A decade ago or so I would have laughed if you said something about too much chocolate as there was no such thing. Not that I was eating chocolate every day, not at all, but if I had to pick a flavour of whatever food or beverage and there was a chocolate option, I'd go for that without hesitation. Chocolate milkshakes, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, chocolate cookies etc.
I never really liked milk chocolate though, I think that's just a fake chocolate flavour and it needed to be the dark chocolate OR sometimes white was nice too. Some exceptions are there though because with certain chocolate bars, it could not be dark, it had to be milk chocolate as otherwise the praline would not taste as good, lol.
So did my preference for chocolate. But I can still appreciate chocolate depending on what it is, I just rarely buy it, especially not the cake that we bought recently. I called it death by chocolate because it truly felt like I'd explode if I'd eat more than half of the slice. Although our daughter ate a whole slice (!!) we shared one and didn't even eat the third one the next day, this was too much, even for a chocolate lover, lol.
Every year, when my two oldest have their birthday, we make sure to get cake and bring back some memories. It's never out of sight so out of mind in this case, but these days are hard, every single year. I never publish anything on their exact birthdays though for the same reasons as I have mentioned before, I don't want their father to find out that it's me, but eventually, when they grow older, they will be able to see that they were in my mind every year that passed and that we too celebrated their birthdays even though we were not with them in person.
And now that my mother is not here anymore, I will not be receiving any pictures through her friend anymore, which is sad but I'm trying to hold on to the thought that she's getting bigger now and getting closer to the age where she will make her own decisions and chose her own path. The biggest part we have left behind now, so I'm trying to look forward instead. I cried my eyeballs out like I do every time it's their birthday or holidays and memories come up, it's part of the process and I just accept it's the way it is.
What's funny is that we ate a pasta with chicken and spinach which was my oldest favourite food when we were still together, she was just 4-5 years old when she requested this when I asked her what she wanted to eat. And now, my youngest, who is 7 now, has been calling this her favourite for a year or so, which is quite funny as with every bite the sisterhood is remembered. I hope one day they can eat it together and make their own memories.
So we had the chocolate cake and the pasta to celebrate her birthday and her little sister was more than happy to eat all the chocolate we could not handle, oof. I should have reserved some cake but instead I just walked in on the day self and had to pick from what they had available..
That we are separated and dealing with the flashbacks and nightmares in the past 6 months where their dad was the one terrorizing me, showed me that I'm surely not ready to face him even if I had the opportunity.
I wonder if I will ever be able to not see the monster that he is. Him terrorizing me in my sleep even after these years is one of the reasons that I need to pick up boxing again, I want to at least be able to punch him if I ever have to defend myself.
So even though I had a little setback with my arm, you may now understand a little better why I'm have to push through because I feel that I need to do so to be able to let go of the fear I still have for him.
If you ever read this my beautiful child: I hope you had a wonderful birthday love, you were in our minds all day when it was your birthday and let's hope that one day in the future we can celebrate these together again. Out of sight, but never, ever out of mind!
All pictures above are my own..
