The last week of February promises to be warmer. Forecasters cautiously talk about the pluses, about the drop, about the fact that winter is gradually losing ground. I really want to believe them. I must admit that the constant cold has already made me quite tired. It's not just a frost outside - it's some kind of prolonged internal cold that has settled in the bones and doesn't want to go away. I have almost no strength left. Every morning starts with effort, not with desire.
Added to this was the fact that this week the remote format of my work has changed to full-time. Getting up at five in the morning, going out on a cold winter morning is not the most pleasant challenge. It's dark, slippery, the car is covered with frost, my hands are freezing even in gloves. Add to this a blackout and a hellishly difficult road. When the traffic light is not working, when the track turns into a skating rink, when the last kilometers stretch to infinity - the body lives in a constant alarm mode. As a result, I feel a huge tension. It's not loud, it's not hysterical - it's quiet and constant, like a background hum.
I even started to have cowardly thoughts about dismissal. Just drop everything and stay at home. Of course, my dogs would be happy - then I will spend whole days next to them. We would walk longer, I wouldn't look at the clock, I wouldn't count the kilometers to work. But it's unlikely to please me myself. I've already had to make such spontaneous decisions, and I must admit that in most cases I regretted my momentary weakness. The impulse eases the state for a second, and the consequences remain for a long time.
I'm very worried that I don't spend much time with my dogs now. I come home absolutely exhausted and go to bed almost immediately. Of course, they sleep next to me, hug their warm sides, quietly snort. There's a consolation in that. But I would like not just to sleep next to each other, but to live next to me - to play, walk, talk, feel that we have time, and not just fatigue. I really hope that my strength will come back with warmth.
