When you just have one of those days? Or nights? Or even just an hour or passing thought?
What do you do when self-doubt kicks in?
I have now been a freelancer for about two months, and when I first took the leap these self-doubt spirals were pretty frequent. I've gotten a better hang of them, or at least I thought I had until tonight. I had a pretty decent day, I've been working all month, and am booked this week, but my expenses scare me and the fear was set off when I was offered weekend work if I wanted. I don't want to work on my weekend, but I feel I have to. The thought lingers in the back of my mind. I am technically making more money than I did in my full-time position, but cash flow is quite different now with things like Net 30 payment and I also have to pay an arm and a leg for health insurance. I'm not someone who grew up with money, and I didn't start with a cushion, so having the savings that I've built myself is something I'm proud of. Having to dip into it, though I knew that would be the case during this transition, is terrifying and defeating.
Then that seed of self-doubt kicks off a whole slew of thoughts. I quit being a full-time retoucher to make time and space for my photography, and yet here I am busting my ass everyday retouching. What if I continue to just get stuck and my photography career never becomes what I want it to be? I see other people's careers and want what they have. After work this evening I had my photo taken by a fellow photographer and friend. He is fully supporting himself on his photography and isn't slinging side hustles or other skills to make ends meet. He is extremely talented and he deserves what he has, but I can't help but think, "I want that."
So, before I continue to spew more of these thoughts running through my head and making the tears well up, I ask you: What do you do when this happens? How to you talk yourself down or turn the doubt into something positive?
This is my cat, and also a good representation of how I feel.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I promise to post something less daunting in the near future.
-Vanessa
