up in my mother, my father, my brother, my friends, my loved ones, he was everywhere suddenly. And I did not realise it up to this point that I had been subtly looking for him as much as I had been looking for the answer to love. I had forgotten about the devil all these years and now I wanted to see his real face. I wanted all my loved ones to awaken and see that they had been possessed, because they all started to trample on me in the weakest moment of my life.
I did not want to believe at any given moment that he was real, this entity of darkness. But the more I had tried to explain that all I was ever trying to do was good and make everyone happy, the worse the punishments got. The worst then was to lose the girl. Go figure. However, she left me with a hope and for some reason I had realised that there is a divine power and I can overcome all the obstacles I was faced with. But just then it was hell I was in, the dark night of the soul.
I knew that I had somehow also attracted all these troubles, but it was a very long battle and hardship for an innate purpose that got me to this point. At the same time it was avoidance of the connected bad and trying not to attract it. I just could not help myself still. Not because of some instability or being worse off in a cognitive sense than others, but because I really had this ability to see things others didn't or most of people rather. I was given the ability to do something about the wrong path we as a collective had taken, at least thats how I felt. At least I could try and influence my immediate circle. And that was a gift and a curse at the same time.
I had promised myself that I will defy all odds, search, build and walk my own truth. There was something sinister happening as much as there was something divine about to overpower it. I could sense it but never talk about it without sounding like a lunatic. The more I was building myself up, opening up my heart, empowering my spirit, freeing my mind and expanding it, the more details of the fear based lives I could see, as much as the power of love and make sense of it. On the flip side, the clearer I also started to see the devils face.
Imagine you cover your face with a plastic one that looks better than you do. It can fool everyone in a visual sense but not energetically. So when you open up these energetic senses, you can see through the facade and on the downside start to see an ugly part too. And that ugly part was the devil hiding behind that mask. It was like after a start of a romantic relationship that unveiled the truth of a person you thought you knew, but in reality it was you who let themselves be fooled. The deeper truth however of what happened is that you were also just playing a part or an act. And the devil is really smart, because he can look like a she too when both look at each other and see an ugly part of the devil's face like in a mirror to drive each other crazy. It doesn't mean that all parts are mirrors, but also some people are sometimes so bright in goodness that it turns into a mirror and that drives the ugliness in the other crazy. So does that mean even good is bad? It depends really. Sometimes you can go to extremes just to find out how the devil looks in full profile and that's what I did I think. But then the masks had different pieces of truths unveiled and some were ugly and some where also very beautiful. However, the most beautiful ones were that had just come to love themselves as they are. And that was the truth. It was also the secret to defeat the devil.
And so I went full throttle into living my truth as much possible, day by day, working hard on myself and changing bit by bit or rather taking the pieces off. The pieces that felt fake, hardened or shield like that also gave a place for the devil to enter.
So much of truth until you realise the devil isn't who you think it is. Not only can we see him in the mirror at times, but the worst part is when we should see him it is then when we are most blinded. He does not look visually ugly, because he has us all fooled. That is because he is human or rather manifests in the human mind. He is not just one person and he is not a he.
He does not exist as you think he does, in fact he does not even exist as I think he does, because even I have so much to learn about him or it. Not in a negative sense anymore but how to love enough so that he never or it never comes forward or can be cast away.
There is a polarity by which we are given a choice and by which we call in the good and the bad into our life's. We tend to blame people, dark forces or even praise false living gods or incline too far into goodness and God to make sense of this life and its purpose. Personally, I only recalled the devil every time I felt injustice, wrong doing or bad occurring in my life and in the world. And many of us do the same, we blame the devil or people being bad and blaming anything and anyone for all the shit that we go through. We'll demonise whole groups and people of different beliefs labelling them as being evil or possessed by the devil. And even if I or you would not do it, as a part of the collective I still feel responsible if I were to merely just sit quiet or at least not think about the root cause. It all has a purpose and that is to force you to come into the light of truth. To take full responsibility of who you truly are deep down. To follow a collective moral compass that is deep within, not that which has been indoctrinated or as a forced belief. We humans tend to shove our beliefs into each others throat and if we don't go by the proximate collective most innate beliefs we are suddenly bad or even evil to the opposing party. Instead of being truthful and light in the sense of weightlessness and having a carefree attitude, which in turn gives you a lot of focus to care in the right way. The heart is far more intelligent than your intellect can be. In the intellect it is, whether low or high it does not matter, where beliefs are formed. And these beliefs tend to manifest into safe houses of personal sanity or what you belief to be personal sanity, which in reality is just a pillar to guard you from your own fragility. When we say the heart was broken and that's why we shield it, it is not true. It was not the heart that was broken but the shield that we built from early on. It is a part of the ego construct. The ego is supposed to be a teacher and yet through the notion of belief we turn it into a protector and eventually into our master. The ego will do as you please, because truth is that it is there to serve you. And with that we can turn it into a self serving machine as it is a part of ourselves. When you heighten your feelings, you will get to know what this really means, my words won't convince you.
Once I broke down my shields bit by bit in my years of self development and learning to see the positive even in seemingly most negative things, characteristics and situations, I had started to develop a universal sense of the workings of life. A spiritual power we all have. And it is just the beginning for me.
The illuminating part is that there is no good and bad really, it is all about the level of awakening you have. And with that you also get a sense of oneness and collectiveness, which still has a downside and which still can trap one into a negative connotation. As it means that we are only as strong as we are all together. And that can drive you nuts at times. But it is all a huge lesson in an infinite number of ways. And that is to understand the meaning of love and how to apply it. When you are awakened and start on this journey of a new way to explore life, you are in an abundant, content and free living mode. However, it is fresh, it is new and there is so much to learn and understand. Now it does not mean you become the opposite of the devil, because that too is not real and is just another ego construct. It just means to step up to the next level. You can have it all and still live a life of a happy hippy at heart. But what we can not go back to be anymore is that part of human existence in denial that they're devil is not inside their mind and that someone else will come and make him or her go away. Live your truth so to be free and thou shall be delivered from all evil. The devil is only in your mind and the mind is powerful in both ways positive and negative. Freedom resides in your personal truth which these days can mean that you have to leave behind the approval seeking of social proof, darkness of fear and maybe a whole lie of a life you are living. Because a life of truth is a life truly lived and with that means having truly the bliss of love in your life. In the end that is really what we all want and what it is really all about.
