A few years ago I met a grandmother whom had rushed here to be with her son and grandson when her daughter in law died in childbirth. It is impossible to quantify the grief she was in, and she reached out in desperation to her son and grandson to be helpful and involved with them as a means of providing solace to herself. Her son handled grief much differently, and all this had lots of impact on both the grandmother and her grandson, who was just entering school for the first time. Her son couldn't talk about it at all, and was angry at his mother for discussing it frankly with his young son. It was all very painful to observe, even at some distance.

It was very difficult for me to watch this family try to find ways to deal with such a terrible event, although I managed to not interfere, because I am certain the bereaved widower would have been furious if I had. I hope your research helps you to approach your family much differently, and with open eyes about your own feelings rather than sublimating them into other purposes. Your consideration and discussion in the OP certainly suggests you will very successfully do that.

Thanks!