It's been a year since I lost my mom to Aplastic Anemia, a disease where the body fails to produce blood cells in sufficient numbers. She has been in and out of the hospital for the past three months. In these three months she began to lose weight, loss appetite and getting weaker day by day. Seeing my strong and wonderful mother in such a vulnerable state was terrifying. On the fourth month she was finally called to the Lord. Losing my mom made a huge hole in my heart as well as my gut which will never ever go away.
When my mom passed away, all of her children were with her. Thru her last breath we were there in the hospital. Hearing the last long beep of the machine means she’s gone still lingers on my head. This isn't my first loss, but it is the hardest.
I don’t really have the time to grief on my mom death. During the funeral, I didn’t go to the cemetery. It really pained me to see my mom laying lifeless 6 feet under ground. Few days after the funeral, I went to work as always… buried myself in work until there’s no single space in my brain to grief. I tried to push through and be okay, I really did. But grief would slip out of me whenever I see her picture and see the loneliness in my dad’s eyes. I would find myself crying silently, I really miss her. However, I didn’t want may my family, especially my daughter and husband to think I was falling apart. So I held a lot of my sadness inside. It's hard to fully grieve, especially when you need to be strong for your family.
This morning marks one year of her death anniversary. I went to the cemetery and was so sadden to see the cross where she was buried. Then I realised, in one year, I never really fully accepted the fact that she is no longer in this earth because I did not went to this cemetery and see with my own eyes that she laying lifeless and will never ever come back to life. I cried as I put flowers on her tomb. I talked like crazy telling her how much I miss her. I light-up the candle, say a prayer may she rest in peace and that may she be happy with God. Soon I’ll make your tomb pretty ma…
Come to think of it, my mom definitely wouldn’t want me to be grieving forever. Life goes on and at some point after her death, she will become a memories… happy and most wonderful memories.
