Who Knows What’s Underneath

In hindsight, I was crashing and broken, but I could convince myself otherwise, however, this time, I can hold on to my own happiness,
In hindsight, I was crashing and broken, it is just a part of the moment, I can still hold on to this pain to intentionally heal and later be okay for a bit, and that’s okay,
In hindsight, I was crashing and broken, the last thing I wanted is to create an illusion of comfort despite all of the promises that never came,
In hindsight, I was crashing and broken, it was my mistake after all pretending the safety is more than enough to build a lifetime of pure illusion,
In hindsight, I was crashing and broken, now I can see the fantasy of everything you have created, expecting that I wouldn’t feel, I wouldn’t see and wouldn’t realize at all…

I was always preparing myself for impact, I thought it was all normal feeling like this, unable to get into my calm mode unless I felt silence,
I was always preparing myself for impact, believing that giving me comfort through temporary meaningless conversations, and meals together,
I was always preparing myself for impact, I’ve trained myself to be a sucker for your fake approvals, careful thought compliments,
I was always preparing myself for impact, I’ve always thought that I’m a failure, I’m never enough, and I’m imperfect,
I was always preparing myself for impact, I thought I’m always making a mistake, always initiating conflict, I was always to blame for everything else…

I thought this was a temporary nuisance, but as time goes by this was already permanent, I already forgot the feeling of calmness even I wanted to feel it,
I thought this was a temporary nuisance, one day I was hearing a real laughter, I thought it was noise but it was just a long time memory of how I used to be,
I thought this was a temporary nuisance, I never noticed how I was already changing into you, feels like forever now, how I adapted to keep the steady peace,
I thought this was a temporary nuisance, the highs and lows was beyond addictive, where the relief only came from you, why couldn’t I feel a steady ground,
I thought this was a temporary nuisance, why couldn’t I feel myself again, the real me, the feeling of just living not racing into an imaginary track of relief…

I thought this was the best thing I ever had, the feeling of being sure, the feeling of being perfect, the feeling of more than enough,
I thought this was the best thing I ever had, then after a while time came so fast you haven’t notice that you have to accept only the bare minimum,
I thought this was the best thing I ever had, you had to argue and defend a bread filling, believing it’s too much, asking for warmth and comfort is too much, now even asking for time for peace is still too much,
I thought this was the best thing I ever had, again and again I needed to cope up to your definition of what fantasy is, I was hoping a shared lifetime but it was a delusion after all,
I thought this was the best thing ever, but I postponed my dreams too long and forgot how to truly live, losing what I thought I needed became the Universe’s way of leading me back to myself, but is simply life making room for the person I was always meant to become…

Watchwords:
Peace is living, and is self-suppression,
Beyond bare minimum is too much
Voicing out for hope but it’s just illusion after all
Postponing your dreams from the hope of security