I was afraid when I was young; still, I am. I was afraid to do anything but keep quiet. I hid in my mother's lap, behind a chair, and under a table. I would instead turn away to hide than make eye contact with someone. Everyone talked about me, and I often didn't let them pay too much attention to me. I was afraid and always was an afraid young boy.
It has not changed with age. My voice needed to be more hoarse, but it didn't change; it was quiet. I stammered in my words. I hid my unspoken words in books and notebooks. I wrote whatever I wanted and then dropped it for fear that someone might find it. I've recorded the moments in my head, the little things that can help me find my strength when I want to be tough.
Although I did not want to be silent, I was stopped by people who thought my voice had no purpose. Their voices were too loud that they could not even imagine my need to fill that space. Or maybe they just liked their voices. So I waited for a long time. I didn't know what I was waiting for, but I'm glad I did. Absorbed by scrolling through the pages, I silently watched, observed, and listened.
Sometimes, it was nice to stay quiet. I then found peace, rest, and stability. I became acquainted with 'quiet,' my oldest friend. At other times, the insults I received from outside were irresistible and often made me cry. My friends liked to call me horrible names, insult me and expose all my faults. Even some of my close friends were involved in that sarcasm and supported others to insult me. They danced to it as if it were a song and called me to join them. Temporarily, I could. I could dance and have fun with them until they insulted me out loud.
But I would always come back to that quiet state, whatever the day. It was my companion, the only companion, and my music was to stay quiet; I danced fluidly to its soft beat, alone in the security of my bedroom, I knew where no one could hurt me. Alone in my room, I danced and sang and had the most beautiful time because no one else deserved to be there with me. So I was alone for long fifteen years. So I have quietly waited, seen, heard, and created a Kingdom of my own for fifteen years alone.
To be continue.......
