My first sexual experience was memorable for the term 'are you in yet?' Apparently my 15 year old penis and her 18 year old vagina were incompatible. Now I'm not saying she had a massive vagina (I might be). I'm saying we didn't match at that precise moment in time. My dick is a reliable fellow, not small, not quite as big as I'd like. He's never done me wrong since, and makes up for lack of bulk with sheer valiant effort and a touch of quiet charm and a whole lot of love. Unfortunately I had no knowledge of my now satisfactory love life back then (it's actually much better than that, but I don't wanna rub it in), so I unknowingly took on the deep rooted fear I was sexually inadequate, it stays with me vaguely, despite many years of contradictory experience.
My first proper fling was with a woman at least 12 years older. I was 18. She was a Bradford woman of African decent with huge lips and hips. She sucked me off with champagne in her mouth so I could feel the cold bubbles, nice touch I thought. After a drunken evening of sweaty dancing and public groping we returned to her house for the night. At some point I used the toilet and returned to the passion at hand. Later she used the toilet herself, and then reported to me that I managed to somehow leave shit on the toilet seat and on the floor. How this occurred I'm not quite sure, I choose not to dwell on the matter.
These things aren't really that embarrassing. What is embarrassing is that at times in my life I have manipulated and used people for my own selfish means. I have used violence to intimidate and take vengeance. I have taken many things for myself without thought of the harm it did to others. I've been an asshole on a sociopathic level.
Shame is a trait most of us carry with us on a daily basis. We remember the most awkward and horrible moments of our lives vividly, because we feel it viscerally when these things happen. It strikes us at our core, worse than physical pain, worse than sadness. Shame is something so dominant in our mindset that if we didn't have it, our lives would be utterly different. We would dance spontaneously and outrageously, and say whatever we liked to whomever we pleased. We would show our genitals off like they were cute little animals to stroke, and make goo-goo eyes and silly noises at them.
What is it we are so ashamed of? I am an average looking, reasonably intelligent man with good relationships with others and myself. Animals and kids like me. I can write words in orders that please me. I'm good at games and sports and scrabble. I attempt to act in a way that others find reasonable and even enjoyable. So why do I still loathe myself at some level? Why do I feel a need to self-harm with drugs or food or behaviour? It is part of our societal make up. An inherent and taught guilt which we compound with our shitty behaviour as we try to distract ourselves from it.
Think of your most embarrassing moments. When you felt the most shame. Chances are they are to do with your normal bodily functions, or your body itself. Were you naked? Did you fail sexually? Did you shit your pants? We are brought up with shame about our perfectly normal bodies. We are taught how they are meant to be and what they should or shouldn't do. We are taught, or not taught enough about what sex is, what love is (see my post on love).
Then there is the action-based shame, the guilt based on conscience when we realise we have hurt others. This is a reasonable response to having committed a harmful action, but is there any point in it? What I mean is, is it helpful to you, or those you hurt? Well no, clearly not. It just makes you sit around dwelling on what an asshole you are. Instead of guilt (aka indulgent self pity), make changes, take action. Guilt can show us something we need to correct, but once we are aware of that, we need to let the guilt go, its job is done. Ultimately the only way to feel good about yourself is to be good. Stop being an asshole, stop being embarrassed, simple (in theory).
