Hello Ladies of Hive! I've seen quite a few submissions for this contest now, and they inspired me to write something too. Because love is important, it's presence or absence affects so much of our lives. Not only romantic love, but love in all forms.
Please don't be angry with me for not joining the community earlier - I've known about it for some time, but while being female, I've never felt like a lady, and the few attempts people have made to turn me into one have failed. Enough about that, here's my entry:
How do I know when I'm in love? What are the signs?
I just know. That doesn't mean it's an on-or-off thing for me - InLove/NotInLove - just that I'm never unsure. There are signs of course, but not all of them have appeared every time I've fallen in love, and I don't really notice them until I already do know.
These are some of them:
I don't mind if the person tags along - and offers their opinions - when I do everyday things like grocery shopping, buying a t-shirt, or returning the library books and getting new ones.
I check my email/discord/text messages regularly, instead of only when the number in the red dot grows huge. And hope there might be a message from a certain person.
I time my outings with a view to accidentally running in to the person, so I can suggest that maybe we should have a cup of tea together? Or a beer? Or try the new falafel place?
Here I should explain that I hate eating out, I don't much enjoy cakes and biscuits, and when I'm at a pub you'll find me at the corner table with my nose in a book, determinedly ignoring everybody except the wait staff. Including anyone who gets seated at the same table. So doing these things are not at all natural to me.
But I'm also a very private person. My home is my castle, and very few are allowed in. Sure, I can be quite open when I talk or write about myself, I'm not shying from mentioning things that have happened in my life, or what my thoughts and opinions are. That's not the same as letting someone into my home where they can see all of me and I have no control. That takes trust! For that same reason I'm wary of visiting the home of any new aquaintance, even if I think there might be friendship or more in the future. What if there isn't?
I want the person to like and enjoy the same things I do. Not all of them, leave me something for myself, and please do have your own interests too! But some. Because that makes me feel understood. And I imagine it works the other way around too.
And gradually, I do want to invite the person into my home, let them see how I live, who I am, and build their own understanding of me, where more is included than what I decide to show in public.
Does love come on suddenly or grow over time?
For me, love has always been a slow growth, and a sudden understanding. A crush can happen instantly, and end as quickly. Love, for me, doesn't ignite or burn out as quickly. Even when unrequited. But my hubby says he knows love right away.
Only a few months after we first met he pulled out a gift bag from a jewelry store from his backpack, and handed it tome. Or rather, tried to. I just stared at him. He claims he could see the thoughts tumbling through my brain:
This is creepy! Is this guy crazy or what's going on here?!! He knows I don't wear jewelry! What does he want?!! All I have agreed to is to have a few picnics and lend his daughter a couple of Harry Potter books that she hasn't read in English yet, why is he giving me jewelry?!! I should just pack up my things and run. Or run without them!
In the end my curiousity and common sense took over. If I didn't like the gift, I could always return it, block him from ever contacting me again, and buy new copies of the books, right?
❤️🔥❤️ The bag contained a bottle of Pure Cap.❤️🔥❤️
I was so relieved. And happy. Laughing and crying and yelling at him for scaring me, all at the same time. This wonderful man, who definitely couldn't eat as spicy food as me back then, had remembered that I mentioned in passing when we were at a pub that had hot sauce bottles for decoration, that my bottle was almost empty. Then gone back to the pub several times and begged them to sell him the only bottle they had so he could propose to me. And put it in an effing jewelry bag so I'd understand.
Ok, so me spending half my waking time with this guy, cooking, shopping, going on picnics, watching movies, talking about books - even letting him into my home meet my cat and feed him roast beef - hadn't clued me in yet. Maybe I'm dense. I still think opening that bag and finding not jewelry was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me. It didn't turn friendship into love, it made me realise what I had.
What are your keys to ensure your relationship remains strong and healthy?
Showing an interest: I'm not interested in watching sports, or playing RPGs, but I do notice and tell him when I come across news about the teams or games he like. He doesn't care if the food is served on a plate whose colour matches the dish, but he helps me find plates and bowls of all colours and sizes, and doesn't complain when I spend $20 on yet another a batch of second hand LEGO, even though for the past 15 years we haven't really had space for me to pour the bricks out in a huge wonderful pile and build something.
Space is important: Just as my hubby says "Are you busy, can you look at this in a bit?" I don't demand immediate attention when he is busy with his stuff. What's busy? Anything from trying to figure out next week's household budget to taking a bath or beating a boss in Path of Exile. If it's important to the person doing it, it's not to be interrupted. I guess another word for it is respect.
Another aspect of space is trust: I have male friends, my hubby has female friends, and friends are all they are. Sometimes we all meet up, sometimes not. For that matter, we both have friends who are gay or bi. If we didn't trust each other - and our friends - we'd have to behave like barnacles, and that would not be good for anyone.
Planning things together, and doing things together: Instead of me cleaning the bathroom and then saying "I did this, can you vacuum the livingroom now?" we plan for example that this week Saturday 1pm-3pm is when we both do as many "big" chores as possible. And the plan also includes something nice for us to do together after. Cook a spicy meal and eat it, watch a movie we both agree on, go visit a second hand store and laugh about all the weird things for sale, and try not to laugh when we notice that the person in front of us in the checkout queue is actually buying the 6 dozens of iPhone 4 shells at 10 cents each. Maybe she has some great arts and crafts idea that never occurred to us?
Small, everyday "gifts" or "favours": My hubby loves chocolate and craft beer, so when I go shopping I keep an eye out for those, buy them if I can, and surprise him with them when he's feeling down. I love books and spices so he does the same for me. We sometimes let the other person sleep 10 or 15 minutes past the alarm while making their favourite breakfast and pack their lunchbox, so they don't have to. Or take care to notice when the other person's favourite soap or shampoo is running out, and make a detour to get more. There are so many ways and opportunities to show you love someone!
Taking the time to listen: When the other person does have a problem, at work, with health, whatever. Someone who takes the time to listen is often a better help than someone who tries to come up with a bunch of solutions or keeps saying "I understand, I've been there too."
Plenty of what I've said is just as important to me in friendships as in love, but then, love for me often starts with friendship.
