Dear Lord,
In the course of the week I ran into a young man in the estate and he asked to talk to me for a few minutes if that was alright.
And he spent those few minutes telling me about Esther and how Father you raised her from such humble beginnings to the throne. How you made her Queen.
Citing the book of Esther, he informed me of how evil Herman would have Mordecai and Esther and all Jews dead and how you liberated everyone Father.
Then dear Lord, he concluded by informing me that there would be a special service this Sunday at his church where all problems noted down on a piece of paper would be prayed for and everything would be OK in your Holy Name. Would I be willing to attend such a special service?
And when I said I couldn't make any promises, he seemed temporarily lost. Disappointed even. In me. Like I had done something wrong. And he asked why and I told him that I wasn't the strongest person when it came to religion.
That was the most honest answer I had.
Truth is, I believe in you Lord. I believe you created me, I believe you gave your only Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins. I believe in the Holy Spirit and that He dwells inside the souls that accept Him.
But I have strayed so far from your light and I feel in my bones that I can't come back yet. Like I am not ready to walk in Your light because the thing I fear most in this world is to be a hypocrite. I don't want to walk around saying you're the Savior of my soul yet when I'm alone I let my mind wander in the darkest directions and my actions don't rhyme with the provisions of your glory and for that Father, I am so sorry.
I am a sinner of epic proportions. Is there redemption for me? For people who turn away from you at every turn? Will there dawn a day when I will say "now I'm ready to commit to You Father and all You stand for"? And if such day ever dawns, will you have me? Me with all my sin, vanity, arrogance, doubt, thoughts...
Wah. I'm so far gone from where you are Lord, the current of sin has been so strong, it has swept me so far from You, I don't see a way back.
And even when I need you, even when I need to ask for something from you, I don't know how anymore. I tell myself that if I don't pray when I'm happy, when everything is alright, if I don't say "Thank you God" every morning when I wake up, what right do I have to close my eyes and say, "God I need you" when I'm in trouble?
Father, do you see how alone I am right now? And yes I know that it is all my fault. That I strayed this far with my eyes wide open. Worse still is, though I have shunned you and betrayed your love for me, and though that bothers me or else I wouldn't be penning this prayer, it ain't what bothers me the most. It is my material needs and worldly urges and temptations that bother me the most. These trivial matters like money, relationships, success... Do you see how spiritually messed up I am?
And yet every morning I wake up without an ailment. Every morning I wake up. I am alive. I am healthy. I have a smile on my face. My parents are alive and healthy. My friends are alive and healthy. And not even a "thank you" from my lips. I know this is wrong but I just don't know how to remedy it. Not permanently. I could swear up and down that I'll change. You know I've tried before. But I never change. I'll forget about it two days later. And I'll go back to taking your love for granted.
What can I do Father? Me. Your son. So drunk with sin he can't see forward anymore. So lazy, he can't even say "thank you Father" every morning he wakes up? So vain. So arrogant. So stupid. What can I do to get closer to you again? I can't even remember the last time I was close to you. As far back as I can remember, I had to be beaten or threatened with violence for me to go to church on Sunday. Even when I was a kid. I guess I never felt like I belonged in church.
And in my whole life, I only felt at complete and utter peace when I was in your house just once. Once in the 27 years I have been alive. Why? Who am I?
This long prayer and I don't even know what I want. God, can you see me stumbling in the dark? Can you hear my voice mumbling among the lost? Can you find me? Or how can I find you? Most importantly, do I want to find you? I know I can't do this alone. I can't live my life devoid of your love, support and presence. I need you. I know this.
But I look at my life, at all the favors you grant me free of charge and I know that I'm not alone. That you haven't left me for others who are more committed to you. For that I say thank you. Please forgive me. This sinful creature. This lost man.
This I pray, believing and trusting in Your Holy Name
Amen.
