As someone who suffers with severe depression to the point where I have nearly ended it all a couple of times I thought I may try to put some shit into words; one of the hardest things someone in my position can do.
Depression is out there, FACT. Anyone you pass on the street could have it and you will never know. It's an invisible killer. No one will wear a sign around their neck stating that they have It, nor would they want to draw attention to the fact.
I have good days and I have bad. Most days the hardest thing for me is to actually get out of bed and face anyone. People say to me all the time that if I want to chat then they're here for me. How do I tell someone that half of the time I genuinely don't even know what's happening in my own head, so how the hell can I tell them what's going on? I've been so low that I've tied a rope ready to look it over my neck and only by chance was I saved from that.
It's not something I'm proud of, I don't want sympathy, I just want people to know that this shit goes on.
If you think there's someone you know and love that is suffering, don't bug them for answers. Don't tell them to snap out of it and stop being pathetic; believe Me, if I could stop the thoughts and images that haunt me on a daily basis I would. Be there in a supportive role, make them feel loved and maybe they'll open up to you, perhaps they won't but don't ever give up on them. They are part of this world the same as you and deserve to be here with just as much right.
Myself, I feel useless most of the time. No good to anyone. Will never achieve anything that I ever wanted to do when I was 16 (I'm nearly 40 now and haven't achieved anything with my life). I have social anxiety issues and feel uncomfortable around others, like they're all looking at me and judging me and this is something that can't be helped. On bad days I lay here and picture from a third person point of view what it would be like for someone to discover me hanging dead. Believe Me, it scares the shit out of me and really don't want to think about It, but I can't stop it.
The other issue is that medication DOESN'T help. Most of the meds out there turn you Into a functioning zombie. You can move and kinda do what needs to be done, but youre emotionless and tired. I swear that due to the numbness they have caused in the past and my lack of social interaction I've ended up with a monotone voice and am incapable of showing emotion through talking. Easily mistaken for being angry when I'm not.
If you are going through a similar experience, don't lock yourself away like I do, it makes things worse. Seek help from a professional or even the Samaritans. These people are there to help. And also remember.. you're not alone
