My life isn't what I thought it would be. Backtrack a decade ago and I would have told you I'd be climbing up the ranks of a Fortune 500 company on my way to CEO living in a big name city. Time would unfold and I would find myself with an English degree under my belt living under my mom's roof. College changed me for what I hope is the better. However, I am not very happy where I am, in comparison to where I thought I would be. I was supposed to be living in a New York skyline apartment. Instead I'm writing my first Steemit post on a Tuesday night in my mom's guest room.
I mean, what happened? How did I end losing sight of that far fetched dream, and be seemingly upset in this predicament? I went through many changes during my time as a student. I danced around and sampled many majors and found that I like English. It interested me in a way that no other department could (it was also the most foreseeable way out of school). With that degree came the same issue every English major has to deal with: who in their right mind would hire me?
Luckily I'm in a safe space and I have a good relationship with my mother. I truly am thankful for that, as that is a taken for granted commodity. Yet I still compare myself to the alternate version of myself who is living large. It frustrates me and I cannot seem to find out why. In reflection of all of this, I am going through an identity crisis. Since the age of mankind we have derived our identity from occupation. Hunters and gatherers alike would attribute their routine to who they are and their continued existence. The same is true today. Instead of the spear and basket, we've taken up keyboards and iPhones. We're all just trying to make a living while, hopefully, getting some sort of self satisfaction from it? That is my understanding of the adult world. Your job becomes your identity and sadly, I have neither at the moment.
So what have I done? For starters, I submitted my resume and cover letter to anybody who's put a job listing on LinkedIn. I've gone to networking events and resume workshops. I've done whatever I can to make myself seem like the best candidate, but so is everyone else. So what do I do now? I recently picked up a part time job at the local fast food restaurant, coming home every day hoping for that email that will never come so I'm stuck in an unfortunate situation. So I did what any responsible person would do in my circumstance and I got a dog.
I've been saving up my earnings from the fast food restaurant in order to move out as soon as that coveted job interview email turns into a job offer. I was hoping to be out of my mom's house in three months. Instead, I spent all of that money on a hypoallergenic dog (I'm allergic otherwise), vet visits and puppy supplies.
I have never done this before and I have to be honest with you when I say I'm scared. Because of my allergies growing up, my mom would never let my sister and I get a dog. We were both upset about that because the nuclear family always had a dog, a dad and other things we didn't have. I have no experience in this.
His name is Oberon and he sleeps on my lap as I write this. He pooped on my moms carpet earlier today (both of us got an earful for that), and I love him. They say that when you get a baby, it broadens your perspective as a parent. I'd argue that I'm not the first person to equate this to the feeling of being a dog owner for the first time, but cut me some slack, this is so new to me. It remains true though, my perspective is broadened from just myself. I eat fast food daily, I smoke cigarettes, and I haven't been the gym in months. I look at the little guy in my lap and I don't want any of that for him. I want him to be healthy, happy and living his best life. I cannot say I've wanted those things for myself up until this point.
So yes, I am scared that I will mess this up. With that fear comes opportunity. Maybe I wont be horrible at this, maybe I could get my life around and find success. All I know at this moment is that I do not know who I am, and I don't even really know Oberon. He is the first life that I have ever been accountable for and I want that life to be well lived. It's time I take a step back and figure out who I am. It's just nice to know that I have a companion to help me through it.
