Whales are not 'leaders' they are influential in managing the platform and that's a huge difference. They do not directly effect my behaviour.

Whales who vote for witnesses are "forever leaders" as long as they have their stake, they are King Makers and that is actually more powerful in many ways than being a "leader" which is why I called it "forever leaders". They make the Kings that others have to follow(block chain rules/upgrades/updates/etc).

you're always a guest at someone else's party and if you don't like the music, you either ask for some new tunes or you go find another party.

Exactly, while here I will advocate for a far better model, POS Ethereum will change the entire way people see decentralization, Justin Sun could not have done what he did on Steem, on Etheruem POS his stunt he pulled would have lost him all of his stake automatically.