Misadventures in Online Dating

I can’t believe that I’ve become so jaded so fast about online dating. But this is what I’ve learned so far. It’s a cautionary tale with color commentary (added bullshit for humor purposes) by yours truly.

Don’t be offended. I made all of this shit up purely for your entertainment... Okay, I’m lying. These are all VERY real.

Below is a list of 17 red flags you may want to watch out for (disclaimer: do not take any of these items out of context because the person might actually be sincere in their profile description, but probably not).

1. Family oriented = My family, not yours. Nobody cares about your family, dude.

2. Likes to have fun = Likes to breathe air, eat food, drink liquids and laugh about stuff but only if she thinks it’s funny which turns out to be a rarity. A.K.A., I am the only person on Earth who really knows what’s fun and what’s stupid.

3. I love to camp, hike, fish, and snow ski. = She has tried each one of these things exactly once except for the fishing thing because worms are gross.

4. I love the outdoors but I also like to snuggle on the couch and watch a good movie. = “You think this is a good movie? Why do I care what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? There are too many bugs out here, it’s too hot/cold, I obsess over the things that I DON’T want in my life”, etc.

5. I love hanging out with friends = Again, my friends not yours. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?

6. I enjoy a good dark beer or a glass of wine = I will get wasted on our first date, flirt with our server (guy or girl) and completely embarrass you before you have the chance to do the same to me because this is a competition.

7. I have 2 dogs, I love animals. = My dogs are the only “people” who understand me and how dare you try to come between us. Oh, and your dog is a little bitch.

8. I like all kinds of music depending on my mood. = I have Zero tolerance for your music choices.

9. I am looking for a REAL man. = I have absolutely NO idea what that really means because I hate it when you’re not attentive to me and I hate it even more when you’re nice to me.

10. I like honest, trustworthy people / I don’t want to pay your rent. = She likes pointing out the obvious… and she’s been forced to do this because of dealing with some high level douche bags that you will always be compared to no matter what you do.

11. My kids come first. = Duh? More obvious statements. You don’t want to know why she feels the need to say this.

12. I like shiny things. = She’s mentally challenged (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

13. If you want to know more, just ask. = She has nothing to say and will be dammed if she’s going to actually put effort into this shit.

14. If your lookin for a one night stand dont bother. = She needs to say this because her main photo shows pretty much all of one and/or both of her boobies…and she hates using apostrophes and totally forgot what the hell contractions are for.