These past few weeks have been emotionally tough for me. Let me explain really quick before you dismiss me so quickly, that I am a very emotionally tough and/or what someone would call a cold person. I never cry, it's happened about once every 5 years or less, not even at funerals of loved ones, I can't explain why it is but I just have this disconnect about me and it's not necessarily a good or bad quality, I actually think its bad because I have thoughts that something is wrong with me. The reason things are emotionally tough for me right now is because of several people that I've known in my life that have had influence in some form or another on my life, that have recently passed away. Today was the icing on the cake, a girl I knew from my college days who was in a sorority at the University of Iowa, who I thought was so pretty and so sweet, I learned today on facebook she had just died suddenly. I went to college from 2003-2007, the same years as she was there. She was young and pretty and vibrant, and full of life, yet very sweet and genuinely a good person. It's rare to be that pretty of a girl and still remain that sweet.
Well, after today and learning about her death, it makes me more aware then ever that time is flying by and that life is short and we should, just as Chester from Linkin Park did, pursue our passions relentlessly.
I mention Chester specifically because his voice, his lyrics, his songs are still in my head. The way he sang his songs, the passion he had for music came through in EVERY performance. Most people would by then just go through the motions, but not Chester, he sang his heart out EVERY night for anyone to see. His lyrics ring even more true now to me as I knew through his music he had personal struggles. Something was so profound in his ability to articulate what he was thinking and feeling through his music that resonated with so many and which probably best explains why he was able to be a multi platinum artist selling some 70 million records. He was calling for help and it was hard to be there at all times since he struggled for so long. I really feel for his bandmates and those closest to him that may be still thinking what could they have done to save him, how did they miss the signs. The truth was he wanted to eventually be alone, kind of like me in a way. Now I'm not suicidal at all to be clear and thinking about Chester and how he could do this may be beyond most people's comprehension, but it shouldn't be.
As Chester explained in one of his last interviews, he wants people to know that just because one can attain fame and wealth and stardom does not make you immune from being HUMAN! Shit happens he said, and like you or I, he had to deal with shit happening to him, like breaking his leg and being in bad shape physically and emotionally from that, or when his friend Chris Cornell passed away in the same fashion (by hanging) that he would eventually end his life by.
Most will say that Chester was selfish and I choose to ignore all that, like in his song "Leave Out All The Rest" foreshadowed that "when my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some, reasons to be missed, and don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest." The one thing that has become more apparent to me each day that goes by after Chester took his life, that he had an incredible vision and his audience and fans saw it too and now it's even more profound and more clear looking back at all the signs and all the hints he left in his lyrics. Something I can't soon forget, if ever, though it pains me and there's nothing I or anyone can do now.
When I think of other people that meant things to me, like Robin Williams, how he was always in my living room on the television growing up and in movies I watched as a kid (Hook, Jack, Mrs. Doubtfire, etc.) and how funny he was, and how you'd never see it coming that he would take his life, well I think reflecting on all of these things - life is telling me that I need to live, but like, really LIVE! I need to pursue my passions relentlessly like these people did.
I am sort of spelling my thoughts out here but this is my life right now: I have always had a passion for poker, I went to college, got a degree in Economics and now I work at a big bank as a banker. I had that same exact job as I do now a few years ago but quit, I tried poker some more, then I decided to get my real estate license to help my mom out and tried to see if I would be good at it and realized I had no idea what I was doing, though I never really tried. I realized that was her passion and not mine so I threw in the towel and went back to what I know, being a banker. It pays $15.50/hr and really sucks. I am a pretty good poker player but that life is so tough, I honestly wish my dream was better than being a poker player but that's a descent passion I have and I think about how I am not living out my life like I want I guess. I am listening to other voices. I have a wife and I have in laws who are religious. My job is always an insecurity I have when I go back home with her, always has been, always will be, its because I've lied to them about my past. I never told them I played poker for a living, it would be too hard and too scary for me to have my in laws reject me. Instead I pretend to have a career path when in reality I've living a double life because I go back and try poker and when I lose it gets incredibly tough.
I don't know why I mentioned all this towards the end of the article but I think what it comes down to is remembering these people and the spectacular lives they lived and finding myself and being true to me sooner than later even though I find it incredibly tough because of my lies in my past and debating if poker is a wise passion to have. I guess you can say life is complicated. I will try to leave you with two videos I found profound. I encourage you to watch them more than once. Thanks.
