Hi my dear friends!
Today I caught myself on the fact that my brain switched to a new perception of reality. It's probably completely normal. Our psyche must be plastic enough so that we can survive in constantly changing conditions. I look through my notes, which I began to take in the first days of the war, and see how my attitude to what is happening has changed.
From the moment the war began, my brain categorically refused to perceive what was happening as a reality. It always seemed to me that when I wake up in the morning, it will all be just a bad dream or a stupid reality show. But, of course, that didn't happen. However, I sank deeper and deeper into this state.
All the time during the occupation, when Russian tanks drove around our village and drunken Russian soldiers fired from machine guns, I was surprisingly calm. Protecting my psyche, the brain plunged me into a kind of state of suspended animation. A couple of times reality broke through this protection and then I broke into screams and tears. Once, when my dogs, who were scared of the explosions, started howling loudly, I just started howling along with them. I felt that if I did not give an outlet to grief and despair, it would crush me.
Then the Russians began to retreat under the blows of our army. They became more and more furious and in recent days they could kill if they saw a phone in a person’s hand ... They were terribly afraid that we would reveal their whereabouts to our military. I hardly left the house.
On the first of April everything was quiet. No explosions, no shots. Silence. It seemed to me that I coped well with everything that happened to us. But it was an illusion until the first telephone conversation. Because I suddenly found that I couldn't talk to other people. I started crying. PTSD found me, despite the fact that my brain stubbornly denied the trauma itself.
In recent days I have begun to feel that my condition has changed again. I can't evaluate this change yet, but I hope it will be positive.
I love you all. Take care of yourself