I have been in the same room as someone speaking but haven’t heard them because I was already composing my impression and thoughts when they paused long enough for me to speak,
I’ve been in the same room as someone trying to talk to me, but my own thoughts kept interrupting their words,
I missed an important offering because I was busy deciding beforehand whether I agreed with it, so I never fully arrive before sending it back,
How many times have I left a conversation feeling certain I understood someone when I was mostly lost in my own thoughts, only catching glimpses of theirs,
I’ve been in the same room as someone speaking, but I only received the version of them that fit my preconceived notions or am I only realizing now what I’ve been missing…
I have a way of hearing that involves sorting, filing, comparing, and responding internally while outwardly appearing attentive and present during interactions,
I have a habit of reaching for my opinion before the information is fully being received, which has caused some of the most important things I’ve ever heard to be missed and interrupted,
I have a way of hearing that begins with my existing beliefs and filters for confirmation while flagging disagreement, rarely it allows for the inclusion of things that don’t fit any category I’ve built,
What I’ve been told in the past month is that I’ve sorted and filed something I’ve heard before, and I might interpret it differently if I revisit it with less certainty about its content,
I have defended a way of hearing that has little to do with being fully and non defensively in contact with another person’s experience of the same world…
I have felt the difference between listening and waiting to speak and it’s physical and real, affecting what I say next and how honestly I say it,
I have felt the unique quality of a room where someone genuinely listens and understands my feelings and I just notice these rare moments wants to stay in it as long as possible,
I have felt the impact on my words when I know the person across from me is simply present, without evaluating or preparing a response,
When was the last time someone listened to me completely and what did I say in the rare experience of being truly heard despite wanting to listen,
I have felt the difference between being heard and being processed, and I know how rarely I’ve managed to give it to them as I intend…
I have listened to music as I’ve listened to people, with enough self-awareness to acknowledge my presence but not enough to be affected by the music or the noise,
I have listened from behind a glass, interpreting it as listening when it was actually a controlled exposure to something I hadn’t decided to allow in to enter in me,
I have listened and felt a vibration trying to land in a carefully managed part of me, which I’ve redirected away before it could do the uncomfortable work that reaching would require,
What would happen inside me if I let the next piece of music, or the next person speaking, or the next unexpected afternoon, actually arrive all the way in instead of meeting it partway and walking out the door,
I have listened from behind the glass for so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be truly moved and now I wonder what I’ve been protecting; if the cost of preventing that particular aliveness has been worth it…
Watchwords:
Three sentences ahead before they stopped speaking,
The version of them that fit inside my space,
Reaching for the opinion before the information finished,
Processed quickly instead of fully received,
Listening from behind the glass I kept managing...
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream: