I have been slowly moving from a mindset of just getting by to truly believing in abundance.
Though I did some serious rewiring already, I am starting to see how stuck I have been in that scarcity mindset.
Limiting myself for decades....
Because planning a future feels like a luxury when survival is the focus.
These posts are:
𝒯𝑜 𝓊𝓃𝒹𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒹𝒶𝓂𝒶𝑔𝑒 𝐼 𝒹𝒾𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝓎𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝑒𝓁𝒾𝑒𝒻 𝒾𝓃 𝒶𝒷𝓊𝓃𝒹𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒.
𝒯𝑜 𝒷𝑒 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝓉𝑒𝒻𝓊𝓁 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒.
𝒯𝑜 𝓊𝓃𝓉𝒶𝓃𝑔𝓁𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓌𝒾𝓇𝑒𝓈 𝒾𝓃 𝓂𝓎 𝓈𝒸𝒶𝓇𝒸𝒾𝓉𝓎 𝓂𝒾𝓃𝒹𝓈𝑒𝓉.
𝒯𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝑜𝓅𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒹𝑜𝑜𝓇𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝓅𝑒𝓇𝒸𝑒𝓅𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓇𝑒𝓂𝑒𝓂𝒷𝑒𝓇 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝐼 𝓀𝓃𝑒𝓌 𝒷𝑒𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑒.
A few times now, I've mentioned how my life changed at 13 years old. Did I explain why?
No, I did not, because actually, I have never thought about it.
But I did, I chose for some reason to go to a high school where none of my friends went, for some reason I decided that I wanted to go another road, a road without a safety net, without guidance, all by myself.
What did that do to me, that makes that age feel like the age I lost the magic?
By choosing a high school where I knew no one, I removed the scaffolding, the social comfort, the shared history, the built-in guidance.
At 13, that’s a huge leap.
Emotionally, I was still partly a child, but the environment suddenly treated me more like an independent operator.
I could and had to build a new identity, new trust, and belonging from scratch in a place where no one could vouch for you.
I might have become self-reliant sooner than the friends I left behind, but at the cost of a kind of innocence, I lost the sense that the world was automatically safe and on my side.
Why does that feel like “I lost the magic?”
Magic partly thrives on security.
In childhood, magic often comes from knowing you’re safe while you explore. At 13, I removed that safety net.
I swapped familiar faces for anonymity. That can turn life from playful discovery into constant adaptation.
The world became transactional.
Without guidance, I had to interpret the social and emotional “rules” myself, which can feel less like wonder and more like survival.
My inner world shifted.
What once felt limitless may have started feeling conditional: “I can dream, but I have to watch my back, I have to make sure I am safe. I have to survive.”
On the edge of adolescence, my prefrontal cortex (responsible for planning, risk assessment, and impulse control) was still very immature.
My limbic system (emotions, reward-seeking, social bonding) is highly active.
I was wired for curiosity and exploration, but might not have yet been equipped with the full “brakes” to evaluate dangers or long-term consequences.
It was a bit double, I guess, as it may have given me confidence and the ability to navigate unfamiliar situations.
Those situations also increased my problem-solving skills and pushed me to think creatively and take initiative.
But without a moral or practical compass from a trusted adult, I probably picked up some, let's say, unsafe behaviours, although I never fell victim to exploitation.
The world outside was different, chaotic, a storm; sometimes a bit too much too soon, although I did not see it at the time, it probably triggered some distrust and cynicism.
Still, I played it safe enough not to end up in accidents or extremely harmful situations.
Looking back, the lack of guidance may have led me to adopt values and behaviours I now realize were not so smart.
Gambling and smoking are very expensive at that age and led to some seriously bad decisions. That made me feel bad about myself, and which I tried to solve, without asking for help.
I got away with most mistakes, it took a big rug to cover up all the mess I made....But I did learn to take responsibility for my own mess and have a good antenna to assess weird situations.
I do consider myself more naturally curious but cautious, than a thrill-seeker. But if a big brother had guided my exposure before, I think I could cope better and not move into survival mode as soon as I do now.
Still, I found my own weird kind of support network. A weird community in which I found my place in due time. But I probably would have been helped by some guided reflection, making the lessons from my explorations more constructive and less risky.
A 13-year-old’s natural curiosity can be a double-edged sword: a gateway to growth or a path toward harmful influences.
Thank you for making it this far....for those who know me...or better, think they know me, this might have been a WTF moment.
For me, this is a WTF journey, but I finally know my destiny: Avalon and reaching it with a balanced mind.
Reaching it aware of my wounds, my traumas, and working on that balancing act that could make the mind reach its full potential.
Not that I think I will be able to reach perfection in one lifetime or ten, but I at least looked at things from both sides now.
But be aware, a balanced mind might hide the unseen war between outer silence and inner chaos, never revealing that balance is seemingly and in truth only is a mask, a trap.
Those who are seemingly balanced are the ones that I trust most, because being human means repressed trauma, emotional imbalance, and above all others psychological duality.
Like Rudyard Kipling´s (1865 – 1936) IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
Because I looked,
I looked at my mind from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's my mind´s illusions I recall
I really don't know my mind at all
