I was married and had my first child very young, I was not happy, truly happy for many years. Of course there were times that something happened in my life and I could smile and be happy for short periods of time. It seemed as if as I began to become happy something would surely come sneaking in and ruin it for me. I blamed everyone and everything else for my unhappiness. i never once looked upon myself for blame, until a lonely day, alone in the house, I chose to commit suicide. for you see many times a person has problems within their self and no one can see it but them. After years of casting blame on the world around me, I decided the common factor in all these unhappy years were me, therefore, I had to be the blame for every wrong thing said or done to me or by me. I was tired, tired of fighting the voices and the pain, so I decided to just put an end to it all. I closed the closet door and held the gun to my head. sitting there in the dark was like peace in itself, soon I would not ever have to feel pain or confusion again. God stepped in and placed a person in my home that day to stop me. I was forced to stop this selfish plan. Although I lived many years after pretending things were better, they were far from being any tiny bit better. I forged onward in my life. I blamed alcohol, pot, not having my childhood, people for all my unhappiness. I even for a short time went to church and pretended to be satisfied with my life. I struggled day to day, keeping it hid from everyone. Relationships failed, friendships failed, things would just not come together for me. In 2008, I was going in for surgery, a lump was found on my neck, the doctors said it did not look good, I realized that all this moaning over life not being fair was a bunch of crap. I sat at home worrying that I would die. How ironic for someone who couldn't see happy if you pointed to it for me. My daughters words came slipping in. she said, " you believe in god mama, you know in your heart you are saved and forgiven, don't worry mama, if you die,,,,you get to be with Jesus, and if you live,,,,What a testimony you will have." I realized she was right.I also figured out that though I was saved and forgiven, I did not show it. I allowed the devil to come into my heart and mind, my home, my relationships and cause such disaster, no more. No more Satan, get behind me now today, God lead me forward. He has, from that day forward, God has held my hand each day, he has shown me not only blessing from my everyday, but the blessings I overlooked in my past.He has allowed me to live twice, to all who doubt your self worth, your amount of being needed in this world, stop,,,,,take a long look at yourself,,,who do you blame? In god's eyes there is no room for blame, you ask forgiveness, he forgives. People do not make you happy or sad or angry, it is what is within you that allows these emotions. god is within me now, he was for a long time, but too many times I shut him out. I have a faith in God that is amazing to me at times.He has blessed me so in the last two years that I actually sit and laugh and feel sorry for the me all those years ago. Do not think that anyone is OK, just because they have a smile on their face. do not think anyone is not OK they make a mistake.Through all our terrible bouts of emotion, through all our torn down dreams, mistreatment of and by others, God forgives us. what right do we have to judge another? Sometimes people like me allow a lot of wasted years before they realize the grace of god and he power of his love. Sometimes people never open themselves up and realize the blessings upon them, they just always see the darkness. Point is do not waste your years, your months, your days, not even your hours, do you want to be right in your eyes and the eyes of the world, or do you want to be happy and right in the eyes of God. Thank you Dusty,, for everything,,,you have been my inspiration, my rock, ever leading me to the grace of Jesus,,Thank you Phil, for seeing the real me and loving me in spite of it...thank you God for allowing me to live to see my wrongs, and how wonderful all the rights can be. Have a blessed day my friends.....I love you all!!
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