Before we attain growth, we do alot of things that we do not somehow understand,some of this things we some how make sense of later in life , while some we would sit and ask ourselves "did we really do this thing?" See wanting approval is something that I feel alot of us have gone through in this life. At school, at work, at home, yes we have been in this level before.
So for me this thing happened more in a kinda work setting, there was a time I really wanted to be seen as a hardworking, responsible, and dependable person, so it was not just because I wanted to be praised, but because I felt like if I wasn’t seen that way, I would be ignored or even overlooked
So I started doing alot of things , some people will call it busy body, yeah , maybe that was it, I was saying yes to things I did not even have the strength for, I stayed quiet when something bothered me, I would even be smiling with the stress, just so I wouldn’t be labeled as a difficult person.
It got to a point, I wasn’t even being myself anymore, I just noticed that I would think twice before talking, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I was always wondering how it would sound to those I was with as at that time , I would now take on tasks that were not even my responsibility to do, just so I could look useful, but deep down, I was tired, but I kept pushing because I thought that was the price for approval.
Omo see ehn, the funny thing is, when you are in that space, you convince yourself that it is normal so to. You tell yourself, everyone is doing it or this is how growth works, but it slowly starts to affect you in ways you wouldn't even imagine, I won't lie, I was seriously exhausted, mentally and emotionally, I started feeling like no matter how much I did, it was never enough. There was always something else to prove.
Now did I get the approval that I was doing all that work for? Hmmm... Maybe I got a little, yes I got praises from people here and there, alot of persons started relying on me, but tha also came with it's own pressure, and that's what made it not feel as good as I thought it would, I didn't feel fulfilled, I was just stressed and was always tired.
The part that really hit me was realizing that even if I stopped doing all those extra things, life would still go on, People would adjust, the world wouldn’t end, and that was when I started pulling back slowly and choosing myself more, I started doing what I could genuinely handle, not what I thought would impress other people.
Now do I regret it? Hmm..... In a way, I will say yes, because then i had put myself under unnecessary kind of pressure, but also at the same time, I do not fully regret it because that thing taught me something really important, it taught me that those approval from people is just temporary, but the damage that you do to yourself when you abandon who you are can last longer.
So now, I try as much as possible to show up as myself and not as someone else , I still do my best, but not at the cost of my peace, So growth, for me, now looks like choosing honesty over any kind of performance and also self respect over validation, and that lesson alone was worth the experience.
Image is Mine
