Kindergarten was when I started my journey with God. I remember the cots I refused to take a nap on in the room of a private school and the squeaking sound of the blue mesh as countless children restlessly refused to close their eyes. Every day as I laid on the cot with my eyes peeled with no intent to rest, I studied a wooden cross hanging on the wall.
The cross was made of dark stained wood. On the cross was attached a small sculpture of a man with his arms spread from out from his shoulders. A young child seeing this as he lay down for a nap may have become confused. But not me. I knew the man on that cross was Jesus. I also knew why He was hanging on that cross.
At a young age I was not shy about church, as church services were part of my school’s schedule. Kindergarten through eighth grade I sat in the gymnasium and prayed before we were dismissed from school each day and went to church every Friday morning at the start of the school day. My whole childhood was wrapped around church and the Bible. There was no way of missing a church service, unless you were not at school.
The younger kids dreaded Friday mornings. Of course, all we were worried about were recess and playing on the jungle gym. The sermons always went over our heads so we developed an ability to keep our eyes on the pastor while our minds worried about what was for lunch.
As I grew older I noticed I paid a bit more attention each week. There was not a moment where the sermons just clicked like a lightbulb for me. But the older I became the more I could understand what the pastor was talking about.
Between the sermons I heard at Friday services and all the Bible verses I was told to read in class, my brain has probably been from cover to cover of the Bible more than once. The stories in the Bible seemed real to me. I pictured them in my head as if I were watching a movie.
In class I loved the story of Jonah and the whale. I think every kid enjoyed that story. Probably because that story was always accompanied by cartoon drawings and seeing how Jonah was inside a large fish for three days. But I never understood the actual lesson in Jonah’s story until later.
Refusing to answer to God, Jonah was on a ship when God sent a storm. The other people of the ship realized this storm was an act of God and eventually came to the conclusion that Jonah was to blame. The other people on the boat had no choice but to throw Jonah off the boat into the sea. My story is similar to that of Jonah, although I did not realize it at the time.
As my mind began to understand the stories I heard at school and at church, it was also paying attention to the people I saw in the services at church. They paid no attention to the teachings and sat in the pews as restless as the kids on the cots at nap time.
I also recognized their actions outside of church. I did not think these people were in the services to hear the Word of God or to worship Him. I started to question why these people were in church. Was it only to give themselves a good image? Then I started to ask myself, “What am I doing in church?” I had to be there. I had no choice. These people were adults. They had a choice. Church was beginning to feel more like a social club than a place of worship.
Do not judge, less ye be judged, 1 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Thinking that everyone around me was a fraud, I studied religion on my own. Google was not a powerhouse search engine like it is today. I could not search and read the perspectives on things from other people.
Curiosity has always been my strongest trait. I liked taking things apart to see how they worked. I had to know exactly how something functioned. I don’t know why, but I could never just listen to someone explain how something worked. I had to see how it worked for myself.
In this case, I dug into my faith to try to find answers. How could there be a spirit powerful enough to put this world into motion? How can a higher power exist? Are the stories in the Bible I enjoyed so much even real? This was the beginning of the end of my faith, because no matter where I looked, I could not find answers. The more I looked the less I found. “Just have faith,” I was told. Faith was a big word for someone as young as me. I didn’t understand. I wanted facts. I could not see God. I never felt God. In junior high school I transferred to public school and started skateboarding. I was introduced to new people and new things. I was introduced to punk rock music and loved it. Rebellion came into my life, and I was a rebel. I turned my back on church. Those people who went to church were there only to look good to society. I didn’t care, and no one’s opinions affected me.
As I entered high school, a new venue opened in our small town. Every Friday evening I had my mother drop me off on the side of the brick road across from this small concert venue. She didn’t like it. She thought the people loitering outside smoking cigarettes were sketchy at best.
“I’m grown and can handle myself,” I told her every time I opened the car door to get out. What she didn’t know was that these sketchy people would introduce me to something I had lost a while back. This venue was a Christian one. No cursing in the lyrics was allowed for the bands that did not have Christian beliefs, and most of the bands that played there were in fact Christian bands.
I had seen the establishment’s owner’s face every concert night, but I didn’t know him. I looked up to him. I saw him as the guy who opened this awesome place for rebels like me to spend their time. When the venue closed its doors I thought I would never see that guy again. I never saw a lot of the people I was so used to seeing every Friday again.
A good friend of mine who went to private school with me had traveled down the same path as I did. Somewhere down the line he took God back into his life. This friend invited me to hang out with him and his buddies one evening. The kicker was that they were hanging out at a church.
I can’t go to church, I thought. I didn’t believe in church, so why would I go? After much convincing I ended up in a car, in the church parking lot. As I opened the doors to enter the church a flood of memories came back to me. I wasn’t there to worship, but I remembered how. Looking around at the church I saw so many familiar things: crosses, paintings of Jesus, and the man I thought I would never see again–the owner of that concert venue.
We hung out, played basketball, and listened to music. The end of the night came and he invited me to youth service on Wednesday, but I didn’t go. Why would I go, I wasn’t a youth? We crossed paths more often after that night, and eventually I gave in and went to the service, where he was the pastor.
The first time I heard someone preach and not just read from the Bible was in a youth service when I was 20 years old. As a kindergartener I was told to worship, but I was never taught how to worship. At the time I did not know there was a difference. I was starting to learn now.
These people I was surrounding myself with now were so faithful. I slid in a few questions, casually looking for answers on how they became so. Their answers started to make sense. They would actually have discussions with me, rather then just telling me, “That’s just the way it is.”
Matthew 7:7 says, “ ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.’ ” A verse I had tucked away in my mind came back to me. Just as I had given up, God brought me to a place to learn.
Coincidence that I just happened to run into a man I looked up to as a teen in a church? That’s what I thought. If God would have wanted to me to re-open the door to Him He would have had my mom force me to go to church one Sunday, right? I realized God is smarter than that. He placed me into a situation where He knew I would embrace His Word. I trusted these people. I could see their love for God when they spoke so passionately about Him.
You may miss a Sunday at church or be mad when something doesn’t go your way. You may even end up lost like me for years. With an open mind, if you pay attention God is always showing you that it is possible to make a U-turn back to Him. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you” (Psalm 32:8).
